female force?

Madonna, J.Lo, & Julia Roberts: The Cartoon!

Wait, before you get your leotard all up in a bunch, and post an angry reply on your Treo about how this headline’s so “typical” of the “old” Queerty, hold off on your indignant “disbelief” – this story is true. The “new” Queerty’s proud to report that, this summer, Madonna‘s going to become a cartoon (or, comic, or whatever people would call her in San Diego at Comic Con).

Scheduled for an August release (just in time for the pop maven’s 53rd birthday (she’s a Leo!) and produced by BlueWater, a company that specializes in unlikely comic book stories (“Kathy Griffin & Barbie Together?” and “Martha Stewart Comes to Life” and “Lindsay Lohan’s Wild LIfe Captured in New Biography Comic Book”), we’re sure the (immaculate) conception of a Madonna comic was a no-brainer. Relief! Madonna’s place in the “Female Force” series is now assured, and she stands head & shoulders beside “Sarah Palin, J.K. Rowling, and Ellen DeGeneres.”

We’re interested to see if her “little-known events” are included and wonder if that includes stories about her picking up Puerto Rican boys? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!) (“Hola, Mi nombre es Madonna, lo que es tuyo? Ah, Carlos Leon. Usted es un papi chulo.”) Jason Schultz, Bluewater’s VP, told us Madonna’s so perfect for comic book form because  it’s “a visual medium providing perspective that is not only accessible but more relatable to the average person without losing any of the information involved.”

We’re sure the “Full Force” Madonna is good, but we prefer the story of Madge’s friendship with former B.F.F., Rupert Everett,  which he detailed in his hilarious yet overlooked auto-biography, Red Carpets, and Other Banana Skins. He takes one look at her and thinks: “Just like America, everything about Madonna had changed, and what hadn’t been is carefully wrapped in psychological clingform and inside an interior fridge.” Rupert loves Madonna best when, “The old whiny barmaid came screaming out of the defrosting cold room. Which was good: I loved Holiday Madge, too.”

Rupert and Madonna worked together on The Next Best Thing, directed by John Schleisinger (Midnight Cowboy, Sunday Bloody Sunday, Darling), a project that began over dinner with Madonna asking Schleisinger was his favorite pick-up line was. “My face seats three, and it’s leaving in ten minutes,” came the reply. “Be on it.”

Then there’s the classic moment at the premiere for The Next Best Thing, when Madonna meets Julia Roberts (another of Rupert’s co-stars in My Best Friend’s Wedding:

Julia and Ben appeared out of the explosion of flashlights, looking glossy and unruffled.
‘Hi, I’m Julia,’ said Julia, with a huge smile.
‘I know who you are,’ said Madonna, icily.
It was the only good moment of the evening.

Rupert’s best story about Madonna takes place at a Donatella Versace party and isn’t about Madonna (though he describes Madonna and Gwyneth, ‘huddled around Donatella’s garden couch like bullies from the upper sixth”). It is his description of Jennnifer Lopez, “who sat with Benny (Medina, her manager), holding a beatific smile in place for longer than a porno star keeps an erection.”

Come August, we’ll see if there’s a mad (mad!) rush to buy the comic book version of Madonna, no doubt led by the gays, one that promises, “through it all, she remained true to herself and appeared to be genuine” (note emphasis on “appeared”) and “quite simply one of the most powerful women in the history of entertainment.”

No doubt about that. Interesting, though, what Female Force’s “vision” of Madonna doesn’t promise: any evidence that she can sing rather than simply perform, at which she is unquestionably talented. Or, for that matter, act.

Tomas Mournian is the author of the novel, Hidden, available at Amazon.com and great online bookstores everywhere.