Open relationships have been a “thing” in the gay universe long enough for a bit of the stigma to be dissolved, but it’s still a pretty taboo concept in heteroland, where tradition and expectation reign over evolution and honesty.
Because let’s face it — while open relationships aren’t for everybody, being honest and transparent about sexual desire with your partner is aeons ahead of sneaking around in the shadows and cheating in secret. And that’s what happens in countless “monogamous” pairings — one or both partner lies to the person they claim to love, just to maintain the facade.
Related: Guys Reveal How They Really Feel About Open Relationships
An unlikely voice has recently spoken out in defense of openness — in an interview with True Exclusives, actress Mo’Nique gives a refreshingly candid take on what’s made her marriage work.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Whether or not it matches your own personal relationship goals, her’s is a story worth sharing:
“Honesty. That’s it. When I hear men say ‘I don’t tell my wife everything, you crazy?’ and I hear women say ‘I ain’t telling my husband that, you crazy?’ So you mean you trust somebody else other than the person you lay with every night, you slept with, you cried with, you make love to? So I think those long lasting things is simply honesty and communication. It’s got to be your best friend. You’re laying with this person every night. If you can’t tell that person how you feel, then you’re in a bad way.”
She went on to describe how that communication relates to sexual attraction outside the marriage:
“The person that you stood up and you said ‘for better, for worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer’ you took those vows in front of the universe. If you don’t live by them, then maybe you shouldn’t have taken them. And when you say ‘a pass to cheat’—see, when you’re with your best friend and you say to your best friend: ‘I’m having these feelings about this person, sexually, and I want to share it with you.’ When you’re best friends, you can have those open and honest conversations. Often times, people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue, and you say we’re just human beings. And all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’?”
And continued by explaining how it works for her in practice:
“Now, if you want to go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you want to sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not going to do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”
Related: STUDY: Cheaters More Likely To Get STDs Than Couples In Open Relationships
Thoughts? Feelings? Concerns?
Sweetie Pie
Monogamy is a myth…
robho3
And this story is on a gay news site why?
Bob LaBlah
@robho3: If you saw the HBO movie Bessie featuring Monique and Queen Latifah you would have realized in all of two seconds that BOTH are gay. It’s well worth seeing. I always thought that in the movie Precious the only person Monique was being was herself before she got “discovered”, shall we say. It was tense and she deserved the Oscar that she won but to me, I don’t think she was really “acting”. That was HER in every scene.
She is saying to the world that she dates women, her husband knows it, so mind your own business. She has no problem at all if he “sniffs/gets a wiff” of something and wants to try it. One has to learn to read between the lines. Male of female the first thing one things about at the mentioning of the word gay is a sexual act. Thats the way it was and still is.
KiraNerysRules
It’s a myth for people who have FOMO.
Brian
There is nothing wrong with having desire for another person outside of your marriage. However, it IS wrong if you physically interact with that other person.
My view is that if you wish to live a life of free-wheeling sexual encounters, don’t commit to anybody. Just do what you do but do not commit.
Brian
You also need to remember that lesbians will often marry men for financial security. They can easily do it because the attraction of financial security is enormous – it’s actually greater than a woman’s sex drive.
Another point to note: women do not need to be aroused to consent to sex. Even if a woman is totally unaroused, she can consent to sex. And she will often do it if that financial reward is the present she receives in return.
With men, it’s totally different. Men rarely, if ever, marry women for financial security. Secondly, a man must be aroused to have sex. He can’t fake it in the way a woman can.
Alistair Wiseman
When I woke up this morning, I lay there wondering, “I wonder what personal reflections Mo’Nique has on open relationships and monogamy?”.
Thank you, Queerty. Thank you for being there and givings us the answers to the burning questions of every, red-blooded American gay.
Bob LaBlah
@Brian………..” With men, it’s totally different. Men rarely, if ever, marry women for financial security. Secondly, a man must be aroused to have sex. He can’t fake it in the way a woman can.”
I think Brittany Spears’ ex was there for the money and saw down the road that all he had to do was get her pregnant and he was set for life. The same goes for Nick Cannon and Mariah Carrie; James Brolin and Barbara Streisand. None of those marriages look like love from the beginning.
zooby
@Bob LaBlah: It’s sad when women settle for douchebags and lower their standards just to have someone. I’ve seen way too many examples in real life. Better to be single than with bad company.
Glücklich
Mo’Nique nailed it in her final thought on the subject, echoing my husband’s and my reasoning behind our open marriage: if something or someone else adds to either of our happiness, why would we deprive the other of that?
Blackceo
I get where Mo’Nique is coming from. I am one that does not believe monogamy is natural; I just don’t. That is not to say there aren’t people who are 100% faithful, but for the most part I just think most people cheat. So while I have not given my fiancé a free pass to cheat per se, I told him that I don’t believe most men can be faithful and simply told him that if he stepped out to make sure he wrapped it up and that I don’t want to know about it and that he can’t fuck the same person more than once. No that’s not an open relationship. I still told him of my intentions to be monogamous and he stated his intention to do the same, but I don’t live in the land of fairy tales. Promises and intentions are all well and good in the moment but much more difficult to adhere to when the time comes to put them to the test. As they say, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
Kangol
I like how she’s keeping it real. This was what gay liberationists argued for, before we shifted into stifling homonormativity. Create and live the life that works for you, not someone else’s standard, especially if you aren’t raising children. Mo’Nique is more queer here than many gay conformists. More power to her and her man (men)!
alphacentauri
Meh eventually she’ll wind up divorced. Not everyone that’s LGBT wants or desires an open relationship or is OK with their partner cheating on them or sleeping with other people.
I have never met anyone that’s in an open relationship of any gender or sexuality that has not cheated on their partner, or wound up lying to their partner so they could cheat.
Brian
@Bob LaBlah: Well, those examples are valid but they tend to be exceptions. The exception doesn’t disprove the rule.
Realitycheck
It is a lot more complex then that, in a way Monique crude way to explain it sounds logical, but she does leave out lots of extremely important details.
In the end it always comes down too each person emotional needs, what works for Monique doesn’t necessarily work for some one else.
Some people starts monogamous and later on life they are unstoppable, while others do the opposite.
Some never change and some “like Monique says” cheat while others don’t.
But please let not paint every one in the same colors.
Bauhaus
@Glücklich:
“That’s when the relationship is real real.”
moldisdelicious
Honestly, I think that open relationships for gay people especially considering that relationships dont really have any guidelines to go by the most part arent good. Unfortunately, our culture teaches hypersexuality, impulsiveness, and not settling down. Even in open relationships, there has to be rules set to remind folks thar they are still in a relationship. A lot of folks think that open relationship means sleep and date whoever behind my partners back and not tell them who they’re messing with. It’s about allowing your partner to sleep with the next person with your knowledge and approval and trusting them to honor you and theirs relationship. It doesn’t mean to sleep around with whoever you want without your partner not knowing about who that person is and smutting yourself out. There needs to be some level of commitment there
Avery Alvarez
@alphacentauri: “Not everyone that’s LGBT wants or desires an open relationship or is OK with their partner cheating on them or sleeping with other people.”
Oh thank Jeebus. I thought I was the only one that thought monogamy isn’t that bad, or isn’t that unattainable. And that just because we’re gay, we don’t have to live the “oh so enlightened” relationship trope.
I don’t think monogamy is “heteronormative”. God, what an overused word.
Just like I don’t think open relationships are necessarily a gay thing.
Everybody, you do you, and stop trying to classify every behavior as gay or straight.
Avery Alvarez
*oh so enlightened open relationship trope*
Bauhaus
@alphacentauri:
“I have never met anyone that’s in an open relationship of any gender or sexuality that has not cheated on their partner, or wound up lying to their partner so they could cheat.”
Hmm. The exact same thing could be said about those in ‘monogamous’ relationships.
Captain Obvious
Why can’t Monique shut up about it? It’s not like anyone even cares who she’s with. She acts like she’s being hounded about it. I highly doubt anyone is beating down her down trying to have her lay on top of them.
She seems desperate as hell as an obese woman to be going on and on about an open marriage while with a guy who’s clearly in good shape. She’s basically Nikki Parker in real life.
If she felt secure in her marriage she’d be able to tell him point blank to keep his vows and not make excuses.
If you aren’t ready to be with ONE person then why do you need to get married? The whole point of marriage is to show your partner that you found the person you want to spend your life with. It’s not about an open door to spread your legs whenever your wandering eye sees someone prettier.
Glücklich
@Bauhaus:
Meant to reply with this hours ago but couldn’t YouTube on the plane.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoXvDleWJ5U
hotshot70
and just who would want this fat ugly thing?
Bauhaus
@Glücklich:
Mmm. Sexy.