A mom’s dilemma has seen her branded an “a**hole” online. The woman took to the popular “AITA” subreddit on Reddit to explain her family drama.
She explained that it’s obvious to her husband and herself that their son is gay. Rather than drop hints that they’d not have a problem with this, she chose to challenge the young man more directly.
“My son (17m) has apparently been in the closet for the past seven months. So, my son is fairly masculine/straight acting if that makes sense, however, he’s very obviously had a boyfriend (18m) for the past seven months,” she said.
“He sometimes baby talks to this boy, hugs him all the time, has called him handsome, share clothes, sits away too close to each other to the point where they’re basically cuddling, he closes his bedroom door when with him but not any other friends, sees him like every day, buys him gifts, and for the past 7 months he now always smells great, has his hair fixed really nice, and dresses nicer, among other things,” she continued.
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The mom went on to explain that she asked her son if was going to “invite his boyfriend on our trip, and he got awkward and said ‘that’s not funny’, I asked what he meant and he said ‘I’m straight, that’s not funny.’”
“I laughed and when I realized he was serious I started laughing even harder.”
“I told him he was very obviously in a relationship with a guy and did a terrible job at hiding it, he got emotional and started asking me not to tell his dad (my husband already knows, like I said it was obvious). Then he got upset saying outed him when he wasn’t ready, he hasn’t said a word to me in a couple days.”
She wanted to know if her approach had been wrong.
Don’t make assumptions
The dilemma prompted almost 4,000 comments. Most of them informed her she’d been the a**hole on this occasion.
“When I was 17 and watching TV with my parents, out of the blue, my Dad turned to me and said ‘You know it’d be okay if you were gay, right?’” said one popular comment.
“I laughed it off, said okay, and went about my day. Within six months, I was questioning. It took several more years before I was comfortably calling myself Bi and coming out to friends and family. I think I must have given off vibes to my parents for Dad to come straight out and say it like that – but at no point in time did he assume, make comments alluding to, nothing. I was given time and space to reach that conclusion on my own.
“You took that away from your son,” they continued. “Instead of saying something to the effect of ‘If you are, cool – if not, cool. We love you regardless’, you forced him to confront that identity before he was ready.
“You need to stomp this shit out before it spirals. Let your son know what I said above – that however he chooses to identify is okay with you and that you love him regardless and will take any future cues on how to proceed from him.”
Others agreed.
“First, apologize for laughing at him. No matter your intentions, it’s rude and probably made him feel SO belittled,” said someone else, helpfully.
“Second, apologize for making an assumption about his identity and trying to ascribe your take onto him.
“Third, explain that your assumption was simply based on your read of the dynamic between him and this boy. But you realize now that the only people who get to make decisions about what they are, or are not, to each other is the two of them.
“Fourth, for the love of god, tell him that you love and support him no matter what his identity is and regardless of whether he feels ready to disclose such personal things to you yet.”
Related: Heartstopper’s Kit Connor comes out as bisexual, says he feels forced to do so
Some said it was wrong to bash the mom
However, not everyone felt the mom was an a**hole. Some queer people said they would have welcomed such comments from their own parents at that age.
“As a gay man, some of yall need to get over yourselves,” said one responder. “Yes, he had to come out at an unexpected moment, but maybe don’t suck so bad at hiding it? I mean it’s terrible we have to hide anything at all, but if you’re not ready for people to know, don’t go around showing off things that obviously give it away and then get mad when someone has connected the dots, especially if that someone isn’t even being malicious about it and has no way of being aware of what the entire situation even means.
“You’re punishing an ally, that we desperately need as many of as we can get. I mean really, with fascism bearing down on us yall want to scream at the mother who just told her son ‘honey, you’re not as inconspicuous as you think you are’.”
Others agreed with this take.
“Pansexual woman here, but I would have cried from relief and happiness if my parents were this nice about my coming out, whether intentional or not. Also, people laugh at awkward situations as a way to diffuse. I certainly do!”
As previously noted, thousands of people left comments. Some said the mom laughing at her son was the part that they objected to the most. Others said she invited her son’s boyfriend on a family trip, thus demonstrating her support. They suggested it was wrong to judge her too harshly.
What do you think?
Darson
I commented on this very topic on another site. Son needs to calm his tits. Mom saved him the oh so awkward “Mom, Dad I’m gay” cliche speech. Mom and Dad already knew. They state he wasnt very good at keeping it down low. Mom and Dad were supporting them by asking the boyfriend along on a family vacation that they were most likely going to pay his way too. I didnt see the laugh as mean so much as Guuurrrllll!
inbama
Absolutely.
Instead of understanding how lucky he is to have two loving and wholly accepting parents, the queer theory indoctrinated posters deny the reality of his sexual orientation, pretend it’s not real until he “identifies,” and guilt-trip the mom, yet!
thebaddestbabby
so much of being a teenager today is being trained to look for injustice in your own life. so much so that a lot of teens don’t really have a sense of perspective any more. the college application essay process is a major example — teens spend months of their lives scrutinizing their lives for any hardship or adversity, but most people simply don’t experience anything worse than the normal discomfort of being a teenager.
this kid should be happy he has two loving and wholly accepting parents. it really could be way worse!
oBose
For me it also matters what the family communication styles are. Some families practice robust laughter and ribbing of each other, with all expected to take the laughter as loving silliness, giving the same back in similar fashion. Other families are more geared toward navigating sensitive topics recognizing that laughter around a new topic may be received as hurtful.
(I was in an intimate relationship in which my significant other found sarcastic observations as nearly always funny and diffusing tension. Over years, though, I saw sarcastic observations directed at me as attacks rooted in their perceived shortcomings of mine. It was passive-aggressive of them to launch a supposed off-hand silly remark that I was expected to laugh at, but was actually an attack.)
In this mom’s case, if the family hasn’t been one to banter casually about sexual orientation previously, maybe it shouldn’t surprise her that the teen is upset that a first interaction with her about it triggers uncontrollable belly laughs. If I were in her shoes, I’d look for a follow-up opportunity along the lines of, “Hey, apologies that I assumed how you identify, when it sounds like a more sensitive thing. Whenever you’re open to it, I’ll work on being better in future conversations.”
scotty
ooh another fake and gay reddit story.
ZzBomb
This all seems to be a misunderstanding. The mother seems like she thought if she acted like it was no big deal her son may have been more comfortable admitting to it, instead she inadvertently tapped into his insecurity over being gay that he’s been struggling with albeit pretty well and out in the open if her and her husband have noticed them pretty much doing everything but playing tonsil hockey. A lot of the advice already given to her seems like it’ll set her right and help diffuse the situation.
Personally, I think I would have broke down in tears of joy if my mom had reacted that way when I came out. The years of counseling I could get back!?
radiooutmike
That poor teenager. Even if she was correct and he is gay, he may not be in the place to fully accept that yet.
I don’t know what it is with parents obsession about their kids sexuality.
I have two teenage boys. My ex-wife (their mom) says to me every so often, “I wish #1 son would come out, if he’s gay; I think he’s gay.” I usually just say teens nowadays embrace the spectrum, so labels don’t quite matter as much. Then, she’ll say, “Don’t you think #1 son is gay?” I say he might be and he’ll reveal that to us; when he’s ready to, if he is.
My #1 son or both sons may be gay, but then again I’d only be concerned because I’d be able to at least understand some their experiences better; since I am gay too. I could give them support.
bachy
Kids confronting homophobia in the schoolyard can convince themselves of a wide range of excuses and “special circumstances” to justify their same-sex attractions. Maybe the son in the article believes he and his friend are just besties – and not the dreaded “gay.” Maybe they see themselves as “experimenting” or just “playing” for sh|ts&giggles. The mom is obviously pretty grounded in contemporary adult sexual politics, but she is insensitive to her teen son’s trepidations.