MEA CULP-ULATING

Masturbating Anti-Gay Pastor Caught Apologizing In Public

Yesterday Louisianan Reverend Grant Storms got caught masturbating near a children’s playground. He claimed he was just peeing in a bottle, but today he has made a tearful public apology for his “inappropriate, sinful actions.” But just so you know, he still wasn’t masturbating.

The self-admitted porn addict said that while he was parked near children he wasn’t looking at them; “I’m not a pedophile,” he said. “I’m not a child molester.” However, he did admit to looking at porn an hour before heading to the park (TMI, yo). As for his public fiddling: he admits being in his van with the seat reclined, his pants open, and his hands in his undies but stresses that he was NOT masturbating. We can buy that—sometimes you just gotta scratch an itch and keep on scratching until a passerby reports you to the cops.

So… he wasn’t masturbating but still calls his own actions “inappropriate” and “sinful”? Maybe his God disapproves of jock itch. Either way, he did accurately call himself a “hypocrite” and says he no longer works for the church that used to call the public sexual antics at Southern Decadence “illegal and immoral.”

“When I look back,” Storms said, “there was a lot of things I would have done differently. I was very proudful, I was very arrogant, I was very mean spirited at times and I apologize.” Thanks Stormy, but you’re in God’s hands now.

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