With “Lost Classics,” Queerty veers beyond what sometimes feels like an obsessive fixation with Nick Jonas, James Franco, Zac Efron, and other pop personalities to write about gay songs, films, performers, and artifacts you may have overlooked, never been exposed to, or are perhaps ready to revisit. This week: “If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up),” performed by Vanity 6, written by Prince, and so camp it’s positively life-affirming.
A man’s life can be neatly divided into two parts: The empty, listless existence he had before hearing “If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up)” and the satisfied, totally self-actualized life he’ll lead after hearing “If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up.)”
Nothing we say or do can ultimately prepare you for the moment you first hear these lyrics: “If I wasn’t a lady, I’d take my money…And buy U a brand new face… Then I’d take my underwear and stick it in your mouth…And U’d love it cuz U got no taste.”
So have your “Nasty Girl.” Keep your goddamn “Sex Shooter.” For us, the ultimate Vanity 6 song is the this funky, hallucinogenically ludicrous diss track that inexplicably casts Morris Day as “the other woman,” Vanity as a jilted lover, and Brenda Bennett as… hard to say what Brenda is doing, except owning the song. Everyone sounds so high, you’re bound to get sympathetic nasal drip while listening.
Why we don’t hear this every time we go out, we don’t know. Let’s fix that. (Beats “Show Me Love”.)
This is one Prince-penned song that mustn’t be lost to obscurity. Please help.