TAKE IT OFF

More Male Nudity On Game Of Thrones, Please

khalYes, yes, breasts are all very well and good. But why is almost every naked body on Game of Thrones female, one actress wants to know.

Sibel Kekilli, who plays Shae, told reporters that she’s a little bummed out that there aren’t more naked men. We’d have to agree. What’s the deal?

Well, obviously, it’s because the show knows its audience. A fantasy show about swords and magic is probably going to have a pretty heterosexual male viewership.

But that’s no excuse for excluding penises! There are women and gay men in the audience as well. And for heaven’s sake, straight men can survive a glimpse of dick, so come on, HBO. Men are just as fun to objectify as women.

Kekilli wants to see some nude scenes with Varys (mehhhhhhhhh, that might not be the sexiest) and Jamie (okay) and Tyrion (we wouldn’t say no). That sounds fine, but Podrick’s on the top of our list. Oooooh, Podrick. And how about Sandor Clegaine? What a brute. We want to see him paraded through the streets of Sunspear, bound in chains and led by Quentyn Martell, glistening with sweat and fear. That is of course not a thing that will ever happen in a million years, but that can’t stop us from using our imagination.

It’s been many months since season three ended, and now we are kind of struggling to remember where everyone left off. Are there opportunities for sexy time? Recalling everyone’s place is a bit complicated, especially since (like Winnie the Pooh) it doesn’t quite line up with the books. They just uploaded a recap but it is half an hour long, good grief.

So let’s see. Spoilers ahead if you haven’t watched season three yet! No spoilers if you’re all caught up on the show.

Jon Snow just parted ways with Ygritte, and they might have a little sexy reunion at some point.

Jamie is back at King’s Landing, humbled and hardened, so he’s probably not going to be in the mood for any funny business.

Tyrion is married to Sansa. A nude scene between those two characters would not be totally awesome.

Grey Worm is eunich, which is a shame because va va va voom, that actor.

Tywin’s still thundering around King’s Landing. We’d totally peek through his keyhole.

Poor Reek is suffering under Ramsay’s thumb rather a lot lately. Maybe he’ll turn the tables and we’ll get to see Ramsay humiliated? Bloodplay is one of our hard limits, though.

And then there’s Gendry. His part in the adventure seems to have kind of wound down, with him just slipping off in a boat. There are relatively few reasons that we can think of for him to take his clothes off at this point, but who knows. As long as helms need forging, he’ll need to get all greasy and shirtless, because that is totally how smiths really work.

Oh and how about Loras? He doesn’t have anything to do at the moment but brood over his wedding to Cersei. Maybe a trip to a brothel would calm his nerves?

So there you have it. Lots of excuses to get men naked. Get to work, showrunners!