stormy waters

My new boyfriend wants me to cancel the gay cruise I booked when I was single… but I don’t want to

A gay couple argue
Posed by models (Photo: Shutterstock)

A dilemma posted to Reddit has prompted a couple of hundred responses, and opinions vary widely.

The user posted to the popular subreddit, AskGayBrosOver30. The forum allows people to seek advice from older gay guys.

Like so many people, the user says that his vacation plans were seriously put on hold because of the pandemic. A new boyfriend now wants him to cancel a booking he made at the end of 2020.

“Way back in 10/2020 my roommate and I booked a gay sailing cruise for Bora Bora in April 2021,” @blackc2004 explains. “The cost of the cruise + flights was nearly $5,000. It’s a small sailing catamaran with 12 gay guys on it. At the time I was single AF.”

“Come April 2021, the borders are still closed so the sailing date got moved to April 2022…”

“Well the cruise is coming up and I now have a BF of about 3 months. We got into an argument tonight over me going on the cruise. It’s non-refundable at this point and I also don’t want to cancel on my roommate.”

“He’s upset thinking that I’ll hookup with people or find someone ‘better’ than him. Etc. I COMPLETELY understand where he’s coming from but I honestly am not sure what I should be doing?”

“Any suggestions on this situation? Should I cancel (and piss off my roommate + lose $5,000), go and tell him to just get over it or something else?”

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Many of the responders were split between two camps: those who thought the boyfriend was being unreasonable and those who thought he had every right to be concerned about the trip.

“When I met my boyfriend he knew I was going to go away for 9 MONTHS a year later,” said one man. “He was jealous sure but would never have asked me not, and if he did I would have anyway because it was booked before we were together. That was 17 years ago and we’re married now so I didn’t run away with someone else. You should definitely go.”

Some thought the new boyfriend self-centered.

“It’s been three months and it’s a trip you booked FOREVER ago–there’s a lot to unpack here, but ultimately, it’s just selfish and a little shitty to ask you to cancel it. I get that he has concerns and you should reassure him and talk to him about those, but an ultimatum like this–especially only three months in–is not healthy.”

“You only live once, take the trip!” urged another user. “If he’s like this in three months what if you have to travel for work for a week or travel without him at some point. I made the mistake of letting an ex ‘clip’ my wings, don’t let them stop you from flying.”

Others voiced some sympathy for the new boyfriend.

“I reckon it depends on how much you care about him. Three months into a relationship it’s actually a veeeery short time, and everybody knows why these “gay things” exist. After all, you said it yourself, you were single AF, hence you booked it hoping to meet someone. If I were your bf, I would have the same reaction probably.”

That view was echoed by another.

“​​It’s a gay cruise you booked when you were single, if it’s the type of thing I am thinking of, they are kinda sex-focused. It’s a bit different than just going away on a normal holiday with a mate or a business trip, I imagine a decent part of your motivation when you booked it was hooking up with guys? That’s not to say that it’s what you would do now, but it’s important to note.

“Trust takes time to build. If you choose to go, the messaging to your boyfriend is that this holiday, and your roommate is more important to you than him.”

The original poster says was unprepared for all the responses. He added some points of clarification.

“It def is not a ‘gay sex cruise’. It’s a small boat with 10 other guys. (12 total with me and the roommate). This trip is over $5,000 per person and the type of guys who can afford it are in their 60’s. The Instagram for this company posts pictures and there is NEVER anyone in the pictures who is my ‘type’. My roommate and I will probably be the youngest guys there by far.”

“I’m going because I love sailing and Bora Bora has been a bucket list item for me. It’s not that I’m going there with the intention of hooking up/etc. If this was an Atlantis cruise, it would be totally different and I would cancel without question!”

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In the response section, he also said, “I am happy and committed to the BF and I have explained to him that I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize our relationship but at the same time, $5k is a lot of money, Bora Bora is an amazing bucket list. I’ve asked my roommate to try and find another friend I can sell my ticket to. But honestly, I think I would be resentful of my bf if I have to cancel this trip because he’s jealous about it.”

Queerty has reached out to the original poster to see if he’s made a decision yet.