Guys can enjoy a physical embrace without it getting sexual. Just ask the commenters who responded to a lonely Reddit user who just wants human contact.
“I am a straight guy and I get so, so depressed and lonesome a lot of the time,” the Redditor wrote in a recent post. “I really love to cuddle, but I don’t have a girlfriend and you can’t really ask a girl [because] it seems sexual. Out of curiosity, would any of you guys ever cuddle with a straight friend?”
Related: Why straight guys are seeking groups where they cuddle other men
A sampling of comments reveals that platonic gay-straight cuddles are perfectly common:
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I did once. My best friend, who is straight, and I went overnight hiking in the Smokey Mountains. It got a lot colder than we expected or prepared for. In the middle of the night, we were freezing, painfully cold, and our teeth literally chattered. So he suggested we cuddle up together and we did. We cuddled as close and tight as we could until morning. … We love each other like brothers or more, and I never felt so close to anyone, even with no sex.
My best friend is straight as well. And we’ve had that kind of moment as well. Not because it was cold just because he really wanted me to understand there was no judgment. And nothing but love and trust.
Human physical contact is not inherently sexual. Two people can hold one another for any number of reasons, ranging from basic physical needs (warmth) to emotional (grief) and countless others.
It’s sad that our society sees any physical contact between men as needing to be violent or sexual. We’re social creatures, and I think most men vastly underestimate how important platonic physical contact is to our mental and emotional health.
Related: Study: 93 percent of straight college dudes enjoy “cuddling, spooning” with their bros
Another commenter, meanwhile, gave succinct advice to the straight guy looking for gay cuddles: “Be clear about what you want. Be clear about what you don’t want. And you can probably get what works for both of you.”
Donston
Is Dan becoming the new Graham? The majority of his articles are becoming about “bi pride”, bi identifying guys in hetero relationship or with hetero ambitions, closeted dudes, and re-posting random Reddit posts about “straight” dudes. Are Dan and Graham even different people?
Emotions, sexuality and orientation can all be complicated stuff. You can try to set boundaries all you want. Yet, I would guess that most guys who have a lot of homo passions, affections, romantic connection, emotional longing, the desire to please and comfort their sex cannot also have a “straight” best friend who they cuddle with sometimes or hook up with sometimes without feelings getting involved. The majority of those guys are likely secretly in love with their “straight” friend.
Heywood Jablowme
For once I believe Reddit. Although I can’t guess the motives of Dan and Graham (or Dan/Graham/Sybil & co.), I had a similar real-life camping experience. At a place you may be familiar with (you’re in LA?), Anza-Borrego State Park: desert but it was winter and well below freezing. I was 19, my friend (who I idolized) was 22. It was also a good place to try psilocybin mushrooms for the first time. It was all pretty cool!
I’m guessing the cuddly camping experience may seem a little silly, or contrived, if you’re older than late 20s or so, but if you’re 19 to 22 it’s a lot of fun.
Donston
I didn’t say that this particular post was a fake. I suspect around half of these Reddit posts have some truth to them. Nor do I believe that a “straight” guy can’t give another male affections. I see it all the time. I’m pointing out how unrelenting these “straight guy” articles are. I’m pointing out how these writers are pretty much obsessed with “straight” guys, non gay identifying guys, and dudes who do not have unabashed passions, feelings, romantic interests in their sex. It’s not coming off insightful or entertaining. It’s more like they’re using identity politics to fetishize people and to indulge hetero/non-homo worship. I’m pointing out this site’s recent history of publishing random anonymous things from social media and presenting them as truths. I’m also pointing out how it’s really hard for a dude who is really into dudes to have a very affectionate and at least semi physical relationship with a “straight” friend without deeper feelings developing. In a camp setting with a bunch of strangers getting high is very different than asking your close “gay” friend to give you persistent physical affections. Most of the time feelings are going to develop. And a great percentage of these dudes already have low-key crushes on their “straight” best friends. Indulging those types of behaviors just complicates things, and it often leads to the “gay” guys not seeking affections and relationships from dudes who are legit and unabashedly into them.
Heywood Jablowme
“and it often leads to the “gay” guys not seeking affections and relationships from dudes who are legit and unabashedly into them”
Okay, I can identify with that. The psilocybin friend was a tough act to follow, and I think maybe I “over-learned” how to separate affection from sex. Both were great – separately! – but I didn’t expect them to go together, and I definitely didn’t know how to go about “seeking” (as you put it) affection, or initiating it in for example a situation where I was the slightly older one.
Donston
These are the grey areas that this site (or really, most “queer” sites) don’t venture into.
Affections are of course more than just cuddling. It’s wanting attention and comfort from someone and wanting to give someone attention and comfort. Even if you believe in fluidity, believe that most people are not entirely hetero in every way throughout their whole lives, and you understand the spectrum, the majority of dudes still have overall hetero preferences and fulfillment. And that’s something we need to understand. Yes, some “straight” guys are willing to receive affections, attention, comfort from dudes. But most aren’t that interested in giving persistent attention and comfort to guys, or at least that doesn’t do a ton for their ego. It’s very dangerous for “gay” men to get caught up in those type of relationship dynamics. This even applies to sexuality. There are probably a decent amount of guys who are more naturally into women from a sexual standpoint, but they still have overall male preferences and fulfillment. Receiving persistent passions from guys and giving persistent passions to a guy does more for their ego. It goes the other way as well. A dude may enjoy giving passions and sexual pleasures to a guy or getting those things from a guy. But it doesn’t do nearly as much for his ego to persistent give those things to a female and get those things from a female. Ego is a huge part of orientation. And ego is partially why some guys get caught up in being obsessed with “straight” dudes. Giving persistent affections, sexual pleasure and passions to “gay” men does not do a ton for their egos.
Understanding how convoluted the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum can be is so important. And understanding the psychological and sociological aspects of orientations is so important. I don’t care what people do and how they live their lives. I just look to give greater insight and nuance than the majority of articles here. I also call out this site’s constant pushing of identity politics, its constant hypocrisies and how it tends to sell people bad habits. Those habits often come back to bite people as they get older. Advising “gays” to cuddle up with and give persistent affections to their “straight” friends is problematic.
sfhairy
Well said Donston.
skeldare
Can’t stand these Reddit ‘articles’ since half of them are likely fiction and the other half are just stupid.
Jim
Cuddling is always good
Tempus
I definitely think platonic cuddling is possible as sometimes you just want a physical connection without any sexual reason. It shows that you care and should be possible between friends. I will say though that a straight guy should expect that even if you have no sexual intent that close physical contact can still lead to a boner so…yeah he shouldn’t be surprised if a gay friend pops one. This could potentially cause some gay guys to be a little leery about cuddling with a straight friend as they might be concerned about freaking them out but as long as they understand it’s a natural physical reaction then everything should be fine.
succubus
straight?
yaletownman
I could always cuddle with straight friends even if I did wanna bone them. I even had bromances before they were even a thing. My straight friends trusted me because I’d never put the moves on them because I respected the sexuality they said they identified with and I never wanted them to think I was a creep. I think there are a lot of straight guys who long for a brotherly closeness that other cultures make room for.
Josh447
Well said Yale.