A U.K. man fears he may have destroyed his chances of ever find true, meaningful love because once upon a time he worked as a male escort.
“I have recently found myself struggling to be intimate in long-term relationships,” the man writes in to advice columnist Pamela Stephenson Connolly at The Guardian. “I’m a gay man, and left a loving but sexless, five-year relationship six months ago.”
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He continues: “I find sexual encounters with strangers exciting, and worry that I can’t be intimate with someone I like. When I was a broke student, I turned to escorting a handful of times.”
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The man wonders if this may have tarnished his ability to love.
“I am now worried that this has been to the detriment of my goals of a fulfilling, loving relationship,” he writes.
Being a psychotherapist who specialized in sexual disorders, Connolly has no trouble getting to the root of the troubled man’s problem.
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“Your ability to compartmentalize relationships and to separate love and sex does not necessarily hamper your ability to form a satisfying, long-term bond,” she begins. “But do you really want that right now?”
Keeping the fire stoked in a long-term relationship, she continues, requires some work.
“It seems that your relationships so far have used the immediacy or novelty of attraction to fuel a short-term encounter,” she observes, “but the far more difficult task is to adeptly deal with the vicissitudes of sharing daily living with another human being while maintaining the erotic spark.”
“True intimacy,” she says, “involves allowing yourself to see, and be seen, by your partner. … Perhaps you are not willing to reach so far at this point in time? Does it really matter? If you are not ready now, maybe you will crave a deeper union with the right person at a future time.”
What do you think? Could this man’s past encounters with strangers have stained his ability of ever finding real love? Sound off in the comments section below.
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Victor Barry
I know what his problem is….he’s a moron.
zooby
@Victor Barry: Yep.
alphacentauri
Yes he probably did fuck up his chances of having an actual relationship or partnership with anyone. Who wants to actually attempt such a thing with an ex male whore? Why did he stay in a completely sexless relationship for five years all while cheating on his so called ‘partner’ who he claims he ‘loved’? Yeah he’s a moron.
scotshot
@alphacentauri: Why don’t you go back to your own kind. I imagine you’d enjoy spending your time castigating people like the Duggars and the rest of the xtians in the US. tend to your crowd’s problems.
Cobalt Blue
To be a prostitute put an end on any kind of serious relationship that is based in free will and donation. If you once put a price on something that others give for free, turn your body into a commodity and accept to make sex with half mankind, it’ll be hard to convince others that you are able to turn back and keep a normal life, a normal relationship because you pass a certain limit and quite sure this experience changed you for life. No wonder people say: ” Once a wh*re always a wh*re “.
SFHarry
You can find true love without monogamy.
Once you realize your relationships don’t have to be like in the movies you will be just fine.
alphacentauri
@scotshot: Nice projection about yourself. I’m not into the born again hypocritical types; but you certainly are. 😉
Cam
Staying in the sexless relationship for 5 years probably messed him up as far as knowing how to be in a relationship more than prostitution did
Giancarlo85
One of these “oh poor me” stories. I doubt he will do anything to improve himself or change. He is just lazy and wants everything handed to him. To have a relationship you need trust.
Mykaels
Or it could be that he is not monogamy oriented.
onthemark
@Mykaels: “Or it could be that he is not monogamy oriented.”
GASP!!! Well then, let’s burn him at the stake! LOL. Anyway I doubt his having done escorting “a handful of times” would make any difference in the long run.
notevenwrong
I hate when counselors say that keeping relationships going requires “a lot of work.” A good relationship doesn’t. But of course they would say that, since it is their bread and butter.
Derek Perron
This can actually happen but the headline sounds like it’s from the onion
thenameismatt
His past encounters didn’t stain anything. His past will dictate how he sees his future as long as he stays stuck in his own stories and limiting beliefs. As long as he sees his future as bleak, he will create a bleak reality. So it goes for all of us too. Part of the trouble is that people, gay men in particular, are fed such a constant diet of shame and guilt and we start to believe it’s true. There are many paths out of this kind of mindset. We need to support each other in our healing and stop all the condemnation of one another. Love comes in many forms. Real love is all around.
Saint Law
Well, this is the wrong place to look for pointers as to how to have a functional relationship.
trell
Oh come on! He “Can’t be intimate with someone he likes”?
He needs to change his viewpoint a little bit. At the end of the day, brief sexual encounters, whether paid for, or NSA hookups, are all about your own personal gratification. Sex in a relationship is not about what you want. It’s about making your partner happy, and in turn, them making you happy.
Good sex in a relationship is about communication, understanding, empathy and knowing your partner.
If you are complaining about “Keeping the fires stoked” for 5 years with the same partner, then you’re doing it wrong.
Homo Erectus
@Saint Law: It’s simple – he should ask Pope Giancarlo85 what to do. Then do the opposite!
No
@Victor Barry: LOLOLOL