“It’s with a fresh set of eyes that I greet my final semester at UVA, and for the first time, sober ones,” college student Joe Leonard writes in a humorous new op-ed published in the Cavalier Daily. “That’s right kids, I am clean and sober, on the wagon, and going to AA.”
Leonard is a senior at the University of Virginia and a self-proclaimed “lonely homosexual virgin” who recently came to terms with the fact that he’s an alcoholic. But he says he’s determined to get his life back on track.
“No more stumbling outside of parties, throwing up and returning with the excuse that I was ‘praying,'” he writes. “No more waking up naked in my bed, finding my Lady Gaga T-shirt in the dishwasher with no memory of the night before.”
“Now my days are filled with waking up and going to class, doing simple chores like buying a lamp and going to AA meetings,” he says. “[A]nd no, I can’t tell you what we say in them, so stop asking.”
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Leonard writes that before joining AA his days off from school consisted of “sleeping until 5 p.m., watching gay TV shows with my mother, and drinking until 5 a.m.”
In 2013, Leonard tried seeing a psychologist about his drinking habit, but balked after he saw the guy’s business card, which read “Combining modern behavioral psychology with traditional Christian values.”
“While I am a perfectly happy Presbyterian, I am also a notorious homosexual, so needless to say I was apprehensive,” he writes. “My fears were quickly realized when he asked me ‘Now, did anyone introduce you into homosexuality?'”
Leonard left the therapy session and never went back.
A few months later, in April of last year, he decided it was time to make a change. Or at least try to make a change.
“On April 1, 2014 … I called my father and told him I was an alcoholic in a conversation that lasted 2 minutes and 36 seconds,” Leonard recalls. “It probably would have been quicker had I not spent an entire minute convincing him it was not in fact an April Fool’s joke.”
Leonard vowed to lay off the booze for a while. His sobriety lasted about a month, before he went back to drinking. The none night he consumed 10 vodka cranberries and somehow wound up in ambulance ride with a broken ankle.
“While it gave everyone a good laugh to see me wheeling down the streets of New York city on my knee scooter every day,” he writes, “I realized it was probably time to quit drinking permanently.”
“What is my life like now, you ask?” he continues. “Well, I wake up, actually go to class, meet some pretty amazing people at AA meetings, and have time to think about what the hell I’m going to do with my life once I graduate.”
“See kids,” he concludes, “sobriety isn’t all that bad.”
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Large Marge
So he didn’t like ‘christian values’ but embraced another ‘christian values’ organization?
AA is all about indoctrinating the sick into their cult.
Xzamilio
@Large Marge: Amen… and it’s not even effective, which is why it perplexes me as to how this nonsense is still pushed as valid.
lykeitiz
@Xzamilio: AA has helped countless people stay sober for many, many years. It is effective AND valid.
@Large Marge: It is NOT a cult, nor does it have cult-like policies. It is faith-based, but in a non-denominational way. People are free to come & go as they please. In fact, that’s its foundation.
If AA is not for you, or if you happen to know someone who it didn’t work for then fine, that’s your opinion/experience. But don’t lie about what it is to the vast majority of those it helps.
Having said that, I still don’t understand the point of this “article”. It’s 90% “I partied” and 10% “All better now” with no real details.
QJ201
So much for Anonymity
and I’m not dissing AA, but there is not medical or scientific evidence that it works.
In fact one study found NO difference in the effectiveness among 12 step, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or Motivational Enhancement Therapy. They all worked when “quality” care is provided.
My ex was in AA, there are some bath*t crazy AA meetings out there were all kinds of BS goes on, e.g., not all AA meeting are equal nor do all AA meetings following the guidelines of AA per se.
boring
Gross clickbait headline.
onthemark
I don’t get it. If he drank THAT much, why is he still a virgin?
Billy Budd
Weird.
onthemark
It’s true that the Xtian therapist asked him the wrong question, who “introduced” him to homosexuality?
Better question: who introduced him to alcohol illegally as a freshman, and bought it for him incessantly & illegally for the next 2+ years without at least f*cking him???
@Xzamilio: As for AA, that’s where relationships go to die! AA has some weird rule where they’re not even allowed to BE in a relationship until they’ve been sober for 2 years. Since they are always falling off the wagon, “relapsing” or whatever, hardly anyone actually makes it to 2 years. So now this poor kid may NEVER get laid!
Arcamenel
@onthemark: because despite what cheaters and promiscuous people would have you believe, it’s perfectly possible to get completely wasted and not offer up your orifices to anyone who ask.
onthemark
@Arcamenel: Yeah right. He reports “waking up naked in my bed, finding my Lady Gaga T-shirt in the dishwasher with no memory of the night before.”
Sounds like maybe he DID get laid and simply has no memory of it.
But my point was that his illegal supplier had him “over a barrel” (LOL, look up the maritime origin of that phrase) and should have made him put out.
vive
How does he know he is a virgin if he frequently had “no memory of the night before”?
Cam
I’m not sure I really get why this article was even posted.
Some guy is gay and drank, now he goes to AA and does normal errands.
Um…….ok.
SwanQueen
Never in a million years when I wrote this article did I ever think I’d read about it on Queerty haha
Mykaels
I gave up drinking once. Worst 8 hours of my life
ingyaom
@SwanQueen: Slow gay news day, I guess.
polarisfashion
@Mykaels: Ha Ha!!!
scruffstah
@SwanQueen: Hey dude, find a better therapist. A lot of them in VA are terrible for gay people, but not all. You have to find someone who’s a good match. I grew up there. The first therapist I saw at 19 completely disregarded confidentiality agreements and discussed everything I said with a former family doctor, who then wanted me to take an “AIDS test”—and no it didn’t matter that I hadn’t dated anyone at that point—still prolly had HIV.
AA can help some people, but it has its share of issues. You drank too much in college; most people do. Work on yourself, get your stuff together, and you’ll find you are someone that quality guys want to date. If you managed to make it through a UVA program without even being sober, you’re probably gonna turn out just fine.
jimstoic
It took me eight years to get it, but 12 years after my AA recovery “stuck,” I’m married (to a man I’ve been with for nine years), own a home, have a great job, etc. AA isn’t for everyone; it’s for people who want it. And it can be almost anything you want. Most of the people I relate to in AA are atheist or agnostic. If you don’t like what you hear, go to a different meeting.
missLauraJ
I think it’s pretty brave and wise to be a college senior and realize that you fall into the category of drinkers who can’t handle just a few drinks or even a night of college drinking…It takes some people their whole adult lives to realize this and get their lives on track. Alcoholism does not always come in the form of the drunk old man train wreck sitting every night at his same spot at the bar in some tiny town… I think that’s the point of this article. Also, I don’t really think criticizing a program like AA, that clearly works for tons of people, is very helpful here… despite what you may think about their rules and practices. I think we should support whatever works to make you feel like the best version of oneself provided it’s not some kind of outrageous hate group…
lykeitiz
@onthemark: AA encourages you not to start a NEW relationship until you’ve been sober for 2 years. They don’t encourage you to leave any current relationship……only certain environments. The hope is that you’ll enter into any NEW relationship with a clear mind. And saying that “hardly anyone makes it to 2 years” is spoken by someone who’s never actually been to AA meetings. They are full of success stories.
Seriously…enough of the ignorant AA-bashing comments from people who know nothing about AA. There might actually be people reading this thread who need help.
DarkZephyr
@SwanQueen: I just want to say congratulations to you on getting yourself together. Don’t feel bad that half the gay men commenting are snarking and sniping rather than congratulating and supporting you, their gay brother. Honestly this is JUST how it is with Queerty readers about pretty much ANYTHING. Sounds like you may be a veteran Queerty reader though so you probably already know that. 🙂
throwslikeagirl
No need to judge others. AA saved my husband’s life and our relationship. That was 12 years ago. I do wish he’d combine going to meetings with psychotherapy, but then that’s my bias and not his. He goes to meetings almost daily. He’s extremely healthy, grounded and serene. A friend of mine hasn’t been going to meetings regularly for years, but has been sober for 30. He goes to a meeting maybe once or twice a year now and for him, that’s enough. I know several folks who went cold-turkey and are doing fine. I know others who slipped and had to get sober many times, regardless of the program they chose. The point is, they keep trying.
I went to several different Alanon meetings, but they didn’t work for me. What did work were conversations with a good friend who’s been in recovery for 40 years, and the aforementioned psychotherapy. Even for the ” normy ” in the relationship, the path to serenity is chosen according to one’s personality and trial and error experiences of what works best for them as an individual.
Whatever works, okay? I see no reason to be negative about any program that saves lives and keeps folks sober. As far as empirical evidence, well stats are stats. I’d rather have my husband by my side daily ( and nightly ), than a scientific study.
drivendervish
Why is this a story? Alcoholics who experience a particularly scary binge pop into AA millions of times every day and this guy hasn’t even made it a year! If AA helps him stay sober than he should keep doing it but yes it is basically a cult. They advise you to only have AA friends and go to meetings each day forever. You live in constant fear that if you miss a meeting you will drink which mostly becomes an excuse for why you did. There is definitely a strong focus on God and Christianity and anybody who says differently is lying. Yes they will tell you that your higher power can be a doorknob but as soon as you relapse they will tell you that choosing a doorknob was your mistake. Meetings are mostly a place for sober gay guys to find other sober gay guys to have sex. I consider myself an expert on this subject after a million meetings. Never really became stable until I stopped going and stayed sober on my own.
VirginiaBiker
Wow, I must live in a different universe. I’ve been going to gay AA meetings for almost 30 years. I know of no other program that works so well. Most gay meetings where I live have dropped the Lord’s Prayer. AA is not a cult by my definition of ‘cult’ — you can pursue other activities freely and fully, you don’t live in isolation from other people, you can go to as many or as few meetings as you wish, and you can leave any time. Nor is finding sex necessarily on anyone’s mind.The Program many commenters describe is a sick program. Maybe it exists somewhere. But not anywhere I’ve lived for almost 30 years.
TomMc
@throwslikeagirl: “I know several folks who went cold-turkey and are doing fine.”
First off, congrats on your marriage.
Second – and, oddly enough, unlike “hard drugs” – ‘cold turkey’ alcohol withdrawal can kill.
True, some in the process of detoxing from harder drugs have wanted to die, but alcohol overuse withdrawal is one of the few things that should be supervised by a medically trained person – and no, not necessarily a doctor.
(Barring that, one should cut down gradually, if one has been drinking more than 5 or 6 standard drinks a day for some time.)
I’m happy to read that none of the people in your life who have given up drinking that way have suffered lethal consequences; also to have, in general, read your non-negative post about this controversial subject.
Curtispsf
I find it interesting that those who dis AA or other 12 step programs very often are the people who’ve had no personal experience with addiction and sobriety. When I had a problem with substance abuse I went to both NA and AA interchangeably. What I found there was a brotherhood of people going through many of the same issues that inevitably lead one to a place of isolation. These meetings are not filled with perfect human beings; the rooms of NA & AA were a microcosm of society filled with imperfect people…some with strict ideas of what “YOU” need to do to get clean and sober and others more forgiving.
There are “rules” which are suggestion to follow because most addicts do not have structure to their lives, but there were NO rules that “one couldn’t be in a relationship for X years”, just suggestions not to start a relationship when what was needed was getting one’s own act together. etc. For the most part, what I found was a lack of judgement and above all, support and empathy for those who wanted some help.
I never did go through all the 12 steps with a sponsor and no doubt there are some hardliners who shudder at that thought saying tsk, tsk. I listened, talked and took what I needed and left the rest at the door. And eventually, I left AA & NA and was able to get myself clean without daily meetings but not after many many relapses…and after those relapses, I was welcomed back with open arms.
In the end, I needed something MORE than being in a room of addicts, but I am very grateful for those rooms being there when I had nothing else. Cult? Yeah, that’s what I thought before I went into a meeting, but then again so is church or temple. To an outsider (and maybe an insider) there may be some cult-like aspects to 12 step, but I would say to anyone needing help with substance issues, don’t let that stop you from going to a meeting if you want help. Take what you need, leave the rest at the door. I’m sure there are many many divergent opinions about recovery programs. I have shared mine with the hope it may help someone who needs to take a first step. Peace.
petensfo
It doesn’t bode well for this queen… if he’s really going to meetings then he would know that the tradition (there are no rules, btw) is to always remain anonymous at the level of press, media (yep, that includes Social Media) and film… lest anyone think it’s all about you. 😉
I’ve got plenty of friends that have been ‘in the rooms.’ Relationships are discouraged for the newly sober (1st yr) and it’s definitely not a Xtian org, although I could see how that would vary depending on your location.
It’s important to remember that AA is for people who want it, not for those who need it; if only it were that easy. If you didn’t have a positive experience with AA, so be it, but your issues will more likely be resolved by first looking in the mirror.
Hillers
@Mykaels: +7 points for Patsy.
tdx3fan
@lykeitiz: The largest problem with AA is that it is based on an outdated model of addictions called the disease model. This model believes that alcohol is a disease and the solution is to give your life to a higher power. How those two concepts together ever made sense to anyone is beyond me.
The problem with AA is that it encourages you to throw out the concept of personal responsibility in order to believe that everything is out of your control. It is that logic that allows you to believe that once you have one drink you can never stop again and you cannot really change unless you hit rock bottom.
I would have to say that the AA model is actually harmful and even dangerous for most people who think logically with their brain.
tdx3fan
@onthemark: Not to defend AA, but you do realize the reason that that rule exists is because if you do not even have your own shit together you probably should not be trying to form a serious relationship.
tdx3fan
@onthemark: @jimstoic: This is great news….
Can I ask you one question?
Did you REALLY want to stop drinking at all costs?
Then how do you know it was really AA that caused you to stop drinking and not just your overwhelming desire to stop drinking…
There in lies the problem with most if not all studies designed to test AA and similar methods. The truth is, at the end of the day, people that want to stop drinking or using drugs will and then since it is not in human nature to really accept blame or credit we instead blame or credit the program instead of our own human actions.
tdx3fan
@missLauraJ: We are not criticizing the fact that it works for people. We are criticizing that if you look at the actual numbers it does not work for the vast majority of the people that think it should. That would be alright if it wasn’t treated as some form of gospel in the addictions world. The truth is that drug and alcohol therapy works for many more than AA ever will, but the average person has no clue that that is actually the case.
This gets even more complicated when you realize the only real rule of AA that makes any difference is “give it over to a higher power” and that makes zero sense to an atheist or anyone thinking with their brain.
SingleTraveler
Way to go Leonard! Now the next thing you need to do is to learn about and follow the 11th Tradition of Alcoholics Anonymous.
bbg372
http://www.salon.com/2014/03/23/the_pseudo_science_of_alcoholics_anonymous_theres_a_better_way_to_treat_addiction/
pjm1
It is interesting that so many people of such strong opinions about
AA, NA, CMA (help groups).
I have been around the block at least a few times and then some.
The most important thing about the help groups is that they are there when someone
is ready to get help and there are (some and only some) attendees who can actually
help. Most alcoholics and addicts cannot get sober on there own especially to start —
AA, NA and CMA are there, everyday . . . and there is no place else that is gonna be
there everyday. The help groups may only be a starting place but at least there is a place
to go. So, for those without health insurance, cannot afford a therapist, do not know what
to do — and there are plenty — the help groups are a place to start.
lykeitiz
@tdx3fan: I’ll be sure to let the hundreds of thousands of people helped by AA know that they’re not “thinking with their brain”.
As others have mentioned, many atheists & agnostics have been helped by following AA’s programs. The “higher power as you understand it” does not tie anyone down to the God of Christianity.
Your criticism of not changing until you hit “rock bottom” is ridiculous also, since they teach that everyone’s “rock bottom” is a very different thing.
Your pseudo-takedown is most ridiculous when you call it “harmful” or “dangerous”. Those terms are for people guiding others away from finding what works for them.
lykeitiz
@pjm1: What you are saying is so VERY true. Sadly, you’re one of the few people in this conversation who gets the bigger picture.
Any organization the size of AA is going to have a few bad seeds, and it’s tragic that some go there for help and don’t get what they need, but these morons calling it a cult and saying it doesn’t work are doing a major disservice to anyone reading this with nowhere to turn.
pjm1
@lykeitiz: Thanks. AA and the other help groups
are one tool in the kit. Many people go to AA, NA CMA because they do not know what
to do, where to go or who to turn to.
Many people in the help groups will very soon encourage others
to get medical help counesling psych help. In San Francisco, AA, NA CMA members
may encourage you to go to the Stonewall Foundation where you can get counseling
other professional, medical and other help. The help groups are a tool for most.
jason smeds
This article seems very fake to me. A lot of these college papers simply make up articles. My BS meter sounded after reading the first few lines of this article.
blackberry finn
AA doesn’t work for everyone. What does? It at least offers a sense of community and a message of hope. Like religion, AA can be an anchor for someone passing through a difficult time in their life. Having said that, reading this article was like reading some random email by mistake…what was the point?
wpewen
Please heed this warning guys. AA is not a cult, you can make it work for you, have to be selective which group you go to.
I’m 56, out since 1976. Lived for a while in SF, San Diego gay communities where we ALL drank, drank, drank. It was/is a big part of the gay scene. I’m now lifetime sober, thanks. If you stay around the gay scene BIG chance you will develop an alcohol problem. It can be great for many years, but when you get older it won’t be and you’ll be a cliche: (active) alcoholic older man. You won’t like it. It might make you behave like a jerk (if it doesn’t already). What seems like just fun now may become a nightmare, it does to MANY gay men. You are not the first.
Saint Law
@jason smeds: Your BS meter. Is that irony?
gyntlgynt
Well,I’m a friend of Dorothy and a friend of Bill W. And my life would be a mess right now if it wasn’t for the sober gay men, AA meetings I’ve been to at the Little Pink Building in Cajun Country( Louisiana)
AA Works !!!
ait10101
@onthemark: There are no rules in AA. I’ve certainly never heard of this one even as advice, but different groups differ, since there are no rules, just traditions.
Jonty Coppersmith
@Large Marge:
AA is not specifically a Christian organization. They teach each person to rely on his or her “higher power” which can be the Christian god, but can also be any other god. It doesn’t have to be a god at all. My experience in Al-Anon was that there was one person in the group who really pushed the Jesus stuff, but most didn’t. That individual did turn me off, but I ignored her.
vive
People are welcome to AA if that works for them.
But one has to doubt how much good can come from essentially teaching people that they have no agency, and replacing their addiction by just another dependence, namely on AA’s own set of obsessive-compulsive rules.
xyzkey
How interesting and enlightening to learn that one can spend the first three and one half years of one’s college career at UVA being absolutely bombed out of one’s mind on alcohol with no apparent detriment to one’s academic standing. So much for UVA’s reputation as a scholarly institution!
onthemark
@xyzkey: Even better: now, suddenly, he has “time to think about what the hell I’m going to do with my life once I graduate.” Four months from now!!! Gosh, that’s a lot of thinking to do in four months. To jump-start the thinking process, I would recommend LSD at least once… except for the damn AA thing.
Any ideas on what he could do? (Since he doesn’t have any?) Starbucks might not even want him!
NiceNCool1
@Large Marge: If I ever had an alcohol problem AA would be the last place I would go. What they want you to do is trade your addiction to alcohol with an addiction to religion…typically Jesus. No thanks.
xyzkey
AA does work for some people. And I believe I have heard that one of its tenets is, “Take what you need and leave the rest.” What could be wrong with that? Sounds quite sensible to me.
Clark35
@petensfo: Exactly. If you’re in AA you’re not supposed to blog about it, or do the other things mentioned.
I’m not in AA but I know people who are and they have told me how AA is not a cult, affiliated with religion, or affiliated with a church or any organized religion.
Clark35
@xyzkey: UVA is a joke of a university. It’s where that woman who made up being “raped’ attended.
Clark35
@onthemark: LSD and other drugs like it are not going to help someone who is a drug addict.
xyzkey
We will never know if “that woman” was raped/gang raped or not. But, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least to learn that UVA is just another testosterone laden madhouse of a university where incidents of sexual and/or other abuse are chronic problems. As for me, I would not piss on the Greek life in colleges/universities if it were on fire. The only freaks more well organized in treachery than the Greeks were the Nazis, and don’t you f**king forget it!
Cam
@xyzkey:
You pretty much lose your argument when you compare something to the Nazi’s or Hitler. It makes you sound hysterical and hyperventilating.
xyzkey
Oh, brother…get over yourself.