Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Maybe, maybe not! Reddit users were divided on the topic of long-distance relationships in a recent r/AskGayMen thread, with some saying they found lasting love with suitors miles or even oceans away, and others saying their long-distance relationships crashed and burned.
For what it’s worth, a study published in the Journal of Communication in 2013 found that duos in long-distance relationships had more meaningful relationships than those who saw each other daily—with the long-distance couples having more frequent communications and more “relationally intense” conversations, as study co-author Crystal Jiang of the City University of Hong Kong told USA Today. “The intimacy developed here is a psychological closeness—it doesn’t include physical or sexual intimacy,” Jiang added. (Then again, these were heterosexual couples, so our mileage may vary.)
Anyway, here’s what Redditors had said about gay guys in long-distance relationship—with responses organized into “yea” and “nay” columns and condensed and edited for readability.
They don’t work—or, they don’t work for me.
“Can’t imagine I’d be into a long-distance relationship. If I choose you as a partner, I want you with me as part of my life. Not having them there for physical comfort and sexual pleasure would probably be frustrating for me, too. And I’m an insecure person, so I’m into monogamy, so open relationship isn’t an option for me. Long-distance friendship? Sure. Long-distance short-term? Maybe. But long-term? Probably not. (Edit: But I’d never say never, depends on the person and the circumstances.)”
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“My top love language is physical touch, so that’s a priority for me in my romantic and therefore sexual relationships, which is something I literally cannot get from a long-distance relationship. The guy could be perfect for me, but I’d need the touch in even the smallest way for me to honestly even consider a relationship with them. But that’s just me.”
Related: The world is in a long-distance relationship right now
“Long-distance relationships are f*cking miserable. I’ve done a few and, honestly, never again. It’s pointless.”
“People need more than a digital connection. I did long-distance for nine months, and it sucked. We broke up because we couldn’t do it anymore.”
“I could not do it. I want intimacy, companionship, and to live with someone. I find it difficult to cultivate those things while long-distance. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but being close, it helps.”
“Been there, done that (a few times), not interested in reliving it again. Not saying this happens for everyone, but I’ve found that it can increase the pressure every time you’re together in person and turn it into a production, which does not reflect what your everyday life together would actually look like. I’d rather have something low-pressure, casual, local, and fun.”
They totally work—and I’m living proof.
“My long-distance online relationship turned into a ‘real-life’ relationship, which turned into a marriage of 14 years and counting. … We met on LiveJournal and formed a friendship that turned romantic after about five months or so. I confessed my feelings for him online, and it turned into an online relationship. We met in person that summer and spent it going on dates and having sex, and it ended with him moving to Maine from California to be close enough to drive to see me every other month. More dating, sex, and talking happens for about three years until I move to western Canada to find work. We get married about a year later, and he moves to Canada, gets a job, and we live together for those 14 years. We move to Ontario, and it’s been fantastic, and I write this while he snores on his side of the bed.”
“I’ve been with my husband 17 years, and we’ve probably only lived together for about seven of those years. The rest of the time, we’re usually in different countries due to our work. But it does mean the time we do spend together is incredibly special.”
Related: It was love at first sight. Then she moved 8,000 miles away…
“I live in a small town, where the dating community for gay men is slim pickings. There are, like, five of us around my age, with one of my major exes being one of them, and the rest being mutual friends. I ended up expanding my range and have been dating my current boyfriend, who lives an hour and a half away from me for about six months now. We see each other every single weekend and text or call each other daily. It’s actually been sort of nice, having set ‘relationship’ time and set ‘me’ time during the week to focus on my own interests/hobbies, and I think he feels the same. But it will be nice one day to get to wake up next to him every day.”
“I’d never be in a long-distance monogamous relationship. I’ve been in long-distance open relationships.”
“Me and my boyfriend have been at it for three years. We met online and didn’t really want a long-distance relationship, but the chemistry was there, and after seeing each other in person, we decided to give it a shot. If all goes well, we marry next year and move in together. This sort of relationship does work, but it has to be the right person, someone you are willing to wait for… and they can be very hard to find.”
“Met my boyfriend on Grindr, like, the first week he downloaded the app. Basically, it was finals week, and he was about to graduate from university, and I was about to go home for the summer after my finals. Chatted for a month and then went on our first date, which was really good, and then he went backpacking in Europe for two months, like, two days later, LOL. I went back to school, and we didn’t really think anything would really work out, but we kept talking and had a few visits, and things became official after maybe six months once I confessed my love. Lots happened after that, including him teaching in Asia for a year and me going across the country for grad school, but we continued long-distance for a total of five years. … Just celebrated our seven-year anniversary and planning to move into our own place together for the first time in a new city this year! Long-distance is incredibly tough but truly rewarding. … Communication and trust are obviously the two main important factors to making it work, as well as being independent, since you aren’t together most of the time.”
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Gadfeal
I’ve been decades in a relationship, including 3 years of separation in total over time. Tending to any long-term relationship requires deliberate thought and effort to plan and implement a general “mission” in life together,be it familial, societal, business, professional etc. Any lust-based desire will recede over a few years, no matter how physically attractive one is to the other; it’s a question of neurochemistry, and the intrusion of everyday life into the “suspension of reality” psychosis of “being in love”/”being in lust”.
When we were on different continents, the heart did “grow fonder” emotionally, with trips every three or four months like another “honeymoon”. Then, when we lived together, the relationship grew into a comfortable familial tone. Sex became part of the picture, but we gave each other the freedom to have the occasional sexual when separated, but never at home. We even tried a trio but it wasn’t to be tried again. We had separate interests and groups of friends, which sometimes overlapped.
Then, COVID happened and being with someone 24/7 for over a year really challenges human nature; I can’t even spend 5 days with my biological family before I’m crazy. We moved into separate rooms. There is still a sense of being the person who best knows the other, and we have each other’s back.
All this could ONLY be possible due to a confluence of “ideal” or “enabling” circumstances:
* We were both educated with a similar world view.
* We were both catholic (i.e. non-clique) and inclusive in our social life.
* We were both solvent and not living together with a major financial incentive.
* We both would not allow biological family to intrude on our relationship.
* We both regarded sex as a normal, everyday human activity, like breathing and eating, not linked to emotional bonding. The occasional dalliance was like eating chocolate, caviar and drinking Krug champagne; they are good as treats, but to overconsume them is unhealthy.
We also live together by choice, able to live independently. There was, eventually, little emotional “neediness”. Self-defeating behavior from our past has been attenuated by professional talk therapy, and by open communication. I just am comfortable with the other like I am with no other.
I’ve also lived enough to realize that the grass only appears greener elsewhere. So, the Ted McInley handsome neighbor with whom everyone has a crush, turns out to have had a violent, alcoholic father and a deeply troubled addict of a brother, yet seems Mr. Wonderful. However, I see flashes of craziness since he snaps when he is touched (e.g. helping him put on a harness, which elicits, “I can do it myself.” and a physical recoil). His wife, an angel, also said that he used to have anger issues.
There is no one answer, but one should aim for cohabitation in the initial years, and only live separately by mutual discussion.
SDR94103
it depends on the cost of travel from one place to the other.
rangerwilcox
yes, plus the frequency needed to maintain the relationship!
MISTERJETT
nope!!! for me, not even if you’re on different sides of the same city.
Doug
Tried it twice, it just became too limiting to communicate only by phone or email after awhile. The lack of being able to get together and spontaneously do something like dinner or a movie became a deal-breaker. The annoying thing is that on dating apps I get 4-5 times the amount of interest from guys living a thousand or more miles away from me than I do from guys that are local.
GayEGO
My husband of 57 years, married 15 years, only spent two months apart when I moved to Seattle from Boston as I was from the Pacific Northwest. I coaxed him to come to Seattle, we lived there for a year, then we moved back to Boston. This was back in 1966-67. After that, we lived in Boston suburbs and retired in Holden.
jonchavez2003
If you want a relationship built around monogamy, no.
If you’re too young to know what monogamy was, then maybe.
Men are animals and their needs, physical or emotional, need to be met when they arise. If someone isn’t right there when these needs arise, they will reach out to the nearest thing to get those needs met.
Period.
James Hart
Right you are!
JeffBaker
I met my future husband totally by accident on the comments page of a You Tube video in February 2008. He was in CA, I was in the midwest. We started sending instant messages and then e-mails augmented with phone calls. We opened up about everything and were totally honest. We were pretty well in love within a few months and by fall we were planning to get together physically. Because of money and health problems it took about two and a half years but he moved out here and moved in with me. We felt married from the day he moved in and we made it official six years later. Not that life is a total bed of roses, but we have been nothing but happy! Our advice to couples in long-distance relationships is to be honest all the way!
CityBoy300
My husband and I met almost 30 years ago. I was in NYC and he was teaching at a college in North Carolina. But we instantly connected, and within 3 weeks we were in a serious relationship. It was work, but we were both committed to the possibility. He thought he had exhausted the possibilities in his college town (no students!) and I had not found the man of my dreams in the big pool of NY’s gay community. So we found out how to make it work. It DID help that we were in the same time zone, so late-night calls were always possible during the first four years in separate cities. He had summers free, so we could be together then. He created a program for his college to spend spring semester in New York, which brought us together for 8 months of each year; that lasted for the next 10 years.
Eventually, he retired and we started living together all year round. But both of us were equally committed from the outset, which included monogamy, trust, and a sense of humor about our past romances. But life has always been wonderful for us. Obviously, this doesn’t work for everyone, but we have enjoyed all these years together.