Low Selfie-steem: A Guide To Self Portraits

JohnCarrollIt never ceases to amaze me while looking through social media sites, to see the endless posts of self-taken pictures, otherwise known as “selfies.” You’ve seen them, those photographs almost always taken with a Smartphone by the same person appearing in the picture, their arm outreached in front of them (or in the more salacious ones, behind them!), possibly standing in front of a mirror with the phone clearly visible.

These pics are plastered all over the usual suspected sites – Facebook, Adam4Adam, Manhunt, Scruff and Grindr, but now we have Guys With iPhones, Guys In Sweat Pants and I’m sure given enough time, Guys With iPhones Wearing Sweat Pants Playing With Honey Badgers.

In today’s visual, cyber world, where meeting someone through an online dating site is the equivalent of catalogue shopping, more and more people are leaving pride and better judgment behind and diving head first into the waters of narcissism and “no they didn’t!”

Here are five easy steps I offer up to you when you have a camera phone, time on your hands and an overreaching ego.


1. Say Cheese.

You know the phrase, “You’re your own worst enemy?” Well, dare I add, “You’re your own worst photographer.” What you need is a second pair of eyes, a trusted friend to tell you when your mug resembles the title character in Throw Momma from the Train, or even worse – Zoolander. Now, if you’re needing a bit of privacy because your photo calls for a more “compromising position” where the caption might read, “this end up,” invest in a tripod or at the very least prop your damn phone up on a book.  There a number of apps with a time delayed flash. Yes, it might take more time, but don’t act like you don’t already go through 20 pictures to get the “right one” (which is inevitably the wrong one).


2. Strike A Pose.

A legion of gay men have been led astray by Tyra Banks and America’s Next Top Model. All those selfies of guys pursing their lips and smizing  (to smile with ones eyes), doesn’t make them look like a supermodel of the world, but rather a crazed, legally blind, blow up doll. In other pics, what is meant to be an effortless, “why, I always look like this” pose, comes off more like an ad campaign for Ripley’s Believe it or Not. You know the ones, where the guy’s baring down so hard to flex a nonexistent muscle his eyes are bulging out of his head and his colon is about to explode through the floor. No one in a picture who was clearly trying too hard has ever made me hard. Less is more people.


3. Lighting is Everything.

Lighting can make or break your photo. In good lighting, I look like Jon Hamm. In bad lighting, I look like Boar’s Head Ham. When you’re taking a selfie in front of your bathroom mirror or in your gym locker room under the apocalyptic rays of florescent light, you’re doomed to look like Ol’ Mother Hubbard. What you want is downward lighting where every roll looks like a rippling muscle and every blemish — a beauty mark.

dog poop selfie  

4. Location, Location, Location

We’ve all seen the endless array of gym locker room selfies, bedroom selfies and I swear to God, I’ve even seen a frozen food section selfie. Where you are physically in a picture you’ve chosen to take of yourself, by yourself, says a lot about who you are. Forego the exotic. We don’t need to see you being “sexy” at the zoo. The same goes for driving in your car or at your nephews Bris. If it’s in your home, clean the place up! It’s not a compliment when someone mistakes your selfie for an audition picture for Hoarders. If it’s in your bathroom, clean off the shelves! We don’t need to see what toothpaste or wrinkle cream you use. And I would think that I wouldn’t have to say this, but apparently, I do.If you’re going to go all “back to nature” on us, at least pick up the f-ing dog shit.


Shark Selfie

5. Click, Click, Flash, Delete

Last but not least, possibly the best piece of selfie posting advice I could give would be — enough already! No one, not even your own mother (especially with the “slutacious” content posted out there) wants to see a constant stream of pictures where the only subject matter is you. You really don’t need to capture an image of yourself every time you fart, belch or blink. So next time you feel the need to let the world know what you look like in that particular moment in time — put the camera down. For in the words of Jesus Christ, “No one cares.”

John Carroll is a Broadway performer, writer and activist. For more information on him, go to

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  • Jake357

    Best. Article. Ever.

  • hudson

    lol! the hoarders comment is the best one for me. While I’m not on grinder or any of the others, the same comments can be said for guys that like to cam on line. I can’t believe the number of guys that live like mommy never taught them to pick after themselves. I’ve seem some dudes shooting from what looks like a messy storage locker, others a packed-to-the-rafters basement. If you’re going to use a high def cam, pay double the attention to the above article!

  • CleJoke

    Under LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION… also mention there is this great feature called CROP. You can cut out a good amount of the backdground and focus in on yourselfie. If you take a landscape selfie in the bathroom I really don’t want to see the crapper! Or your decorating taste.

  • Tookietookie123

    @Jake357: Exactly my thought after reading it!! Can’t wait for that “Guys With iPhones Wearing Sweat Pants Playing With Honey Badgers” website to be up!!

  • boring

    I don’t really see a lot of selfies, because I don’t hang around with assholes.

  • Wilbready

    I agree, Best. Article. Ever! I thought I was the only one who paid attention in high school photography class (yes, we had this thing called “Visual Arts” in my high school). I lose focus (pun intended, thank you Uncle George!) when I see a plethora of extra junk in the foreground, background or anywhere in between!

  • DarkZephyr

    @boring: How do you avoid yourself?

  • boring

    @DarkZephyr: I’ve burned every photograph I’ve ever had of myself in a bonfire. Every mirror I have in my home has been turned around. It’s pretty easy to accomplish.

  • Jackhoffsky

    The best picture on this article (which was SOOOO necessary, BTW – thank you) is the first one at the top… the one taken by SOMEONE ELSE and not the subject of the photograph. The idea of selfies is “this is me right now,” “this is me in red,” “this is me in a hat,” “this is me in a different hat.”

    You know what? No one cares. It’s the same face with the same arm at the same length away from the body. Personally, I would prefer if the internet wasn’t clogged with people thinking they need to prove how cute they look in everything… because they don’t. None of us do. We look cute in a few things – so pick of of them and have an artistic friend take a picture.

    Post proudly.

    Repeat once a month, if necessary.

  • CheriMcGill

    my girlfriends aunt just got an almost new black Honda Civic Coupe by working parttime from a macbook air… get redirected here…

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