Stop Duane Reade Before It's Too Late!!

Martha P. Has Mission

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Martha Plimpton may not be a fag, but the fags sure do love her. Well, we do, at least and can’t resist passing on a little Martha-related gossip

New York recently sat down with the Tony-nominated actress (Best Featured Actress in The Coast of Utopia, in case you’re not keeping score) and we’d like to give her a Pulitzer for her astute social commentary on New York’s ubiquitous Duane Reade pharmacy chain:

It’s always a journey into the Heart of Darkness, going in there, with a long line of hysterical Upper West Siders tearing at their clothes and smearing themselves with their own feces. Here is the script:

Me: “Plimpton.”
Duane Reade: “Clinton?”
Me: “Plimp-ton.”
Duane Reade: “Crimpson?”
Me: “PLIMP. TON.”
Duane Reade: “Pimpman?”

Cut to: Giant mushroom cloud signifying my own internal apocalypse.

I feel that Duane Reade is an evil empire, and surely there is something we can do to destroy it, before all of Manhattan island, perhaps even all of planet Earth, is renamed “Duane Reade.” Let us take up arms against them and their hideous plan to turn us all into Club Card–wielding zombies covered in poo.

It’s funny ’cause it’s horrifically true. Sniff, sniff…Oh, god…they’re in the hallway. They’re in the hallway!!!