A particularly conscientious dude said he is “bicurious” and “mostly heteroflexible”… and concerned that he’s selfish for wanting to explore his sexuality with another guy.
“So I identify as mostly heteroflexible, but I’ve had the desire for years to hook up with another guy to see how it is. Basically oral and making out/foreplay only,” he wrote in a recent Reddit thread. “That said, even though I can express that on an app, I feel as though it’s selfish. I’m really only doing this to fulfill a sexual urge, and it feels thoughtless to a partner.”
Related: Bi-curious guy unsure how to proceed after girlfriend gives him permission to boink another dude
He went on: “So, I guess the general question is, if somebody directly suggests their desire is just to fool around (and, like, during the encounter, I’m going to put in my work to make my partner feel like a million dollars) and makes it clear that this is just for fun, is that morally okay? It just feels slightly rude and denigrating to whoever I hook up with that my only desire is to fuck around and fulfill a curiosity.”
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Happily for this conflicted fella, commenters assured him that, with proper communication, he should feel free to have some fun.
“You just described 80% of the app users in wanting just a hookup, lol,” one wrote. “And there will be plenty of guys interested in fulfilling a curiosity of a ‘straight’ guy. Go have fun but trust your gut on any potential red flags or aggressive behavior.”
Another wrote: “As long as you’re honest about your intentions and what you’re up for, and you maintain those boundaries, you are not responsible for the other person’s feelings, unless you become aware that the other person wants more from you.”
Related: 15% of the general population may now identify as heteroflexible, study finds
A third commenter shared the wisdom he learned from his high school theater class. “They taught us that as long as the audience enjoys the show, you did a good job,” he wrote. “I don’t think they need to know your motivations. Just don’t be an asshole, be upfront with what you are willing to do, and be communicative and interactive.”
Sounds like this guy is headed for a happy ending… or two!
Donston
I don’t have much of an issue when it comes to “bi-curious” or “hetero-flexible” guys. I understand the dimensions of sexuality and orientation and how complicated it all can be. I do however have an issue with the media being unwilling to genuinely confront what it means to be “straight” but be into sexual behaviors with guys. The media also doesn’t talk about how debilitating being obsessed with “straight”, “mostly straight”, “bi-curious men” can be. A lot of men don’t have healthy romantic or sexual lives and healthy esteems because they’re too obsessed with men who don’t have substantial and unabashed passions, affections, romantic interests, relationship ambitions towards them. For some men the obsession with “mostly straight” or simply non-homo guys triggers internalized homophobia, hetero pressures, gay resentment and homo inferiority complexes. There’s also almost no talk about men who are “mostly gay” but have “curiosities” towards women or just like hooking up with females sometimes. So, this conversation is almost always entirely from a hetero-normal and hetero worshiping perspective, which makes it problematic.
A lot of people (particularly men) don’t know how to healthily deal with regular homosexuality. So, of course, many don’t know how to healthily cope with fluidity, curiosities, dimensions and/or confusions. For a lot of males ego and sociological perception and social pressures get in the way. Don’t be out here manipulating people. Don’t be out here pretending that you’re really into someone when you’re only into their body parts or their wallets or just like hooking up with them sometimes or enjoy getting attention from them sometimes. Dudes need to stop filtering themselves through women and using women mainly for ego boosts, for babies, for sociological clout/comfort or to help shied their gay aspects, internalized homophobia and/or self-misandry. Stop using identities as more of a way to protect yourself or as a way to feel a part of some “community”. Be real with yourself and partners when it comes to your struggles and when it comes to where you actually are in the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship contentment spectrum.
These are all areas where a lot of “queer” males and some females miss the boat. Too many folks hide behind identities and/or behaviors instead of doing the real work.
thisisnotreal
@donston not gonna lie dude, a lot of times when I look for your replies on specific articles I’m usually hoping you make the points I wanted to make so I don’t have to, but I frequently find myself lost in trying to decipher what your comments are actually saying. I don’t consider myself an unintelligent human being, but I frequently have trouble trying to figure out what exactly the point your trying to make in your dissertations is. You tend to use the same run on lines of “ substantial and unabashed passions, affections, romantic interests, relationship ambitions” when the nit picker in me feels like you could just edit yourself and say dimensions or something similar so it doesn’t sound like your a college professor trying to make a topic or debate more complex than it needs to be. As for what you actually said (cuz I honestly can’t make it out) I’m just going to run with what I think you meant and say that for me personally I feel like human beings in general seem to like over complicating things or making them even more complex than they already are like when it comes to sexuality.
Call it a very unpopular opinion, but I feel like human sexuality is actually less complex than these newer generations try to make me believe but maybe that’s just me being stubborn and trying to hold onto my old fashioned black and white thinking. I hear the words bicurious and heteroflexible and I just think “ok cool your bisexual and just haven’t figured it out yet” I mean bicurious ok I’ll kinda give that to people (although I don’t personally understand how someone can be curious about hooking up with a different gender outside their normal preference without that meaning they are technically bisexual at their core cuz I’m a gay male and never had any curiousity about hooking up with a woman). That part I’ll admit confuses the hell out of me, I feel like I’m not understanding something that everyone else is when they say that bicurious isn’t the same as bisexual cuz to me in my mind if you have a sexual interest in men and women both or even a “curiousity” then to me that says you at least have some bisexual tendencies in you and then I get irritated cuz I feel like people throw the label bicurious or heteroflexible around, only to come to the same pit stop as bisexual without actually taking on and owning the bisexual label because it’s “too restricting” or something else. I do agree that gender and gender identity is complex and has many interwoven layers to it but I feel like the only person alive that believes that human sexuality isn’t as complex as everyone else says it is. Yes I believe sexuality exists on a scale and very few people are 100% one way, but when we get into labels like heteroflexible or bicurious or whatever the current trending ones are, I just get irritated and feel like people are coming up with new terms constantly instead of going back and polishing and redefining what exactly the old ones mean (which personally I would prefer) Idk I’m rambling but I’m always curious about your viewpoints on things (when I can manage to uderstand them) lol
Donston
I can’t speak for you, because although we respect each other, we have very different opinions on a variety of things. I definitely could look at things more simply. But that would not be doing justice to the genuine struggles and individual circumstances people have. Identity is driven not only by what you are but also by sociology, politics and ego. And that’s how it’s always been. People are not going to identify as something if it doesn’t make them feel good about themselves or it gives people the wrong impressions. While whatever identities you do or don’t embrace there will be social, political, sexual, relationship, etc, pressures on you. That’s especially the case in the age of social media. Fluidity is a real experience for quite a few people. The gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum is real. A lot of people are facing internal battles as far as confusion, identity, mental health, being out and understanding who they are and what they want. A lot of people don’t want to play by the “old rules”. And they don’t really have to. All of this needs to be respected. I don’t like every trend, and I am vocal about that, but I’ve had to make certain adjustments in my way thinking and communicating. If you’re not making those adjustments then you fall behind on the times and you miss out on genuinely understanding people, helping people and helping yourself.
thisisnotreal
Ok donston then I’m curious what your answer to this is then. Everyone who’s lgbt knows that homosexuality isn’t a choice and we don’t wake up one day and decide to be sexually or romantically attracted to our same gender. We also agree that things like conversion therapy or praying the gay away don’t work and sexuality doesn’t function like a switch you can turn from A to B. And everyone who’s lgbt probably also agrees that sexuality exists on a spectrum and very few if any people are 100% one way or the other. So please explain to me (not being facetious cuz I genuinely don’t know the answer) how our community can believe and preach that our sexualities do not get to be chosen and that they can’t be cured, but then we also preach that sexuality is fluid and changes over time? Am I not making a connection here? Cuz I genuinely do not understand how we can all defend our sexualities against the world at large by claiming that we didn’t choose to be this way and people can’t “cure” us, but then we will turn around and try to teach people outside the lgbt community that sexuality is fluid and ever changing and evolving? How does that not deliberately contradict the belief some people have that we CAN change our sexuality or Wait for it to evolve back into heterosexuality again to make them happy?
Donston
Well, fluidity is real. I have experienced it firsthand. I was completely inherently homosexual around five years ago. Now, I’m inherently pan-sexual. I can’t say what I’ll be inherently five years from now. But that doesn’t suddenly mean I’m an “ex gay” or that I still don’t have substantial passions, desires, romantic feelings, emotional longing, relationship preferences towards my sex. Many people have talked about once being heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual and how that changed over time. Some guys become less “gay” as they get older. Some become more gay. Some experience changing feelings or attractions day-to-day or week-to-week or year-to-year. Fluidity is real, but it’s something people experience very differently from each other, and it’s definitely not something everybody experiences. Unfortunately, this is being used by some to promote homosexual denial, internalized homophobia, homo insecurity, gay shame, straight/hetero/hetero-leaning worship and promote hetero pressures. But because it’s politically inconvenient and often problematic doesn’t mean it’s not a reality for some.
Furthermore, you’re focused on the wrong things. Looking to validate your identity and looking to defend your identities or lifestyle or who you want to date/love should not be the primary focus. In fact, these things really shouldn’t be a focus at all. Even if someone thinks being “gay” is a “choice” who care? If it is a “choice” then it’s just as valid as any other choice. And if someone is completely homosexual on a romantic and sexual level but they choose to stay closeted or choose not to live a “gay lifestyle” then that is their choice. We all have circumstances that we don’t have any control over, but we all also have choices and decisions within those circumstances.
This is why I place less emphasis on identity. Mental health is more important. Understanding the realities of fluidity is more important. Understanding the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum is more important. Promoting honesty and promoting that people unabashedly love who they really want to love and be with who they really want to be with is more important. Being so obsessed with what to call yourself or what others call you is more of a sociological and ego thing. Identity politics can be helpful, but it also gets in the way of a lot of things.
thisisnotreal
@donston, that was probably the most insightful, articulate, thought provoking thing I’ve ever come across on this site from you, kudos to you my good man, you gave me some things to think about and I respect that.
Donston
That means a decent amount coming from you. I don’t post here to show my intellect or to push agenda or to be bitchy. I am looking to give people genuine insight and help folks. I like to directly talk about the nuances and uncomfortable issues that most “queer media” and most people in general do not honestly investigate. And I feel that I have enough experience and education to do so.
Gary Q VV
Be careful not to spike your plans with visions of lolly-pops yet end up with hook-ups of dangerous ghouls at your door.
rocib43925
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Cam
Hetero-flexible.
Just another term for people that want to participate in Bi-erasure and enshrine the closet. If the guy is “MOSTLY” heterosexual, he isn’t going to be wanting to run around and cheat on whatever woman he’s with.
Just a B.S. label to help people stay closeted. Stop doing the right wing bigots job for them.
Donston
With every post you come off more and more basic, ignorant, bitter and judgmental. And of course, you have to make everything about politics.
djmcgamester
I don’t think you need to put your personal issues here. The guy isn’t comfortable with that term. It’s not like Queerty labelled him that way. It’s what he calls himself. Let’s put this another way. I’m probably 95% gay. Maybe more. Never did more than mess around a little with women though I’m curious to do more. Don’t know that I’d call myself bi. It would need more exploration before I can decide. Also not sure I could go through it if another guy was in the picture – and I have a really hot, straight buddy who might go for it. Would YOU label me gay given all that? Or would you just assume I’m looking for an experience?
Cam
@Donston
Except all you can do is name call and not point out a single thing that was wrong in my post. Nice try.
Cam
@djmcgamester
What he wants to label himself…you mean the way closet cases label themselves as “Straight”? I hear all of these people complaining about labels, but isn’t it funny that none of them complain about a label when it contains the word “Hetero” in it.
Translation, let the closet cases erase bisexuals from existence or claim to be heterosexual as they complain about not being attracted to their wives and only want to sleep with men. (eye roll)
djmcgamester
If you’re single then there’s no reason no to go ahead. If it’s a hookup app just say you looking for NSA.