What do you do when you discover the guy you’ve been messing around with is engaged… to a woman… and he has two young children? That’s what one 29-year-old U.K. man wants to know.
“I met a cute gay man online but have just found out he’s due to get married next month–to a woman,” he explains to advice columnist Deidre.
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The man says the two met online and “soon bared our all on the webcam.”
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“We arranged to meet up but I checked him on Facebook beforehand,” he says. “I was shocked to see he is engaged to a woman and has two little kids.”
But the plot thickens.
The man continues: “Not only that but he’s friends with an old pal of mine. I spoke to her and she said his fiancée was thrilled to be tying the knot at last.”
“My friend begged me not to speak to her because she had just bought a house with her fella,” the man explains. “She said I should talk to the guy, so I did, but he didn’t seem bothered. Should I tell his fiancé?”
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Deidre breaks the situation down pretty quickly.
“He is clearly leading a double life and that rarely ends well,” she says in her response. “But blowing his cover won’t make it OK.”
She continues: “Talk to him, though. Say you hope he’s not risking his fiancé’s sexual health and that if he’s hurting her then he’ll also be hurting his kids.”
“Let’s hope that that pricks his conscience,” she concludes.
What do you think? Should this man confront his paramour about the double life he is leading, or should he alert the fiancé? Sound off in the comments section below.
jheryn
I feel bad for both the kids, boyfriend and the girlfriend of this guy. All of them are involved with a guy who is hiding things from other people.
As Deidre said, leading a double life rarely ends well. In this case he will have a wife and children who are going to be very hurt. The boyfriend needs to dump him NOW!
Since he told the boyfriend that he wasn’t bothered by this situation, I wonder if he will care at the pain he will eventually cause.
Billy Budd
Dump him, forget about him and don’t tell anyone, especially not the woman.
GayEGO
@Billy Budd: Right on! He does not need this complication in a relationship.
Reasonable
He needs to tell the guy to tell his girlfriend or he will do it. She has a right to know BEFORE she marries him.
Bauhaus
@Billy Budd:
Succinct and perfect!
Juanjo
Not his monkey, not his circus. As Billy Budd says, dump him and forget about him. You are not the first nor are you the last guy he has lied to. Not to mention the lies he must be telling this woman.
My experience, learned many years ago, is that most women do NOT appreciate it when the boyfriend shows up and spills the story.
Brian
Men are for pleasure, women are for babies. Men are far more suited to men when it comes to oleasure, including sexual. Women exist to channel men’s desire for pleaure into procreation.
Sukhrajah
Here’s a question – if you were that woman – is it not her right to know?
It will eventually come out – and then what? Did she willingly sign up for this? No. She will be devastated, married to a closet case, with his children – and waited her life devoted to a lie. So, two men get to carry along – one with a secret (the boyfriend) and the other living a lie (her husband), and she has no recourse.
If she enters into the marriage, of her own free will, knowing his sexuality – fine. If anyone were truly concerned about the majority of the people involved (and the most vulnerable…the children, and the wife) – instead of placating their own guilty conscious – we could focus on their well-being.
She will find out eventually. What then? After the Implosion of her life, after her divorce, or worse – coming to be conned in her own marriage, to a fact that she must now accept her husband cheating to stay with him. At least now, she has her youth, her whole life ahead of her, and many more compatible men out there for her to meet. Her children will have a better opportunity to live in a World where their parents are not at odds because of a secret, or a lie that their parents live. Has anyone here grown up with a parent in the closet?
So, in the end – we have a ‘boyfriend’ that is silently complicit, a ‘fiance’ that is a liar, and a woman (and her 2 children) being willing deceived. Why are we now advocating silently ruining a woman and two children’s lives – to save the face of the perpetrator of said ruination? Going back to the beginning – if it were you, in her shoes – wouldn’t you want to know?
Sukhrajah
@Juanjo:
If I walked up to you, out of the blue, and told you that your relationship was a lie – and that I am the proof that it is. Imagine all of the emotions; rage, hurt, despair, the fear of realizing the person that you are in love with is a liar, the shame.
How do you expect her to react? You expect to show up, destroy her relationship, and what – she thank you?
She is going to be pissed, and rightly so. She is the person that is most justified to be upset, angry and hurt ; SHE was the one that was cheated on.
Ask her 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades from now and with each she will be progressively less and less upset (in most cases) about it. She though, has a right to know – because sooner or later, she will find out – and her life will be devastated then. At least this way, she is safer, and younger – and better able to move on with her life.
Sukhrajah
@Brian: …and Brian is for idiots – and cheating, closeted homosexual looking for a way to assuage their conscience.
Chris
Dump him because he lied to you; and then, walk away.
What’s between them is between them. If you do anything more, it’ll be motivated by revenge.
dwes09
@Brian: Brian, brian, brian….There is an actual world outside of your fevered brain. Check it out. Real people, real places, real things.
Anatomically, women and men are clearly co-evolved for sexual activity. Equally obviously they are also evolved for pair bonding in which their sexually dimorphic physiology and psychology support each other. Same sex attraction and pair bonding is an artifact of our genetics or uterine environment that has been selected for social value as well (lots of published research on that). And it is limited to a certain as yet to be accurately ascertained percentage of the population.
That you wish it was something every “normal” man yearned for just so you could feel good about yourself does not change the reality that it is not. Men are “for pleasure” for some men, women are for pleasure for most men, and either one will do for another small percentage. Them’s the facts, and they trump your imagination.
Women do not “exist to funnel men’s desire for pleasure into procreation”. They exist for exactly the same reasons they exist in other primates and other creatures where sexual dimorphism and division of labor serves to further the species. Arguably (VERY arguably), sexual pleasure is the result of evolutionary imperative for procreation. And in animals like us where females are not restricted in their sexual receptivity to a specific season, sexual activity is one of the many ways in which pair bonds are maintained and strengthened.