Words cannot describe how excited we are about American Gladiators! The athletically-inclined game show proved integral to our adolescent masturbatory fantasies, so obviously we’re totally psyched that NBC revived the series.
The network has now posted the complete Gladiator roster and, after much deliberation and examination, we’ve decided that Militia’s our favorite. Why? He’s got the biggest dick. We may not be size queens in real life, but we take no penis prisoners when it comes to American Gladiators.
Meanwhile, in other Gladiator news, one of the male cast mates goes by the name “Toa”. Here’s how they describe him (to be read with exaggerated baritone): “With his tribal garb and distinctive tattoos, he may conjure up images of an island paradise, but facing him in battle is pure hell.” Who writes this shit?