Sexual fluidity

After making love to a woman and loving it, gay man decides he’s still gay

“I’ve never been ashamed to speak openly about my sexuality or my feelings and I don’t shy away from talking about my private life,” gay comedian Andy West writes in an article published by Gay Times“but I’ve found myself in a situation where something might come out about me that is kind of weird and misleading.”

Rather than risk that happening, West has decided to lay it all out there in an op-ed appropriately titled I’ve finally had straight sex and I loved it!

“I am gay,” West explains. “I came out when I was 18 and I’ve never hidden it or shied away from it since. But recently, I’ve been struggling with a secret. It happened kind of recently. I was out. I’d had a few drinks and I met a girl I knew at the bar.”

They had a few drinks, shared some laughs, took some selfies, and the next thing West knew it was morning and “we woke up next to each other in bed. Naked.

“We looked at each other, uncomfortably at first and then she asked, ‘did we have sex last night?’ ‘Yeah,’ I said, tucking the quilt under my leg to make sure we weren’t touching.”

Related: CDC Survey Finds A Surprising Number Of Straight Dudes Have Had Gay Sex

Of course, this isn’t terribly surprising to us. With more and more straight guys opening up about their same-sex sexual experiences, it makes sense that gay guys would do the same. And West agrees that gay men sleep with women all the time, but the whole thing is still weird to him.

“The majority of my friends have done it in the past,” he says. “But that’s just it. In the past. They all did it before they were living a happy gay life. Why did I do it after? And, more confusingly…why did I enjoy it so much?”

The situation has thrown him for a complete loop.

After giving it some serious thought, West says he has a few takeaways from the experience:

  • “Sex with a woman was not repulsive to me,” he writes. “I do not find a woman’s body in any way troubling unlike so many gay men who seem to rejoice in using horribly misogynistic language about women’s bodies.”
  • He describes the experience as more “spiritual” than lustful or passionate. “It was a hazy, soft, calm, whispered thing. Not passionate, more…spiritual. Less, rutting animals…more like water over sand. I’m not a poet I just can’t work out how to explain it.”
  • Lastly, even though he found the experience enjoyable, he does not think he is bisexual, and here’s why:

“I found myself wondering about it on the tube late last night and, as I did, I let my eyes wander over a guy in joggers on his way back from the gym,” he writes. “He had a great bum and strong arms and his lips were soft. He caught me looking and I turned instantly to see a businesswoman sitting a few feet from him. She was dusky and tired but beautiful. I hadn’t even noticed her.”

Related: Straight Guys Reflect On Those Times They Had Gay Sex

What do you think? Does a gay man having sex with a woman one time automatically make him bisexual? And what happens when the tables are turned? Does a straight guy having sex with another man one time automatically make him gay? Share you thoughts below…

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  • davidkohl

    The short answer is no. People often ‘experiment’ or get into situations like this. The whole issue of ‘bisexuality’ is a very thorny one. Some claim it is a convenient cover for those who somehow feel it is ‘better’ than admitting to be gay – kind of ‘half normal’. As I am not bisexual I don’t know if that is true or not. I have never had any ‘issues’ with being gay – I new from the age of about 8 I liked men so there was no great ‘coming out’ moment for me. I have never had sex with a woman and never will have. The thought has never even entered my head.
    I kind of feel that this story poss no great dilemma for most people. So he had sex with a woman – so what?

  • CaliKyle

    My experiences with females also happened after those I had with males. I enjoyed myself but never reconsidered myself as anything other than gay. Unlike the guy in the article, my sex with girls was far more physically intense and not at all “spiritual,” as he mentioned. In fact, my inability to connect with a female on any level other than purely sexual and/or platonic is the main reason I identify as gay. True bisexuality to me implies the ability to be both sexually and romantically involved with males and females. Ive never had so much as a flicker of romantic interest in a woman, only men.

    • Scribe38

      My experience is more similar to the story. I can bang dudes with no emotional connection and think nothing of it; can’t do the same with females. I have to be friends with a female and care about her to want to see her naked. Anytime I have hooked up with women, it’s always a situation where we are friends for a long time and she’s going through a rough patch (dumped by bf or family member dies) and we just connect. I consider myself gay. I’m physically attractived to dudes, but occasionally a woman works her way into my heart.

  • Chris

    Is this the same gay man who is referenced in another article where the husband came home from work only to find his wife having sex with her gay BFF???

  • Realitycheck

    Big News! Tear up the front page!!!

  • Jack Meoff

    The only sex I’ve ever had with women has been in a three way when I am more interested in her husband. Some women love watching their husband suck a d!ick.

  • mattyboy23

    There’s nothing unusual with two humans, regardless of gender, coming together (no pun) to experience intimacy and connection. Specific gender attraction can be strong, but openness is needed to be able to experience something intimate with a partner whom you wouldn’t normally sleep with based on their gender.

    I think what Andy experienced was a strong connection with someone who happened to be a woman. This doesn’t necessarily make him bisexual. This makes him open-minded enough to recognize a connection that ended up manifesting itself in a physical way.

  • ErikO

    This guy sounds like he is bisexual but is in denial about it.

    • Donston

      Not really. Traditional bisexuality in men (having persistent and substantial sexual attraction both men and women) is extremely rare. The ability to enjoy sexual activity with multiple genders doesn’t make someone bisexual. That’s never been its definition. Plenty of gay men get off on being able to sexually please women or romance women. Some gay men get off on being able to sexually dominate women or be sexually dominated by women. The same thing goes for hetero males sexual experiences with other men. So much of sexual behavior, identity and enjoyment has to do with ego, habit, perversion and/or basic physics. Forcing everyone who’s had sexual experiences with multiple genders and didn’t hate it to identify as bi actually hurts legit bisexual men. And it leads to less openness and less self-acceptance. Having had sex with mostly women until my early twenties and having often enjoyed it I can say I’m a full-on gay. I’m not sexually attracted to women and I don’t fantasize about women and I don’t have any romantic interest in women. We need to allow people the space and experiment, figure out who they are and what they want and not be obsessed with labeling, which at this point has just added to confusion and self-denial.

      True-blue bisexuality in men (where a guy has real sexual attraction to men and women and also see both men and women as real potential romantic partners) is even more rare. Ultimately, this is where bisexual as an identity becomes problematic for some and why a lot of bi/fluid/queer/etc identifying men don’t like to get into details about their sexuality. There are extreme differences between sexual attraction, experimentation, fetish/perversion, habit, ego-driven sexual behavior and self-denial. And those multitude of things often tint people’s sexual behavior and their identity. Since men aren’t often willing to be straight-forward about these things, no matter what they identify as, it adds to the confusion.

  • DCguy

    And another article about no labels, about how gay guys like sleeping with women, about how people aren’t bi, they’re heterflexible or gay etc…

    And as for his comment of “•He describes the experience as more “spiritual” than lustful or passionate. “It was a hazy, soft, calm, whispered thing. Not passionate, ”

    In other words, he wasn’t attracted to her and had to be in his own head to function. There, I helped.

    • Donston

      That’s how this site works. For a year they were promoting the “bi-guy”. Now, they’re promoting “no labels”. Yet, they’re scared to explore the real sh*t that’s going on out here and in people’s heads. It’s all fantasy and sensationalism. But I’m used to it now as we all should be.

    • Donston

      It was determined a long ass time ago that many men can get enjoyment out of sexual activity with genders they don’t have sexual attraction to and for a multitude of different reasons (many of which I mentioned in my previous post). Nothing groundbreaking here.

  • Dave084

    I know that sex and sexual orientation are two different things. I suppose his hetero encounter doesn’t make him any more straight that a straight guys encounter with a guy makes him gay. People fall in different places on the spectrum. Even in my years closer to my “sexual prime” I couldn’t get the equipment to function long enough to get close to a woman sexually. I tried. Miserable failure and an experience I would never want to repeat.

  • stevebond

    How did you know you enjoyed it if you woke up from a black out?

    • Alan down in Florida

      If you have to ask if you had sex you probably didn’t.

  • dustashed

    At least I’m not the only one. I’ve always figured it goes both ways.

    I’ve slept with women before I came out. And tried it again after just to make sure that I’m really gay and not bisexual. And although it was enjoyable having sex with women, I identify as gay because I don’t have that strong attraction towards females outside of occasionally sex and won’t actively pursue then romantically.

    Knowing this, I came to the conclusion that the opposite could also hold true for many guys who self identify as straight and yet have occasional dalliances with men.

  • salumbre

    In my early thirties, I went into a phase where I dated women and was in a exclusive relationship with one for about two years. The sex was only great with the one I was in love with, and even then it did not come naturally to me. It was a great experience, and I enjoyed it while it lasted (sex, heartbreak and all), but afterwards I went right back to men and have not looked back.

    I do not think that makes me bisexual (and I know enough bisexuals to make an educated guess), and I still identify as gay. But, you know, gay, straight, bi, whatever, those are preferences, not some sort of commitment.

  • radiooutmike

    He’s whatever he wants to be. I don’t think it matters at all that his time with a women came after he was gay/out/however we’re describing.

  • mz.sam

    Any sexual encounter news item involving a woman…S-N-O-R-E !

    • kent25

      lol TRUE!!!

  • surreal33

    As a gay man, it is ironic the best sex I have is with married or otherwise hetero attached men.
    Unfortunately, 100% gay men are boring, feminine, and lousy in bed.

    • MikeE

      thank-you for sharing your self-loathing with the group.

    • DCguy

      This post brought to you by Self-hate, the closet, the Mormon Church, and Senator Lindsay Ghramn

    • Donston

      It’s ironic you should say that considering the majority of famous or semi famous men who identify as bi are effeminate. And the person this article is about is fem as fvck.

      These self-hating idiots will always be a problem.

  • Chris2016

    Is this this same Andy West who appeared on the UKs ‘Big Brother’ and furiously lashed out at a fellow Gay housemate for pretending to get engaged to another male housemate, because “men in Saudi Arabia are killed for being Gay and your making a mockery of it”? Sounds perfectly logical. But in reality he was just pissed off that it stole some thunder from his own engagement. Using the bodies of executed Gay men because you couldn’t handle sharing the spotlight. Charming.

    Sorry, but I can’t take seriously anything this self-righteous fool says.

  • Donston

    Due to narcissism, self-hate, ego, gender confusion, perversion, experimentation, obsession with hetero dynamics and general culture there are plenty of men who are only sexually attracted to other men or are primarily attracted to build real romantic bonds with other men. While some gay men just find themselves in relationships with women again or having sex with women again because they’ve gotten bored of the “gay lifestyle”. It is what it is. Using each other for sex only and having shallow and isolated relationships remains a problem for many gay men.

    People either overly romanticize sexuality or treat it like it’s nothing. And that’s what continues to lead to the lying, promiscuity and silly terms like “I like different people’s energy” and “emotionally fluid”. Like I said before, as long as you’re honest about your exact attractions, instincts, behavior, fetishes and romantic desires there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I just get annoyed with the countless men who use labels and identities and their sex with multiple genders to hide themselves, to hide their perversions/fetishes, to cover up their convoluted and conflicted egos or their internalized homophobia. As long as none of that’s going on do what you do.

  • kent25

    lol This Bitch ain’t gay, he’s that clown that perpetuate that LIE gay men can have sex with women if the wanted to. He’s a nelly bisexual ,she’s not gay lmao

  • ass eater

    but there was nothing spiritual about the hetero sex i had. it was purely machanical.

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