CRAZY TALK

UPDATE: Santorum And Bachmann Pledge to Outlaw Gayness, Abortion, Porn

UPDATE (5:09 PM PST): Rick Santorum has jumped on the anti-gay, pro-slavery crazy bus as well.

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Confessed murder-clown and 3rd place GOP Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann just signed the pledge of an Iowan social-conservative group thus promising to oppose any branch of government that extends rights to legally married gay couples and declaring that black families were stronger under slavery.

No, we’re not exaggerating.

Let’s take a closer look at the finer points of this pledge (along with our notes explaining what each line actually means):

– a child born in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was an African-American baby born after the election of the USA’s first African-American President.

Not only do I like the implication that black families were totally better under slavery (nevermind the rape, beatings, forced work, inhumane living conditions, and the fact that slave owners regularly split up families just to make more money), but bonus points for implying that as the first African-American president that it’s somehow Obama’s fault.

– Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage – faithful monogamy between one man and one woman – through statutory-, bureaucratic-, or court-imposed recognition of unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex, etc.

Read: oppose the legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government should they require Americans to treat other married or non-monogamous couples as equal. Any person who is not straight and fucking only one person for the rest of their lives doesn’t deserve the rights or legal protections of marriage.

– Earnest, bona fide legal advocacy for the Defense of Marriage Act at the federal and state levels.

Because the government has thousands and thousands of taxpayer dollars to oppose the rights of states to create their own marriage laws and treat their own committed, hardworking citizens as equals. We need to prosecute and keep queers down, no matter the costs, even though it doesn’t help create jobs, helps tear families apart, and leaves kids rotting in state care.

– Steadfast embrace of a federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which protects the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman in all of the United States.

That is she first wants to bungle up the bicameral houses of Congress by forcing both to reach a two-thirds majority vote on a constitutional amendment that’s increasingly unpopular with Americans and then force states to fight over the proposed amendment when all its most likely to do is precipitate an atmosphere of violence against LGBT people rather “protect” marriage. If she was serious about protecting marriage, she’d wanna an amendment banning divorce.

– Human protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy – our next generation of American children – from human trafficking, sexual slavery, seduction into promiscuity, and all forms of pornography and prostitution, infanticide, abortion, and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.

Ban all porn. Good luck getting the male vote. And what better way to protect women than to deny their right to reproductive health, force them to have unwanted kids, and drive them to back alley abortions that could potentially kill them? Awesome. Totally pro-woman, that Michele.

– Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control.

Yeah, let’s ban Islamic teachings by first calling all Muslims violent and misogynist. After all, we wouldn’t want religious fundamentalists forcing us all follow their theocratic laws, right?

– That practices such as adultery, bisexuality, homosexuality, anal intercourse, group sex, promiscuity, serial marriage, polygamy, polyandry, and extramarital sex individually or collectively lead to general improvements in: HIV, E Coli, Hepatitis, Chancroid, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes simplex, genital warts, HPV, pubic lice, scabies, anal incontinence, and abortion.

Yeah, sleeping with more than one person will the rest of your life will result in HPV, herpes, abortion, and worst of all ANAL INCONTINENCE. None of those things will ever happen to you if you fuck just one person forever.

And the guy whose organization wrote this pledge—Bob Vander Plaats, a man behind the campaign to remove all Iowa Supreme Court justices who voted for marriage equality. In April 2011, Plaats called homosexuality a choice and a health risk worse then smoking:

So, the question remains – Why has Iowa has outlawed smoking in public, and now texting while driving, in an effort to improve public health and safety while continuing to sanction self destructive sexual behavior? What’s worse, smoking or sodomy? According to the numbers, it’s not even close…

“If we’re teaching the kids, ‘don’t smoke, because that’s a risky health style,’ the same can be true of the homosexual lifestyle.”[

Yes, all this supported by the current 3rd place GOP Presidential candidate, ladies and germs.