How slutty is too slutty, or is there any such thing? That’s the question journalist Jeff Leavell grappled with after reading an op-ed by British writer Dylan Jones, where he learned, in no uncertain terms, that he was a “world-class slut.”
In the piece, Jones reckons he’s slept with at least 400 men; a number Leavell finds to be surprisingly low. As the Vice writer notes, Jones’ piece was widely aggregated and inspired a deluge of negative comments, largely accusations of low self-esteem and even mental problems.
Related: Are You a Sex Addict or a Garden Variety Tramp?
“As if one’s worth lowers with each dick or ass you take,” Leavell writes, before revealing that he feels lucky for having had lots of sex:
How about we take this to the next level?
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Sleeping with 400 men means sleeping with 40 each year for ten years. My husband Alex and I probably fucked 40 guys over the course of our five week honeymoon in Europe.
I had my first three-way when I was 14, with two neighborhood boys. I’ve been having sex regularly since I was 16. I have been having sex for 32 years—32 times 40 makes 1,280. And that’s a low estimate. The real number of men I’ve slept with, as far as I can figure, is somewhere between that and 3,500.
From the “Stories That Check Out” Department: Leavell believes blowing a stranger in a toilet can be as “mind-blowing” as any other sexual romp:
Sex is transcendental and beautiful, even if that stranger pushes you away, zips up, and leaves. Even if you never see your partner again. Sometimes, especially if you never see them again.
He spent his young adulthood cruising Central Park and later Griffin Park for sex, inspired by John Rechy’s classic gay novel Numbers, which he calls “a veritable cruising bible.”
Related: Five Ways To Reclaim Your Sex Life After Booze, Meth And Other Substances
He writes: “I know that what I searched for, beyond sex, was friendship, and a way to be intimate with another, even if just a precious few seconds.”
Like many men with a similarly open attitude about sex, he admits he’s been called a “sex addict,” but feels no shame for his actions.
“Sex has retained meaning to me,” he says. “With some guys, it still feels magical, like something truly important is happening.”
When you break it down, his logic is tough to argue with. At the end of the day, he wants to share that feeling with as many people as he can — while he still can:
Related: Study Finds That When It Comes To Sex, Your Best Days Are Still Ahead Of You
We are broken beings living in a harsh world. Why shouldn’t we be good to one another? Why shouldn’t we fuck, support, cherish, and love one another? I want as many people to love and be loved in turn as possible in this world. I sincerely want my husband to fall in love and fuck as much as he can in this lifetime, and I want the same for our boyfriend, too. I want it for every guy I make love to, now and in the future…
You can read the piece in its entirety here.
bottom250
Sweethearts we were made for sex. I love having men inside of me and feeling their testosterone and aggressiveness. It is super sexy and feels amazing.
ChuckF
I’ve had a good run and played with around 4,000 men and I see nothing wrong with that. We all knew what we were doing and being affectionate with another man is healthy. I can’t think of anything worse than keeping those urges bottled up for my lifetime or thinking for a minute that being a slut is bad. Men are hunters by nature; we’ve just grown up with rules and attitudes devised by churches to keep their flocks in check. I can say on good authority that breaking those rules and indulging my needs made my life far saner.
bottom250
@ChuckF: That was so well said, sweetheart.
redcarpet30
I read about guys who get high numbers and I feel guilty I haven’t had more sex. I just don’t see how you get up to 400 let alone 4000. It sounds exhausting.
bottom250
@redcarpet30: Honey when the urge hits you and there are so many men out there ready and willing it is pretty easy. So many tops so little time.
Jakey
@redcarpet30: It’s easy. Just drop your standards and watch the numbers fly by.
AtticusBennett
if i were the type that “didn’t hook-up”, i wouldn’t know a great number of the gay people i love most in my life.
The Gay Handshake – it’s awesome. a male-male system where we’re not afraid of expressions of our shared sexuality can lead to tremendously satisfying, and indeed emotionally-bonding, connections and friendships and ongoing relationships.
Billy Budd
I was extremely promiscuous in the period between 1999-2009 and I don’t regret a single act of wild sex I had. It was awesome. I have wonderful memories of the period. Regret and sin are for losers and fanatics.
Mkiel
@ChuckF: Well said Totally agree I love sex & enjoy it with all types of guys.
robho3
As a 50+ year old certified slut I can tell you the older you get the less fun it is. I grew up in a time when being slutty in the gay community was the norm. Years later having had the plethora of STD’s and of course becoming HIV POZ I tell you it’s not that great but at this point I don’t know how to stop and wish I could. I know this comes from some sort of low self esteem and I have gone to dozens of therapists over the years to try to help. So now I sit her at 52 alone feeling like the only thing I’m good for is Anon sex with strangers and a drawer full of pills that I have to take for my HIV. I wish my life could be different but seriously doubt if I can change. So my advice to all you young guys that think being slutty is so great— give me a call in 20 years and I’m sure your outlook will be different. (If your even still alive).
ErikO
@robho3: Well said. There’s more to life than sex and hooking up but these idiots here don’t realise this.
tomk1of1
We need to celebrate responsible sex more! I don’t have a clue how many times I’ve hit the hay with another. But I was almost never unhappy I did. And I never did when I didn’t want to,except,maybe a couple of times with a spouse when I maybe might have passed because I was tired. But I never turned down a spouse,unless I simple couldn’t.
Humans do not go into a rut or have seasonal heat. We are blessed with always having the ability to have sex and queers have never defined sex as just intercourse only,we have celebrated all kinds of sex and sexual play. I remember talking to a good Str8 friend about his date and he said it was ok,but we didn’t have sex. Then he proceeded to tell me about the great BJ he got! I said …well you know what I said!!! Lol
Anyway,..I don’t mind being called a slut,even with what it connotes. But one day we must invent a word that describes those of us who love,love,love sex and engage whenever safe and responsible as something other than a works that doesn’t just infer,but blatantly is derogatory. Something like….cumbucket maybe..lol…oh right that’s been used,, maybe something with a more celebrated feeling and sound to it.
Suggestions???
He BGB
Many people who are slutty were molested at a young age I always heard. Seems to have proven true from the people I have known in my life. And robho3, don’t be so hard on yourself.
tomk1of1
I understand. I’m in a similar boat. But this is not the fault of sex. It is the fault of a society that only values youth,sweetheart. If I could have the amount of ex I use to and still be the age I am I would it two shakes. I miss being pursued and cruised,I do. But my best sex was always with a spouse or lover.
I’m alone today…But I don’t plan on staying that way, and I hope my sex life will not be less enjoyable even though it is certainly lass frequent. I was lucky. I was attracted to all ages. I was never a person to shy away from older men. If fact I loved a daddy. I hope it holds true for me,even though I’ll always have the heart of a boy. Lol. It is just who I am…xoxo
Mykey
@redcarpet30: Exhausting for a top, yes, for a bottom, you just have to take it, maybe clean for the next customer if you may…
Mykey
@He BGB: True! I’ve always heard of gay men abused/raped at 10-13, growing up as sluts and with daddy issues!
andrewl
Interesting article but the responses are fascinating. I was a bit of a slut for many years when I was younger and on the whole had a lot of fun. Though one always tends to remember the good but if I am honest along with the good/great sex there was some very less than mediocre experiences. For me, at 40 I really wanted a long term boyfriend. I was starting to age and unless you are genetically blessed as you get older you lose appeal. Anyway of course I do not believe in slut shaming at all, as long as you are enjoying it and it is safe, consensual and sane go forth and f@ck. However, keep in mind that you are not 20 or 30 something forever.
Brian
Well, men have very high and constant sex drives, so having lots of sex – if you can find it – is completely normal. This is why men spend so much time “hunting” for sex. Think of what motivates most of you to go out and meet people.
The difference between men who seek sex with men and those who seek sex with women is that the male-male paradigm is not curtailed in the way the male-female one is. Let me explain.
Women act as “guardians” of male sexuality, controlling it in many and subtle ways. A man has to approach a woman and then obtain her permission to have sex. Her consent is not automatic – he has to win her over, romance her, bribe her. Then there is the annoyance of the possibility of getting her pregnant.
When a man meets another man for sex, there is an immediacy that needs no bribes. And there is no pregnancy worry, either.
As for slut, if you’re a slut, be honest about it. Don’t hide behind lies and distortions. A slut is a slut is a slut.
Dave Downunder
@robho3: Thank you for your honest comments. Yours is a side of the story most people choose not to tell and therefore not often discussed or acknowledged in the gay community.
Brian
@robho3: You know, you make a good point about the downside of promiscuity.
Unfortunately, the gay scene is built for the now. It’s about having fun and not worrying about tomorrow. Everybody thinks they are invincible.
At 52 you are still youngish. As long as you are not confined to a wheelchair, it’s there to be enjoyed. Life is much bigger than the gay scene. Travel if you can. Go on a cruise. Do things you would normally not do.
Here is my advice about the gay scene: it can be fun but it can also be narrow. Maybe find a female friend whose input into your life will give you new and different angles.
Ricky
It’s concerning that there is a lack of talk about STDs in the article and in the comments. The word “condom” isn’t even mentioned once.
Paco
@Ricky: well, when one is trying to glamorize being a ‘world-class slut’, mentioning the STIs and the prevention of them isn’t very glamorous.
Mike
All I know is when I turned 40 (after spending my 20’s chasing a performance career, and my 30’s transitioning careers) my thought was ” Wait! I haven’t had nearly enough sex”…. Now I look around at guys my age and think “nope”
trelin
As I have entered my 30’s, I feel this overwhelming feeling that I need to experience as much intimacy as possible. Perhaps I’m warped, but I see how fast time is going, and I’m petrified of getting to a point in my life where I wish I could have done more and experience regret. But am I really regretting anything?
Life is weird. Filled with twists and turns, and most are our internal struggle to become content with time that quickly passes by.
mastik8
Thousands have tried, none were ever allowed to fail.
Stache
I remember reading all of John Rechy’s books before I even hit the gay life. This was late 80’s as I recall. Numbers was great. I thought being a park slut was what all gay man did. Great time to explore as it was the end of an era that still resembled Rechy’s books.
Stache
@trelin: Slut or a virgin. Life moves the same. I wish I could go back to my twenties though when time was forever. I’m starting to understand the old people complaint of time going to fast.
Stache
@robho3: I don’t know you but your problems sound like you’re going after the wrong kinds of guys. Maybe too young?
Anonymous sex is fine sometimes but if it’s all that then something is most definitely wrong. It’s like Chinese food. An hour later you’re hungry again. Like Atticus said. Sex should also be a form of connecting and just doing it to get off gets old really quick.
Stache
@robho3: I don’t mean to knock you though. I think when you’re looking for hooking up the majority of guys and easiest to get are the sluts playing the numbers. Prelubed and ready to go. Appropriate guys for us are out there but not as easy to get.
DDstar1me
@Stache …You make some really insightful points. I’m a beautiful chubby boy and sometimes it’s hard to find big boy sex. But, I am happy with the sexual partners I’ve had in the past. However, it sometimes gets lonely when your often an acquired taste. For me, I think it helps to keep me safe and allows me to make good safe decisions when it comes to the men I sleep with. Still, it would be fun to be desired like a sex pot when your everyone’s type. I often wonder what it’s like to be everyone’s type?
Anyway, everyone’s made some excellent points. I’ve made mental notes. One day I hope to enjoy the type of sex that allows for a deeper connection with a partner.