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Looking Back: The Most Embarrassing Hookup Stories Of 2014

We aren’t here to rag on anyone’s sex life — there are plenty of erotic missteps to be expected in anyone’s life. If there aren’t you’re probably doing it wrong.

Still, 2014 was a year wrought with embarrassing sexual exploits.

Here are our top 10: 

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1. Rub-a-dub-dub

Michael Gordon (center) and his two young escorts were just trying to enjoy the hot tub where Gordon was housesitting for the weekend. Things got testy when the other two got into an impassioned argument over who was the higher paid prostitute. As the old saying goes, three things you should never talk about on a first date are politics, religion and how much you get paid to have sex with strangers. The argument turned physical, and when the cops arrived, all three were arrested.

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2. Truelove

The moral of this story? Truck stop hookups: Hot in theory. Scary in real life. Robert Truelove approached a trucker with a sexual proposition. When his request was respectfully denied, he transformed into a seedy gay demon. Letting out an animalistic cry, he ripped off his shirt. Then he grabbed a large piece of metal and began waving it in the air as he advanced towards the victim whilst threatening to kill him. The trucker, terrified, scrambled back to his vehicle, where he locked himself inside and called 9-1-1. Officers arrived at the scene shortly thereafter. They found and arrested Truelove, who reportedly denied any wrongdoing.

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3. Undercover Lover

Employees at Parkbad Fitness Center in Linz, Austria were sick and tired of dealing with guys getting it on in the sauna, so they decided to do something about it. The center hired “undercover enforcement officers” to hang out inside the hot room naked and keep their eyes peeled for any patrons who may be up to no good. So far they’ve nabbed at least two unlucky thrill seekers.

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4. WWJD?

It may be simulated, but it still makes our list. A teenager in Everett, Pennsylvanian got himself into deep trouble after shoving his crotch into the face of Jesus. The statue, which belongs to Love in the Name of Christ, a Christian organization with a branch in Everett, was not damaged during the stunt. Still, the teen was charged under a 1972 law that criminalizes “defacing, damaging, polluting or otherwise physically mistreating in a way that the actor knows will outrage the sensibilities of persons likely to observe or discover the action.” If that’s not convoluted, we’re not sure what is.

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5. Food porn

Say hello to Republican weirdo Jacob Schwab (pictured at center.) He’s the actor (yes, really, an actor) responsible for the Texas GOP adding a “reparative therapy” plank to the party platform. Commenting on his ex-gay background, Schwab wrote, “I think in some ways food replaced sexual sin for me and now I can’t even get into my own pants.” We’re trying not to imagine what he does with a 12 inch sub.

Then there were these lovely stories from our friends at Whisper:

4. Gag reflex

I was so nervous the  first time I had sex with another guy I threw up

3. The bad aim

I'm gay and I tried having sex for the first time but I couldn't get it in... so embarrassing. I thought it would be easier

2. The disappointment

My first gay experience would've been better if the guy had a lot more down there ????????

And finally, we thought we’d share one especially unfortunate story from a Queerty commenter:

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1. Everyone’s a critic

A first time at gay bar hook up. It was terrible, when he found out it was my first time my sex partner critiqued my performance. It was very bitchy/petty and not at all constructive.I found out afterward the guy was a very bad drag queen (imagine Humphrey Bogart dressed as Marlyn Monroe).