We begin with an ongoing illustration of the ninja-like sneakiness with which Pat and Kevin mask their inappropriate relationship: an ass grab at an office party followed by a conspicuous departure for a private rooftop meeting. I mean, who doesn’t do that with their boss? They’re so cute and couple-y that they even bicker about sweaters and schedules before deciding that Kevin will accompany Patrick to Dom’s rugby game on a totally just friends basis. Because nothing is friendlier than forcing others to act casual while you inflict your terrible decisions on them.
Next, we have the closest thing to a superhero/arch-nemesis pairing this show will ever see: Agustin visits Richie at the barber shop. Pat’s ex immediately re-asserts himself as the best person any of the main characters will ever meet: he listens openly even though the dude he’s talking to is a known dirtbag, he expresses his own feelings in an honest but level-headed manner, and he even cleans up Ag’s hobo beard, presumably for free because where would that money have even come from?
A freshly shorn Agustin arrives home to find Pat freaking out about cleaning because he honestly still expects everyone else to join him in the fantasy that Kevin is some sort of romantic prospect. It’s like a prolonged re-enactment of Lars and the Real Girl as directed by Woody Allen at his most neurotic. There’s one thing our delusional little dilettante hasn’t scrubbed, though, which means it’s time for a trip to the local convenience store for some personal irrigation tools. Pat tries to make cute jokes with the woman at the checkout counter, but she’s too busy being a normal person to tolerate his nonsense. Like the rest of us, she’s wondering how he could have gotten this far in his life as a gay San Fraciscan and still be experiencing so many things for the first time. Was he a mermaid before the first season? Does he still brush his hair with a fork?
Dom, Lynn, Doris, and Malik all boned and then slept in the same apartment last night, and it’s a situation that no one seems fully comfortable with. Everyone is in agreement that they’re all too old for this kind of dorm-room tomfoolery, but they still enjoy the special brand of youthful exuberance that can only be achieved through rimming. Because that’s another thing that we’re candidly discussing now for no reason having to do with wanting to feel fun and current after last season’s reviews. Take that, Girls! The gang gets dressed, brushes their tongues (one assumes), and heads out to breakfast to celebrate Dom’s recent meeting with a potential investor and impending game of rugged, gruff, homosexual rugby.
The game is, it turns out, pretty lackluster. (Gay amateur rugby is a little specific to draw a crowd.) Lynn can’t make it, so Doris is left to fend for herself with Ag and Eddie, who has returned from wherever he was last week. Kevin and Pat are late because they were busy having faux-adorable drinks while nearly discussing marriage. (Green card marriage, not the romantic kind, but of course Pat still got his hopes ALL THE WAY UP.) They also leave early because this is seventh grade and making out is important. Besides, Eddie is proving to be a little too much of an Anglophile and it’s making everyone more uncomfortable than they already were.
After winning the game and having a celebratory group dick wiggle in the shower, Dom learns from a teammate that Lynn set up the investor meeting knowing that it would only result in the offer of a manager job, and not the blank check he’s apparently looking for. This leads to some daddy-on-daddy sniping in the parking lot, because it’s important never to discuss these things at home in private. Sending your roommate to stand ten feet away makes public arguing completely acceptable.
Back at the homestead, Kevin is surprised to learn that Patrick reads self-help books, even though everything about the man says “I understand human behavior on a purely academic level.” Baby Boy doesn’t want to jump straight to fucking because he’s such an innocent, a fact driven home by his decision to put on literal children’s programming. Surprisingly, Kevin is all about this choice. Even more surprisingly, Kevin wants to bottom when the completely natural cartoons-to-buttsex segue occurs. Slightly less surprisingly, Kevin then waits until he thinks his fake boyfriend is asleep and calls his real boyfriend on the phone. Patrick is left to lie alone in bed and convince himself that there’s no way he could have seen that coming. Maybe next week Ag can take him to buy a new book about this situation. Or maybe just a new brain.