Sometimes, with misconceptions about us gays, the calls are coming from inside the house!
In a recent Reddit thread, a user named u/Puzzleheaded-Day3302 asked about common myths about us gays from us gays.
“We all know that straight people believe some weird stuff about us,” he wrote. “I’d be rich if I counted all the times I’ve been asked who’s the woman. But what are some things that even gay guys tend to falsely believe about being gay?”
You’d think that we’d all know by now that there’s no one way to be gay, that our particular stripe of the rainbow has a spectrum of identities within. But it seems we’re not above stereotyping fellow gays as masculine tops or feminine bottoms who are urbane urbanites incapable of monogamy, life over 30, and life without iced coffee!
How about we take this to the next level?
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Here are some of the self-inflicted myths Redditors mentioned:
“That we have better taste or are more ‘cultured’ than straight people. Nope, I have trash taste in most measures.”
“You are either feminine or masculine. No in between.”
“Your sex position determines your gender expression. If you’re a top, you must be masculine and ‘manly.’ If you’re a bottom, you must be feminine and sissy. Some even have this belief to the extent that it decides your duties or responsibilities in a committed relationship. That’s so frustrating.”
“That your life is over at 30.”
“That straight men will fall in love with you eventually the more you hook up with them.”
“Your sexual position in bed and your personality are the same thing.”
Related: Redditors name what the straights will never understand about the gay experience
“That if you distance yourself from ‘the gay culture,’ you have internalized homophobia. No bitch, I’m just too f*cking nerd and introverted to enjoy some of that stuff.”
“That ‘versatile’ doesn’t actually exist.”
“That everyone likes anal sex, group sex, or polyamory.”
“That tops and bottoms are different species.”
“That gay men everywhere drink iced coffee, when American gays are actually on their own with that.”
“You’re gay because of something in your childhood—you didn’t have a father or he wasn’t a strong father, etc. Typical psychologist idiocy.”
“Gay men can’t be monogamous.”
“Apparently we all have to move to a gayborhood. No, thank you, I’m very comfortable where I currently am.”
“That we all want to be metropolitans.”
“That we’re hornier or talk about sex more than straight men.”
“That we have good taste in clothes. That statement is not true, if anything my fashion sense sucks.”
Related: What’s the origin of the ‘well-dressed, articulate, educated gay man’ stereotype?
“Being ‘masc’ is internalized homophobia.”
“That we all like mimosas and ‘brunch,’ whatever the f*ck that is. (I’m much more of an ale and steak-and-kidney pudding type, really.)”
“That two tops can’t have a long-term relationship.”
“‘Just the tip.’ Come on.”
bachy
One myth I’ve come to see upended is the idea that gay men are more wild, experimental and…er, pervy than straight men. I find it’s quite the reverse.
Gay male sexuality is actually more restrained, inhibited and limited than that of straight men. I’ve come to believe that homosexuality is not the opposite of heterosexuality, but should instead be considered a small subset of heterosexuality.
We resort to grandiose binaries only to accommodate small minds.
Caelestius
A subset of heterosexuality? Yowzer. No human’s identity, needs, desires or potentials are a subset of another. Queer folk occupy one segment of a continuum–our expressions of sex, love, commitment, fun or intimacy are full-on integrities, worthy of independent regard. We are our own reason for living, as Goethe said and Magnus Hirschfeld reasserted. Speaking of whom, why are gay men, with a fabulous history of intellectual curiosity, scientific literacy and critical theory, resorting to a random assortment of bitchy comments from Reddit to assess our social sense of self and clear up inaccurate perceptions–amongst ourselves or anyone else? When did social media become a safe, logical place for inviting a community to bare its heart and soul? Queerty, give us more credit and raise your own expectations of community media!
Vince
“That your life is over at 30.”
You mean 40. I’ve never heard anyone say that. It’s not like 30 is that far from most young adults.
Brian-E
I agree with you, but I’m sorry to say that I didn’t when I was in my early twenties.
My partner and I, both about 22 at that time, registered with an organization which paired gay couples together for socializing. On our form we decided to be incredibly open-minded and said we were prepared to meet other couples up to the age of … (gasp) … 32! But that was just to be politically correct and we were really hoping for people in their early twenties. I know, ridiculous, but that was our attitude at the time.
still_onthemark
@Brian-E: That attitude seems reasonable to me. When I was 22 I regarded 30-somethings as intimidating. And that’s hardly the same thing as thinking ‘your life is over at 30.’
Ken A.
One myth that is really based on truth but not so much now. When gays greet each other they squeeze each other’s crotches. That was true before the 2000s I think. And some guys, the obnoxious ones, asked me how come I didn’t feel them up, isn’t that how greet people. I just said they watch too many movies.
gjg64
I was around plenty before the 2000s and no one I knew ever squeezed my crotch as a greeting!
Den
What world do you live in? I don’t think that is anybody’s stereotype. Never heard of it , never did it, and I came out in the early 70’s.
inbama
@Ken A.
Where exactly do you live? I’ve got to see this in action.
Brian-E
I came out in the 1980s. I would have loved to greet other gay guys like that, but no, we really didn’t.
MajorTom
I encountered this a few times in the 80s, mostly among men who were already older at the time (40s and up). Not at all common, but apparently done among a subset of gay men.
Huron132
Lol, grabbing the crotch. That’s a good one! I think I missed that in Gay 101.
Harley
I’m over 60 and my gay life has been over for years. As a single gay man most men my age want younger guys and younger guys going for men my age are looking for an easy paycheck. Yea. I checked out long ago.
RomanHans
I remarried at 60 and I know a lot of 60+ gay men who’d love a partner. Give up if you want but know it’s your choice.
Doug
“That straight men will fall in love with you eventually the more you hook up with them.”
??? I’ve never heard this one before…
inbama
That you can tell how well a guy is hung by checking out his nose or his feet or the difference between his middle and ring fingers.
Leo
Came out in 53 and never heard or seen this in all my lifetime. Must be a British thing.
amandayorke36
we are what we are being trans more married men hit on me now x
JJinAus
Gay men have more sex than straight men, unless they’re a rock star. That’s true.
inbama
Gay composer and diarist Ned Rorem died last week at age 89 (how did you miss that one Queerty?).
Now, he was quite good-looking, so his claim to have had sex with 3000 men may have been possible.
Beanie16
Without any true numbers and knowing both worlds, confession time …I have had straight male friends, I had a little affair with one and he told me what straight men back then went through just to get a date. I think it’s just a different kind of environment. The only places I knew to meet men were gay bars, bath houses or on the streets. I came out in July of 80 when I was 18 and it was like a candy store now I have both a sweet tooth and ADHD so you know I was like a bunny and doin it nearly every day whereas my bestie was lucky to get it once or twice a month and he was a cutie picture Tye Sheridan from the movie The Tender Bar.