My Son’s Many Walks

How many walks does your son have?  Because my gender creative son has four walks not including his normal everyday walk, which he refers to as his boring walk.  He’s named all of his walks.  Naturally.

He keeps his four non-boring walks in his arsenal for use pretty regularly throughout the day depending on the location, occasion and audience. He has also been known to do a hybrid of two or three walks if the mood strikes.

Let me explain.photo 3

There’s his Fashion Walk which is pretty much straight from the runways. He gets a real serious face and tries to walk by putting one foot directly in front of the other or crossed over the other if at all possible. His eyes look straight ahead. He erases his usual smile in favor of a serious pout and then sucks in his cheeks. Usually he puts his right hand on his right hip and swings his left hand dramatically.  Think angry hungry stomping model.

His Fashion Walk is most often used inside of a mall and has been spotted in JC Penny, Forever 21, Nordstrom and Target.

photo 2When he is doing his Sassy Diva Walk, his rump sticks out a little more than usual and at least one of his wrists hangs limp from the elbow that is kept tightly at his side. Sassy Diva Walk steps are either very short and quick or long fast strides.  For some reason, this walk requires him to look left and right a lot as if he’s looking for someone he knows, although I’m pretty sure that when you’re doing the Sassy Diva Walk you wouldn’t wave to a friend if you saw him/her because you’re too busy being a sassy diva.  Think Beyonce as “Sasha Fierce.”

This walk is best suited for busy places with a fast pace full of people with things to do. It has been utilized at the local art fair, the end-of-the-school-year carnival and, again, Target. It got the most use on our recent Carnival cruise.

The Rock Star Walk is a little out of control and inconsistent. Which I guess is fitting given the name.  It usually has big sloppy steps that swing a little wide to the sides. His head can bob from side to side or up and down dramatically.  His arms flail and do all sorts of made up hand signs that I assume he uses to convey that he’s a glittery unpredictable badass who has seen some things in his short life.  Think Avril Lavigne meets Pink.

The Rock Star Walk is the most “masculine” of my son’s walks. I’ve seen it used around his brother’s friends, at Dave and Busters, amusement parks and Target (yes, we go there a lot and it is welcoming of all of my son’s walks).

photo 1

I saved his Ballerina Walk for last because it looks to be the most painful. Because he doesn’t have pointe shoes, he curls his toes under his feet and hops up on top of them. He then walks gracefully and painfully with his head held high, shoulders back and arms out to the sides. His lips are sucked inside his mouth, which I believe is because he’s trying to hold in yelps of pain.  Think Natalie Portman in Black Swan.

This walk can only be safely done on carpet. Which means that few have ever witnessed it.  That is for the best because those who have seen it have had to look away as they imagine how much it would hurt them to walk that way.

His normal walk is just his natural gait and carries him to school and other boring places like the grocery store and Home Depot. And that’s fine because I use my normal, boring walk there too.