big reveals

May 5’s Coming Out: If It’s Oprah, We’ll Die. If It’s Michelle Rodriguez, We’ll Change the Channel.

May 5 is going to be so annoying. A famous person will come out, around noon EST, and we’re going to have to rush a slew of posts up on this here website so we can thin-slice the shit out of it, because that is what my boss demands. That makes my job hard! But as publicist Howard Bragman throws an arm on his the small of the back of his newly open (probably musical) client and guides her (but probably not him) to The View and Larry King or wherever, we already know how we’re going to react if the big reveal is about one certain individual over another.

Our reaction, of course, says less about the significant of such an event — coming out is still a big deal, and a bigger deal for The Famous! — and more about our attention span, since we wade through gay this and gay that all day long. This reveal better stimulate our glans!

UPDATE: Queerty‘s guess: Singer Chely Wright. Read why here.

The Ones We’ll Lose Our Shit Over The surprises of all surprises. These folks might be straight, very well could be gay, but most shocking of all will be their acknowledgment of it. And that they would go on The View, People, and other talk shows to discuss it — how declasse — is also a factor. Not necessarily the “OMG, he is gay!!” variety, but celebs of such caliber that even we’ll do a double take.

Tom Cruise
Oprah (and Gayle King, of course)
Dolly Parton
Ellen Page
John Travolta
Eric McCormack (He’s married with kids, so that’d be a big deal)
Hugh Jackman (Same as above, but he, his wife, and his gay partner and more in a throuple relationship than anything else)
Tyler Perry
Kevin Spacey

The Ones That We’ll Put Down the Doritos For We like to think we already know these candidates’ sexuality, whether we’ve independently confirmed it, it’s an open secret, or there just isn’t any way they could be straight. But still, we’ll pay attention only because we’re interested in why they’re revealing it now.

Queen Latifah
Wentworth Miller
Missy Elliot
Shelby Lynne (Running favorite)
Pam Grier
Alicia Keys
Kelly Clarkson
Matt Bomer
Venus Williams
JC Chasez
David Archuleta
Jonathan Knight
Anderson Cooper

The One’s So Obvious We’ll Change the Channel Over These folks are basically out already, but may have never said the words into a reporter’s microphone. So that they’re “coming out” is sort of a non sequitur, because, well, really?

Johnny Weir
Zachary Quinto
Michelle Rodriguez