THOU SHALT LOSE

Mayoral Candidate Endorsed By Jesus Christ Comes In Last, Loses To Gay Man

anna_pierre-thumb-250x209-30285A mayoral candidate running for office in North Miami this week was convinced she’d win Tuesday’s election by a landslide after announcing the holiest political endorsement in history: one from Jesus Christ himself.

According to campaign materials issued by Princess Anna Pierre, a ’90s Creole pop star turned registered nurse turned radio DJ turned politician, Jesus endorsed her via prayer shortly before she registered her candidacy with three important signs. When asked by a Local 10 reporter what the three signs were, Pierre declared “I’m going to keep them private.” Lulz.

Although Jesus Christ may have been one of the 56 people that voted for Princess Anna Pierre in yesterday’s election, it certainly wasn’t enough to land her that cushy new desk job. In fact, with only 0.83% of the total vote, Ms. Thang came in dead last.

The most ironic part of Pierre’s short-lived political career is that openly gay former mayor Kevin Burns came out on top with 33% of the total votes. Burns will now move on to a run-off election with Lucie Tondreau, who received 28% of the vote.

A secretary at the office of Jesus Christ told us he was not available for comment, but we did have a great time listening to his hold music. Ironically enough, it was Princess Anna Pierre’s seminal smash hit, “Papa-M Se Wa.”

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18 Comments

  • Chris

    We are using “Lulz” in news articles now? Wow.

  • Derek Williams

    Is this the same Jesus Christ who never once saw fit to condemn, let alone actually ever even mention homosexuality, and instead spent all his time attacking religious fundamentalists, the Pharisees and the Sadducees for their hypocrisy?

  • vklortho

    @Chris: I think the lulz was very fitting. :P

  • 2eo

    @Chris: You have a Facebook link in your username, you have no valid opinion on language, in any capacity.

  • LadyL

    This news is like a hug from Jesus.

  • Kangol

    She lost. Jesus wept.

  • D9W

    Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.- Oops someone forgot to read their Bible before they open their mouth about JC being in their back pocket.

  • Billysees

    @Derek Williams: 2

    @D9W: 7

    Great comments —

    Derek No 2 and

    D9W No 7.

  • Nixter

    I guess Jesus didn’t love her…or was too busy.

  • 2eo

    @Nixter: He must have being too busy letting children starve to death and jacking off on the bodies of cancer sufferers in their sleep.

  • NormdePlume

    56 votes. Maybe she should have gone with Moroni instead of Jesus. At least Moroni got Willard 47%

  • Ogre Magi

    @Derek Williams: Yeah and he pisses ginger ale and farts air freshener

  • ouragannyc

    Was she democrat or republican?
    Anyway, leave the poor woman alone!

  • D9W

    @ouragannyc

    She is a Christian Republican.

    Leave her alone? Please tell us what plant you come from?

    Maybe you don’t mind having your rights to be breathing taken away from you, but I think the rest of us don’t think that the Christian Republican Reich is so warm and fuzzy towards the GLBTQ community’s civil rights (like: Gay Marriage, Right to have a job, Right to rent or own a house where we like to live.).

    YES, there are Christians who are LBGTQ friendly (they are call Liberal or Progressive Christians, and come by a name of: Welcome and Affirming.), but normally Welcome and Affirming Christians don’t associate with the Christian Reich and their hate/bigotry/ thinking (Example: Pat Robertson and his 700 hypocrites’ Club, NOM, Rick Warren, Franklin Graham (Billy ‘s Son), ect).

    Get the picture?

    Maybe it’s just me, but my love quotient for Born Again Hypocrites is very low on the Love scale. And far as I can tell JC would have a problem with them too. He told them to pray in their closets and stop blowing their horns on the street corners to let everybody know they are going to pray. A matter of fact, He told them to do their praying in secret, but it seems these Holy Hypocrites never got the memo (What they would call the text inside of the Bible).

  • D9W

    @ouragannyc
    I forgot one major Civil Right up above: The right to Love the Person you want to love and share your life with that person {In my case that would be my husband}.

    Problem is, people like this Miss Thang, thinks people like us are going to bring down the sky or Western Civilization, or implode the universe because her version of the Supreme Being will have an infarct if there are gay people on planet earth having sex with someone of the same sex.

    Sadly, I have to admit that I am not the center of the universe (though I have been accused of that sometimes, by said husband. Anyway…), therefore there is no way that the universe will implode.

    Personally I don’t think where you put Tab A in Slot B really matters to any Supreme Being. I personally think what matters is that we learn to love our neighbor better then we love our selves (I know I changed that saying. But it is a true-ism. Sometimes it’s harder to love yourself then your neighbor). Let’s put it this way: JC had a bigger hang up about people who thought themselves too big to feed the poor, cloth the naked, visit those who are in prison (whatever prison a person finds themselves in), and people who were too attached to their greed and possessions (remember that it’s easier for a camel to go through an eye of an needle, then a rich man to enter the kingdom thing…), then who slept with who. After all JC hanged out with the Prostitutes, Tax Collectors, and the Lepers or anyone who was part of the outcast, which got all the holier then thou’s and the religious community’s (of the time) panties in a bunch.

    Problem is this lady hasn’t got that yet. She thinks she’s got the God’s Gold Card and speaks for God, plus is above the rest.

  • Billysees

    @D9W: 14 and 15

    Pretty good commentary I’d say.

  • Dominickj

    Jesus may well of said “Kiss my ass lady, I don’t endorse Morons!! AND Stop being a name dropper”

  • Billysees

    @Derek Williams: No. 2

    “Is this the same Jesus Christ…….? ”

    Good comment.

Comments are closed.