We bet a more than a few of you out there fantasize about snogging a married man. Give David Amsden’s new piece in New York a read, however, and your fantasy may go limp.
Amsden recently went on a mission looking for closet cases who leave wifey at home for homo encounters. The result’s anything but sexy. One man, who Amsden calls William, gives us his depressing take on trolling craigslist for secret trysts:
Look, it’s not that I don’t understand that what I’m doing is wrong. Obviously, this isn’t what I signed up for when I got married. Every day I’m lying to my wife. But at this point… I think I need this in order to be–maybe not a good husband, but to function in the marriage the way I do. I know that if we didn’t have a kid that my other life would have just taken over. Lying would have been too much, especially if there was something missing in our marriage. But we were happy when she got pregnant. And we’re happy now. I’m not always happy–I’m rarely happy, to be honest–but we’re happy.
Wiliam’s secret life hardly started at marriage, of course. The New York native tells Amsden he had his first gay encounter during college. No, he didn’t grow up in a religious household. And, no, he doesn’t think homos burn in hell. He’s just stuck in his married ways:
I used to think I was bi, but now I really believe that I am gay and just was not in the right situation. I think I like a particular kind of guy and when I went out looking I never found him, so I gravitated toward women. I found what I liked on the Internet, but I was already married.
William did once consider coming out – right after he fell in love with another man – but neither situation worked as he planned. He tells Amsden,
I wanted to have a kind of hip and arty life, but I was just a white-collar working stiff. I was really considering moving to California. I just liked the idea of a totally different life. At one point I made up my mind to come out–to tell my friends and family and then just move, let it blow over.
Unfortunately, William put the coming out off for so long, that he’s found himself married with children and stuck in the closet. So, will William come out in the future? He’s not sure, but he does know that if he does, he “won’t be marching in any parades”.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Qjersey
Why do closet cases/DL guys/”I’m more than just gay” guys always think that coming out means having to wear a thong at a gay pride parade?
Seems to me that hetero-privilege is hard to give up!
leomoore
You are wrong. I came out to my wife on our 9th anniversary. By that time, we had two young children who mean more to me than anything. We struggled for at least three years to find a way. I couldn’t leave my children the way my parents left me. My wife was and is the very definition of a committed mother. I have marched in a number of pride parades and even worked on the planning committee one year. I have manned booths and worked on a gay help line. It was my way of staying in touch with the gay world. I encountered a lot of prejudice from gays for being married to a woman and not hating her. I’ve also encountered prejudice from heterosexual people who believe I was probably molesting my son. I have also found my closest friends. My wife and I found a way to be close emotionally and to live together.
I can’t say I was the perfect father, gay or straight. I know I was difficult at times and depressed for long periods, but my children provided a light to me. With my wife, we became better parents and raised them to the best of our ability.
Did I mention that I had boyfriends? I always told them up front and made clear I would not be leaving my family anytime in the foreseeable future. I even had a lot of one night stands while I was out of town on business. That’s how I contracted HIV by drinking too much one night and waiving the condom requirement when I discovered my box was empty.
I’m a grandfather now, and I am pretty content with life. My wife and I are still together and almost certainly will remain so.
cjc
Some closeted guys I have pity for. Not this one. I feel sorry for his wife, although don’t tell me she didn’t have some inkling of his homo tendencies, or hasn’t found evidence on the family computer. I grew up in a religious household but thanks to modern literature and Internet connectivity, I jettisoned those lies at the age of 16, and a decade later, I haven’t bred irresponsibly.
Paul Raposo
leomoore, I don’t understand. Why couldn’t you have found a husband in all these years? Not wanting to hurt your kids is lovely. But just because you left your wife, doesn’t mean you have to leave your kids.
A lot of times I get the impression that for too many men, they are afraid to be alone and believe that being openly gay will cause that. This is why we need more examples of long term gay couples so that people today can see that gay relationships are viable and productive.
I’ve met two young men who both have long term gf’s, but identify as gay. They claim they have gf’s because they can’t find bf’s. I don’t buy it. Both go out cruising bars every night, neither has had a gay relationship last more that a couple of days and neither believe that a gay couple can get married and raise kids, which is what both these 20 somethings want. I think it’s nothing more than internalized homophobia. One of them said, “I don’t want my future kids to think their dad is a faggot.” What about thinking dad is a slut?
I didn’t start dating men till my late twenties and I never dated, or slept with anyone–male, or female–until I was emotionally ready to accept myself as gay and actually sleep with men. Those were some lonely years, but I’m the better for waiting.
I hope you don’t take this as an insult, leomoore , but I just don’t get it. I hope you might consider opening up and explaining to us how men like you, or Tom Robinson, or that Mormon from Utah jibe your emotions with your realities.
nycstudman
Dudes have made their bed and nwo they gotta lie in it. I can’t believe anyone living in NYC in 2007 doesn’t know how to get out of this life if he wants. I have many (seriously: many) friends who have kids from marriages and are now big queens – and great dads. And – oh yeah – their kids uniformly worship them, in a way I’ve never seen w/str8 dads. Hey, gay is the new black for youn’uns!
GranDiva
But Paul, leomoore is still married to his wife…
I know well, though not firsthand, that being gay or bi and married with children is still possible; the family I have Shabbat dinner is living proof, via that old throwback chestnut, the open marriage. They’re both programmers/engineers, she became a stay-at-home mother somewhere between the birth of their two children and is a prominent member of her synagogue’s board (theirs is an interfaith marriage), he has long-distance relationships with other men and is quite open with wife and children about his bisexuality. They manage circumspection about other facets of their sexuality (including the fur-lined shackles, among the other sex toys in the house) with their kids about the same way my parents did with me and have been quite open with their kids’ sex education in very age-appropriate ways throughout their lives.
It’s something that can be done, and very healthily when things are a little less closeted/shame-driven.
CondeNasty
I have been dying for someone to write this article for years. As an out gay man with internet access I have continually been approached by closeted married guys over the years. GranDiva is right to an extent. A progressive open marriage can be a balanced solution, but at the end of the day someone is going without.
Ultimately I think leomoore (and married gay guys like him) are selfish. They want the ease and social acceptance of married life, they want the kids and the white picket fence etc. This is all fine but when you want the gay sex too…therin lies the ruin. I know leo came out to his wife and managed to cobble together a modern arrangement but at what cost? It would have been better to set his wife free to find a second husband and a second lease on life and happiness. Statistically speak men die early and men with HIV (sadly) die earlier still. Ultimatey she will still end up alone having sacrificed a second chance for happiness at the expense of his decade of lies…. Not a pretty picture. I am glad that when I was 18 I had the sense and will to stop dating girls, realizing that to continue doing so would only hurt them but also the family we could have formed.
Rowen
. . . So, some jackass coward can’t bear the thought of truly living his life, and managed to non-act his way into some fucked up semblance of life and we’re supposed to care? All of his responses are the same damn responses that drug addicts use as to why they won’t seek help. Or some of the more lucid mental patients. Which is what this guy is, mental. His wife is unfullfilling, along with his job, and he refuses to take responsibility for his or her happiness. He’s going to non-act his way into a serious heap of trouble, while the rest of us “out” fags dance in thongs and have a gay old time.
I hope to god the author of that article dosen’t expect us to feel sorry for him. I have no sympathy for someone, especially in NYC, who insists on living that bullshit lifestyle in 2007. It’s jackasses like him (well, and others, but right now, the righteous anger is directed to him) that help give gays a bad name.
CondeNasty
Here Here Rowen. You hit the nail on the head. “William” seemed really anaesthetized to his whole life getting by, acting out and waiting to muster the balls to be openly gay “one day”. He refuses to accept the role of free will in a person’s life. It is cowards like him that give us a bad rap….
Mr. B
Thank you, GranDiva. I know this isn’t the majority of cases, but there are some married queer guys who (along with their wives) are perfectly happy with the arrangement they’ve come to. And, like you, I know lots of gay men and lesbians who came out after becoming parents, and most of them (and their kids) are just fine.
Not that I advocate life on the DL. Hiding who you are and hurting other people sucks ass. Open marriages are something else entirely.
leomoore
Paul, I don’t know what to say that will make any of you accept me as I appear. I have found that getting fellow queers to simply accept my situation as is without judging me as somehow deficient was like getting my father to simply accept the fact I am gay and would never like Nascar or Waylon Jennings. It simply doesn’t mesh with the way a lot of gay folk think things are supposed to be.
Conde, my first impulse is to call you a narrow-minded bigot who judges me and others like me as simply being selfish. Perhaps we are, but I don’t lie to people about who or what I am, not even my children. My wife and I enjoy our lives which we have chosen to spend together. Doing without is a statement you made without defining what you mean. If you mean sex, until about five years ago, I was about as chaste as a whore in a brothel, but stopped after a near miss with someone that brought months of anxiety that I might have infected him. Fortunately, he remained negative, but I decided it simply wasn’t worth the risk and anxiety. My wife appears to have remained without sex although it is really none of my business. We talked about it long ago, and I sought to reassure her that she could if she wanted without fear of hurting me. We always agreed that when we were together with our children, we were parents first. Perhaps Conde, William and “cowards like him” give the rest of you a bad rap. I don’t know why you think so. The straight men and women I know who stay in their marriages while sleeping with other people don’t appear to mark other straight people, only themselves.
William might be emotionally anaesthetised, but how many gay people have you known who weren’t anaesthetised at some time in their lives. It can happen even amongst heroic people like yourselves. I know all your relationships are simply magical and never mundane. Righteous anger feels so good when you can blame someone for all the bigotry you have to face in the world. Everyone knows that out gay people are always exemplars of good taste and never do anything tacky or mean to other people.
You guys are a piece of work. So full of yourselves and so certain of your righteousness. If only you could make everyone conform to your way of living and thinking, all would be right in the world. There would be no prejudice, no descrimination, no AIDS, no hunger in Africa, and the shrub wouldn’t have been designated as president in 2000. Does that about sum it up?