Navin Noronha has a thing for married men. Or maybe it’s that they have a thing for him. It’s unclear. But he’s hooked up with quite a few over the years, and he writes all about it in a new essay titled “Everything I’ve Learnt From Sleeping With Married Men as a Gay Man” published by Vice.
“Many gay men I know, including myself, have gotten their hearts broken at the hands of men married to women,” Noronha writes, “with many swearing off this category altogether after having their hopes dashed over and over.”
He goes on to talk about the first time he hooked up with with a married dude, who he didn’t know was married prior to their getting naked together. Noronha was 19 at the time.
“I was rather bewildered when I found out,” he says, “but also intrigued.”
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“This man has a wife, and together, they have a kid. Why dip your beak outside then? Well, as he tried to rationalize it, ‘Men across the spectrum cheat. So does it matter if it’s a man or a woman you’re sleeping with?’ I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt but he continued, ‘See, buddy, after childbirth, a woman’s vagina isn’t firm enough for a lot of guys. That is why men like me go for other men.'”
Noronha recalls other married men he’s had sex with over the years, including one who told him afterwards, “I have a son your age. You should meet him some time” thus “taking my calling him ‘Daddy’ to a meta level.”
“One other dude didn’t even tell me he has a wife,” he recalls. “But thanks to the wonders of Truecaller and Facebook, I could track him down and see his wife plastered in all the display pictures. My heart sank because he texted me the next day, ‘I want us to be more.’ Well, three is ‘more’ than two if you think about it.”
Noronha adds that he’s “always felt bad for the wives” because “they usually have no idea that their partner is on dating apps, looking to have sex with other men.” But as he gets older, he’s starting to feel sorry for the guys, too.
“The more I talk to them, the more I’ve come to realize that my initial disgust towards them has turned into empathy,” he writes. “I have no idea how they live their entire lifetimes in duality. If nothing else, they have superb self-control.”
In the essay, Noronha pontificates over just who’s to blame for all these suspicious married bisexual men afraid to live out their truths?
“Who is really to blame here?” he asks. “The men for succumbing to societal pressures and not daring to come out, irrespective of whether they happen to be gay or bi? Or is the LGBTQ+ community at fault for not being more accepting of other narratives and shaming married men?”
We can’t help but wonder how gay men who find these guys on dating apps, earn their trust, and then tell the whole internet about them afterwards might also factor into the equation.
Related: When turning 30 means you’re into guys *and* their dads
bradford44444
There is no value in this “article”. Why in the word was this published?
tf3.0
If youre helping a marries man cheat (male or female), you are an immoral, sleazy, dirty person who in turned on by breaking up a home.
I understand that it take two to tango, but Society thrives when we keep each other accountable, not when we encourage the worst impulses of one another.
Vince
How is it someone else’s fault having sex with a married guy. Isn’t that the married guys responsibility?
thisisnotreal
Dude preach! I can understand if maybe one or two times you hook up with random people and they don’t tell you they are married until after the deed is done and then you feel like ish, that I could understand but this guy clearly has a pattern of booking up with married men and I just don’t believe that all those times it’s a random luck of the draw that the people he’s hooking up with have mostly been married. It sounds more like he has a fetish or preference for men who are already taken (by women it seems like so there’s a layer of internalized homophobia there as donston would say) and I’m sorry but paint a rose another color and it’s still a rose. Label a home wrecker as something else and it’s still a home wrecker. Shame on all those men for being selfish with their needs and not calling it off with their wives before they decided to double dip, and shame on the author of this post for clearly seeing a pattern in his own behavior and still deciding to make it a routine to seek out the next affair cuz I’m willing to bet he would be crushed if the shoe was on the other foot and he was that wife being cheated on by someone he loved. I have zero sympathy whatsoever for men who cheat outside of committed relationships and I have zero sympathy for the people who willingly contribute to breaking up relationships by seeking those men out all for the sake of a married curious straight guy fetish.
This is part of the reason why so many decent and kind gay men in our own community go their whole lives alone without someone to share it with. because this fetish of straight men this, questioning men that, is still so highly regarded and propped up as the ultimate trophy to hang on your wall that many people in our own community would rather hunt outside of their own territory in favor of something more “taboo” or “challenging” over the gay man next door they could have with much less hunting put in. These men need to really examine their inner selves and their motivations and fix that ish cus our community gets larger every day but for some of us that’s never enough of a potential dating or hookup pool and they feel the itch to always search outside the fence.
Invader7
Learn English and correct grammar and punctuation !!
Josh447
When you’re looking for someone to blame and you find two hands pulling your balls in painfully separate directions look no further than the hands of the church, and your I’ll placed support of their sexual antics. Guilt: A big dollar business.
Vince
One time I got together with this guy who told me he was getting married this wknd. One last fling and all. Well, the chapel was right below my apt complex so I watched it. I had no doubt he was going to cheat and probably often as he was too much of a sex pig.
If you’re bisexual or even gay find a bi person and have an open relationship. I just don’t get these guys that play around on the down low ie cheat. So not sexy.
Donston
I couldn’t care less who someone marries, what they identify as, who they sexually engage with. I’m just not a fan of manipulating or deceiving people. And nowadays the excuses for indulging manipulation are dwindling. Even if you are within a particularly religious, anti gay environment there isn’t much of an excuse, at least if you live in “western society”. Be real with yourself and your partner concerning your sexual behaviors, your attractions, your confusions or fluidity, your traumas, where you are within the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum. Anything less than that is an act of selfishness and egomania.
When it comes to the guys who they cheat with, that’s a whole other issue. Many men find dudes on the DL or dudes who attach themselves to hetero-normalcy and hetero relationships to be superior or more “unique”. They get off on the fact that the dude isn’t “out” or that he’s straight-identifying. Even someone like Graham who claims to sympathize with these men seems more like he fetishizes them than anything else. While it still can be somewhat difficult to find non-closeted, suitable guys to date. But once again, the excuses are drying up.
thisisnotreal
@donston, took the words right outta my mouth couldn’t agree more.
dmar
as a gay man, what future is there with a married man who identifies as straight? What do you mean by getting your heart broken? What heart are you referring to if this man is taken and in denial? This is a you problem and the true shame is that you probably won’t stop chasing these dudes.
Donston
This is an issue “queer media” refuses to tackle head-on. There’s a lot of write-ups concerning closeted guys, guys on the “DL”, guys who are married to women but have sex with guys, guys who are into dudes but see themselves as “straight”. And I’m fine with that. Everyone’s story and struggles should be told. And I am aware of how difficult it can still be when it comes to being “out”, understanding yourself, dealing with fluidity, being real about where you are within the orientation the spectrum. However, there aren’t many articles about males who purposely seek out these types of guys. There are very few write-ups about the insecurities, internalized homophobia, paraphilias that drive so many of those types of “queer” males. Just because someone is out of the closet, gay identifying and/or has unabashed same-sex preferences and relationship ambitions doesn’t mean that they still don’t contend with self-resentment and homo inferiority complexes. A lot of these guys see men who are connected to hetero-normalcy or straight identities to be superior. They lust after these men. They idolize them. They also sometimes get off on the drama and subversiveness of hooking up with guys who are closeted or have female partners. And a good percentage play victim when they don’t get to guy to come of the closet and leave his wife. This is an issue that needs to be tackled on a multitude of levels.
cwaigy
And? The story finishes how?????
Den
Personally, I try not to play with married men regardless of whether they are married to a man or a woman, and even if the partner knows. Three ways are a bit different, but all too often they end up a little odd, but at least you know both parts of the couple are into it.
With married guys the ball is always in their court and you are always secondary. And should they break up and become available, can you really trust their ability to make a real commitment knowing they (and possibly you, in self defense) will always be testing the waters?
I recall an old relationship where we had the rule “tricks only, no dating”. Every 6 months or so his friends would call, saying “X is bringing some date to parties and events where we expected you.” We were not living together so it was easy for him. One of them introduced him to speed, and when I found out about that I ended it. Told him to never call or talk to me again unless he was in recovery.
I’m a big fan of serial monogamy.
Cam
“‘See, buddy, after childbirth, a woman’s vagina isn’t firm enough for a lot of guys. That is why men like me go for other men.’””
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What a bunch of closet case B.S. If all they cared about was a tighter vagina, they’d cheat with a woman who HASN’T had kids. They wanted to sneak off and sleep with a guy because they’re attracted to men and married a woman to hide that fact. Or they’re bi and never told their wife.
Donston
For some men a hole really is just a hole, and they’re willing to accept sexual attention from practically anyone. It doesn’t really have to do with attractions or passions. But if you’re purposely looking to continuously hook up with guys there’s clearly something else going on beyond a hole being a hole. Using that as an excuse for hooking up with men over the course of years does come off both misogynistic and homophobic. It doesn’t have to be about identity. You don’t have to suddenly go around saying that you’re “gay” or “bi” or “queer” or whatever. You make everything about identity. I don’t give a shit about that. I’m just tired of people making excuses for their behaviors, for their instincts, for their confusions or fluidity, or for wherever they may be in the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum.
Invader7
More trouble than they’re worth !!! AVOID married straight men like the plague. It’s a dead end, zero sum situation !! I’d take video and make sure the wife sees it.
muscl954
If you’re knowingly having sexual relations with a married man (or woman) then you are an immoral person. You are a willing accomplice to the married person’s adultery.