A recent survey out of the U.K. has found that nearly half of Brits between the ages of 18 and 24 years don’t identify as “100 percent heterosexual,” and one quarter of them have had at least one homosexual experience, indicating, what researchers call, an “increasingly open minded approach to sexuality.”
But already that open-mindedness is causing a few problems for some people. A man recently wrote to advice columnist Colleen Nolan at the Mirror asking what to do about his friend who had sex with his sister’s girlfriend’s boyfriend.
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“My close male friend of 10 years has just revealed that he is gay,” the man begins. “He has a lovely relationship with a male partner he has been with for a year now.”
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“However,” the man continues, “he also told me that three years ago he had an affair with one of our mutual male friends–who has had a girlfriend for five years. He has not spoken to him since their split.”
Still following? OK. Here’s where it starts to get a little complicated.
“So, basically, this man cheated to have a gay affair,” the man writes, “and his girlfriend happens to be my sister’s best friend of 10 years.”
Related: More And More Straight Guys Are Giving Each Other “Bro-Jobs”
That’s some serious made-for-TV drama. But it gets even more dramatic.
“I feel extremely stuck and have told my sister I don’t know what to do,” the man writes. “Neither does she. I feel loyalty to my friend and she feels loyalty to her friend.”
“In the middle of this is a girl who is wasting her days with someone who is gay and pretends he is in love with her,” he continues. “It is an awful situation and, either way, my sister and I both feel guilty. Should we get involved? I feel disloyal to my friend if I share this information, but hideous for the girl involved with his ex.”
Never fear, Colleen has a solution.
Related: Man “Shocked” To Learn His Boyfriend Is A “Cross Dresser” Named Mandy
“Firstly, her boyfriend might not be gay,” she begins. “It might have been a one-off or to do with him experimenting–I actually know quite a few straight men who’ve done that– or he might be bisexual. Whatever’s behind it, it doesn’t excuse him cheating on his girlfriend.”
She goes on to say that it’s really up the sister to decide whether or not to tell her friend that her boyfriend cheated with another dude, “as she’s her best mate.”
“Perhaps what your sister needs to say to this girl, is that if she loves her boyfriend and wants to stay with him, she’ll support her, but she can’t pretend not to know this information and keep it from her,” Colleen writes.
She continues: “Your sister should realize that it could be a case of shoot the messenger – her friend might side with her boyfriend and freeze your sister out. That’s the risk she takes for telling her the truth.”
What do you think? Should the sister tell her best friend about her boyfriend’s cheating ways? Vote in the poll below.
Spike
Simple. Mind your own business.
Chuck Arbuckle
Another got your attention..now lets make a big deal out of it story. This culture of ” I know what is best for you” and having sex with more than one person when you are seeing another is pure CRAP!. I am not saying that heath wise one should not be careful. What I am saying is that your moralizing (imposing your beliefs on another) is so out of the context of individual self -finding and being I want to puke. In this culture there seems to be an acceptance that limiting any choice of experience other than what I have been brainwashed to accept and believe is “wrong.” With all the imposed “appropriateness” how does one ever expect the individual to ever truely know themselves? WTF..do you know yourself or are you so hidden in your camouflaged reality that you think you have all the answers for everyone else? The lesson here: observe, question self and realize not everyone is you or wants to be.
Christopher Schapker
It happens all the time
Tony Chaplinski
best to keep quiet
Josh447
That’s one way but then if the girlfriend finds out later about the sitch, and finds out her friends knew, it could be a problem. I would suggest the cheater be forwarned to tell the story to his gf first, or someone else may spill the beans. Honesty is always the best policy. Guilt is a hard thing to hold onto.
Peter Chronis
State your concerns to the boyfriend, clue him in that it’s up to him to choose to divulge, and then let it go.
fagburn
Are Queerty going to be treated to one of these every time the Daily Mirror runs a problem from a gay man?
Gay journalism!
Johnny Jaqua
Was it him?
fagburn
[‘Queerty readers’, obviously]
Daveliam
I had a similar thing happen to me back when I first came out of the closet. A bunch of friends were hanging out and drinking and someone mentioned that I had just come out. The boyfriend of a friend of a friend (if that makes sense) went “Really? I didn’t know that.”. Then I noticed that he was paying me more attention throughout the night. Later, after only a few of us were still awake, he followed me to the bathroom and gave me my first “out of the closet” BJ. I didn’t stop him because I was drunk, young, and selfish. The next day, I was really guilty and ended up confiding in our mutual friend. It became a big deal and the guy’s girlfriend broke up with him and I never saw him either of them again. I still regret it to this day. Maybe I did the “right thing” (Did the girlfriend have a right to know?). Maybe I didn’t (I essentially “outed” this guy as at least bicurious and that’s not really cool). I always wonder how I’d deal with it differently if it happened when I wasn’t a young kid?
Daveliam
@Daveliam: And by “young kid”, I mean 22. This was 15 years ago.
Dennis Maloney Jr.
It’s none of the guys business, unless he wishes it was him.
Bob Ashworth
Always possible the guy is lying & never slept with him at all. Mind your own biscuits & life will be gravy.
Milton Appleby
I call BS.
tford216
@Daveliam: You did the right thing. The height of misogyny is acting as if a closeted gay supersedes the female he is cheating on.
NoCagada
@fagburn: Journalism? Who said this was journalism?
JJ24
No excuse for cheating or knowing and not telling a friend, tell her but in this case of hearing it second hand I might confront him first.
Chris
This is all hearsay. A third party saying he had sex with another mutual friend. Either ask the mutual friend if this is true or stay out of it. But do not go to the girl friend because, at best, this is gossip.
Derek Perron
He’s bi and his past affairs are no ones concern
Mark Anthony Arnaldo
very like it can i join…;)??
Blackceo
Yikes. I was actually in a similar situation once and I stayed in my lane at first but the couple I know I met together and so I was not closer with one over the other. I ended up telling the husband what I knew and simply told him that its a small world, that I was confronted with the situation from a male acquaintance who recognized him as I was casually going through pictures. My male acquaintance isn’t even in the circle for which I associate with the married couple I at least didn’t have that to worry about.
Hell…I don’t know what kinds of arrangements some people have. Perhaps the wife knows and its an itch she lets him scratch. I just presented him with what I knew, he confirmed it, and it hasn’t been spoken of to this day. They are still married and she’s currently pregnant with her 3rd child.
Mark Anthony Arnaldo
oh yeah..;)
Marcus A. Moutra
I would tell my friend right away what he cheating soon to be ex did, but after i get the proof because some men tend to be lying about whom they slept with. Smh
Ladbrook
Oddly, I don’t really care what he does.
With that said…
If he’s reading Queerty’s post on this (and seriously, why wouldn’t he be), he might want to head over and read the extremely sympathetic piece at Out.com about the growing number of aging straight women who suddenly find themselves alone at 50 or 60 after their husbands of 20 or 30 yrs come out and run off.
So put yourself in her shoes… what would you want? And how guilty will you feel if she marries the guy and 25 yrs from now he comes out and leaves her hanging?
You know what to do… now go do it.
Aromaeus
Definitely the sister should tell. If it had happened before he was dating the sister’s friend then I’d say keep it to themselves.
Guy068
@Aromaeus: Exactly. If the sister’s best friend thinks she’s in a monogamous relationship, the sister should tell what she’s found out, whether the boyfriend is screwing a man, a woman, or a hamster wrapped in heavy duct tape. She wouldn’t hesitate if it were another girl…
Eli Gukich
More difficult than you think!
Been There! Done That!!
jwtraveler
Trying to follow that story gave me a headache. MYOB
stranded
Fuck the first guy. First of all, he slept with a guy in a relationship, and second: he blabbed about it. Honestly, i always say, it’s none of my business. People’s relationship is their own business.
Goforit
Stay the hell out of it. Sticking your nose into other peoples relationships never turns out well for anyone. We have no idea what rules this couple has set up in their relationship. We, as a group rail against others that try to dictate the morals by which we must live our lives. Then we turn around and do the same thing? The real villain here is the “friend” that had an affair on the DL with a man that he knew was in a relationship and then when the affair ended he decides to out the other man. What a f…ing jerk. First I would dump him as a friend. Then let his boyfriend know what an ass he is.
Vanessa Forbes
Happened to a friend of mine but it was his girlfriend the was cheating on him with some chick.
Saw her playing tonsil hockey with some girl at the bar.
I wouldn’t have ever seen her if it wasn’t for my girlfriend. She told him the truth……I let her know that night…..you do it or I do it.
Some would say it’s none of my business. I’m a loyal friend. I hope someday someone would look out for me if I was in that situation.
Cam
Not sure what they are worrying about. The brother’s good friend is not harmed if the story comes out, he just slept with the guy a few years ago, the sister’s good friend would probably like to know her boyfriend is cheating on her. So it seems like these two are going through all this agony simply to protect the boyfriend who is friends with neither of them. Stop being such drama queens. The sister should tell her friend she 8s dating a cheater or she is a crap friend. If they have an “arrangement” as some have speculated then there is no harm done anyway.
Rachel Leonardo
Yucky
Dev.C
This guy should stay out of the drama, it’s good that he told his sister what her friend’s boyfriend was doing, but he needs to leave the rest up to his sister if that’s something she feels she should tell her.
The sister probably should tell her friend, but it’s really nobody’s business but that girl and her gay boyfriend’s.
martinbakman
@Spike: I agree. In fact the original affair should have remained private. It was none of his damn business. His friend is an idiot for sharing that private information in the first place.
Craig Shapiro
Confront the cheater, get the facts. Support them in coming clean and wish em luck snd go on.
50 50
Situation happened to me several years ago.
A mate posed some questions to a group of us out for drinks, should you tell someone that their boyfriend was cheating, and would we want to be told if it was our boyfriend? Great debate, good discussion, I said I would expect to be told – later told me on the side my boyfriend of two years was cheating.
Avery Alvarez
At first I thought this story was about a guy wondering if he should tell his friend that her boyfriend is cheating. I was like, Hell Yes! You have an obligation to your friend. That’s what’s friendship is about. You have no obligation to hide the cheating boyfriend’s proclivities.
From this story though, it sounds like this is his sister’s best friend. I think I would tell my sister, and then and leave the decision up to her.
Clark35
@Derek Perron: Exactly, plus you never know his GF could know he’s bisexual and they could have an open relationship as this can be common.
Juanjo
No one knows the real facts Person A told person B he slept with boyfriend. Maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. Person B tells person C who tells his best girl friend who is good friends with boyfriend’s female love interest. Now there are a lot of variables here.
1. Boyfriend never slept with person A who is just telling stories for shits and giggles or is mistaken concerning identities.
2. Boyfriend did do it but it really was a drunken moment of weakness which in the telling has become more than that.
3. Boyfriend may have confessed or even the couple has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” agreement.
But one thing personal experience tells me is true. Neither of them are going to appreciate others talking about the matter or taking it upon themselves be “helpful” and inform anyone about their own personal business. Doing so is a good way to ensure you are not friends with either boyfriend or girlfriend.
Billy Budd
They should remain mute.
dustashed
If everyone involved were straight, what would you do?
I have straight friends who cheat on their girlfriends all the time, and the only correct answer.. no matter how horrible it sounds is–NO. You let them be and carry on with your life as if you don’t know. If the person asks you if her boyfriend is having an affair, tell em they should ask their boyfriends instead of you.. “You are not at liberty to say” is what i always say
Juanjo
@Avery Alvarez: Interesting comment. But no one is saying anything about a “gay dude code” nor is anyone saying anything about going up the girlfriend after all is out and saying”I knew all along”. What people are saying is mind your own patch. As the saying goes, “it’s not my monkey, not my zoo”.
I am willing to bet that if you were in this situation you would more likely be unhappy with people no matter when or how they told you.
Avery Alvarez
I would never betray my female friends by saying, “yeah, I knew your boo was cheating on your for a while, but I kept quit because it’s none of my business”
Maybe they do have an arrangement. So what? She’ll say, “I already know. We have an arrangement”
So many people here seem to think, throw your friend under the bus to protect some “gay dude code\.
Okay, b!tches. If that’s your thing, go for it. But if you’re my friend, and you knew and didn’t tell me, it would be revenge time.