A dilemma posted to Reddit has prompted a couple of hundred responses, and opinions vary widely.
The user posted to the popular subreddit, AskGayBrosOver30. The forum allows people to seek advice from older gay guys.
Like so many people, the user says that his vacation plans were seriously put on hold because of the pandemic. A new boyfriend now wants him to cancel a booking he made at the end of 2020.
“Way back in 10/2020 my roommate and I booked a gay sailing cruise for Bora Bora in April 2021,” @blackc2004 explains. “The cost of the cruise + flights was nearly $5,000. It’s a small sailing catamaran with 12 gay guys on it. At the time I was single AF.”
“Come April 2021, the borders are still closed so the sailing date got moved to April 2022…”
“Well the cruise is coming up and I now have a BF of about 3 months. We got into an argument tonight over me going on the cruise. It’s non-refundable at this point and I also don’t want to cancel on my roommate.”
“He’s upset thinking that I’ll hookup with people or find someone ‘better’ than him. Etc. I COMPLETELY understand where he’s coming from but I honestly am not sure what I should be doing?”
“Any suggestions on this situation? Should I cancel (and piss off my roommate + lose $5,000), go and tell him to just get over it or something else?”
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Many of the responders were split between two camps: those who thought the boyfriend was being unreasonable and those who thought he had every right to be concerned about the trip.
“When I met my boyfriend he knew I was going to go away for 9 MONTHS a year later,” said one man. “He was jealous sure but would never have asked me not, and if he did I would have anyway because it was booked before we were together. That was 17 years ago and we’re married now so I didn’t run away with someone else. You should definitely go.”
Some thought the new boyfriend self-centered.
“It’s been three months and it’s a trip you booked FOREVER ago–there’s a lot to unpack here, but ultimately, it’s just selfish and a little shitty to ask you to cancel it. I get that he has concerns and you should reassure him and talk to him about those, but an ultimatum like this–especially only three months in–is not healthy.”
“You only live once, take the trip!” urged another user. “If he’s like this in three months what if you have to travel for work for a week or travel without him at some point. I made the mistake of letting an ex ‘clip’ my wings, don’t let them stop you from flying.”
Others voiced some sympathy for the new boyfriend.
“I reckon it depends on how much you care about him. Three months into a relationship it’s actually a veeeery short time, and everybody knows why these “gay things” exist. After all, you said it yourself, you were single AF, hence you booked it hoping to meet someone. If I were your bf, I would have the same reaction probably.”
That view was echoed by another.
“It’s a gay cruise you booked when you were single, if it’s the type of thing I am thinking of, they are kinda sex-focused. It’s a bit different than just going away on a normal holiday with a mate or a business trip, I imagine a decent part of your motivation when you booked it was hooking up with guys? That’s not to say that it’s what you would do now, but it’s important to note.
“Trust takes time to build. If you choose to go, the messaging to your boyfriend is that this holiday, and your roommate is more important to you than him.”
The original poster says was unprepared for all the responses. He added some points of clarification.
“It def is not a ‘gay sex cruise’. It’s a small boat with 10 other guys. (12 total with me and the roommate). This trip is over $5,000 per person and the type of guys who can afford it are in their 60’s. The Instagram for this company posts pictures and there is NEVER anyone in the pictures who is my ‘type’. My roommate and I will probably be the youngest guys there by far.”
“I’m going because I love sailing and Bora Bora has been a bucket list item for me. It’s not that I’m going there with the intention of hooking up/etc. If this was an Atlantis cruise, it would be totally different and I would cancel without question!”
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In the response section, he also said, “I am happy and committed to the BF and I have explained to him that I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize our relationship but at the same time, $5k is a lot of money, Bora Bora is an amazing bucket list. I’ve asked my roommate to try and find another friend I can sell my ticket to. But honestly, I think I would be resentful of my bf if I have to cancel this trip because he’s jealous about it.”
Queerty has reached out to the original poster to see if he’s made a decision yet.
graphicjack
Unless the new bf is willing to fork out the $5K himself, he needs to accept this was a trip the guy had planned before he met him, and get over his own insecurities. If he’s this controlling after three months, he’s going to get even worse later. People who expect you to dump your friends and possessively control your life are not going to be a good potential partner for you. I say take the trip and if he dumps you, you saved yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches down the road. You’ll be hurt now, but you’ll save yourself hurt in the future.
Robert Bradley
EXACTLY!
G-Man
I agree if the boyfriend of 3 months is that insecure now it’s only going to get worse. Take the cruise and have a great time.
James Hart
“He’s upset thinking that I’ll hookup with people or find someone ‘better’ than him. Etc. I COMPLETELY understand where he’s coming from but I honestly am not sure what I should be doing?”
Everyone knows that gays are habitually unfaithful to their boyfriends or husbands (sad, but true). That is one of the main personality flaws of male homosexuals. That being said: My lesbian friends say that infidelity is now a big problem in the lesbian community, too.
Ryan99
Agree.
If he wants to pay you $5K not to go, then you can cancel. Otherwise, you go.
DarkZephyr
Seems like this cruise is going to be the end of their relationship, one way or the other. Either way, somebody is going to end up resenting somebody.
M K
Have your roommate swap out for behalf of the boyfriend going in their place.
ondaboat0069
It’s probably too late to do a swap and some cruises will not allow it. And it’s unfair to asks this if his roommate who is probably just as excited as you are
barkomatic
The fact that after 3 months the boyfriend is asking him to eat 5k demonstrates how insecure he is. It’s a guarantee he’ll find other things to be insecure about until this guy basically has to ask permission to leave his house unescorted.
I’d definitely go.
Essie
I wouldn’t even think about this. A cruise to Bora Bora? Are you kidding me? He has waited for this thing for 18 months and a three-month boyfriend wants him to cancel? That’s ridiculous. Go and have fun. If you come back to an EX-boyfriend, OH WELL!!
Prowelsh56
Just be adults and just both walk away.
Leo
I notice in his original post he never said he would not fool around or hook up. Funny that he thinks his BF is jealous but at the same time he will not dispel the BF’s concerns. Lose a few nights of wanton sex or a possible lifetime relationship.
BigJohnSF
Interesting that you see a $5000 catamaran trip to Bora Bora as “a few nights of wanton sex.”
marcose1994
Why not a lifetime partner and a few nights of wanton sex. After about a year or two the three ways will start, or the breakup, but c’mon people, let’s wake up to reality.
Mack
If I read this correctly, the only guy that’s his age is his roommate all the rest are older guys in their 60’s. So do you really think it’s going to be a sex-fest? I’m sure the older guys will drool over the younger but not everyone goes on a cruise for sex.
marcose1994
Good Lord. Are you kidding me? 2022 and we still have these antiquated views of monogamy. What a joke! No offense meant, but let’s be real. That’s all I have to say. Take the trip. Tell your new squeeze that he doesn’t own you or your body and not even after 10 years of marriage will he own you. Read my latest book and it will give you all the answers. “Hard Journey of the Heart: Jessy’s Story.” Enjoy your trip and may you have tons of anonymous sex before returning to your confinement.
mateo
Exactly. With a divorce rate of 50%, who in their right minds would want to use straight marriages as a model for same-sex marriages? Let’s invent our OWN rules.
whateverokok
Antiquated? There is nothing antiquated about monogamy. It’s your views that are destroying things and leading an over 50% divorce rate. It’s called keeping it in your pants. You don’t have to have sex all the time. What an f-ed up bunch of people and way of thinking.
stan2015
Then he should have the new boyfriend pay him $5,000 not to go. Since I doubt this will happen then both of you need to figure out the future together
Dymension
Nope, nope. I’d go on the cruise.
KyleMichelSullivan
Boyfriend should grow up. If he can’t handle his new guys going on a long-planned trip, then he isn’t boyfriend material; he’s a dom after a sub. If that’s not what you’re into, buh-bye…
pierced3xs
A lot of good thoughts from others. Some of it really good and should be weighed. But here are my thoughts and maybe this will help open a different level dialogue with the bf. To me the cornerstone of any successful relationship is compromise. So, lets say you ask him what it is he is willing to compromise if you were to cancel this trip. What would he give up for you? Is there anything in a 90 day old relationship that he could possibly offer that would make up for the loss of a once in a lifetime opportunity? Probably not. Dont have any regrets. EVER! If he leaves you after offering a compromise and he brings nothing to the table then it was a tenuous relationship and wasnt meant to be.
dinard38
Man, you’re overthinking it. I would simply tell him to kiss my ass cuz I’m going. If that’s a problem for him, oh well!!
More to the point is that I’d probably break it off with him, because this is giving me a huge red flag.
Brad J
Take it from someone who has been there. This is not about the trip, not about the number of men on board, not about their ages, and not even about you. It’s about your new bf’s feelings of insecurity. Your relationship is still pretty new…and as someone else said trust can take time to develop; but the part about him thinking you might ‘finding someone better’ speaks volumes…your new bf has low self-esteem, but he sounds like he’s shifting this onto you by making it something you’ll do…not his insecurity…and asking you to compensate for that.
If you really care about him enough that you don’t just want to end things (and forfeiting your trip really shouldn’t be on the table) – ask him why he thinks you’d cheat on him and why he feels he’s not just as good as anyone else you *might* meet on your trip. Ask him why he might feel he’d not be ‘enough’ for you to stay from straying. You’re likely going to deal with this over and over and over where your bf will ask you to compromise something you wish to do to compensate for his insecurity. I’ve been there, done that – it changes nothing. The issue that needs to be addressed is his insecurity and self-esteem. You can choose to approach this in a kind and compassionate way (because it might not be easy for him to articulate) or you can choose to go and let the chips fall where they might…or you could end the relationship…..you do have a lot of options – but if he is worth it to you – try at least once to have this conversation with him. I guarantee it’s not about you, it’s his own insecurities. He may try to say ‘if you cared about me you’d do this for me’…don’t give in to guilt. If you didn’t care for him, you’d probably already have given him the boot. Good luck!
whateverokok
It isn’t about him though. It’s about the fact that this is a singles cruise and the dude is no longer single. It would be the same as going out by oneself to a gay bar when you’re not single. Dude needs to eat his money or end it. Plain and simple. His boyfriend is not being unreasonable in the least.
Brad J
I don’t want to mock you, but….if someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat…be it on a cruise, in a bar (or picking someone up in a bar), trolling online hookup sites, etc., etc., etc. There’s no more chance of it happening than not just because it’s a ‘gay’ cruise or a ‘gay’ bar….
I used to go to gay bars by myself when in a relationship. Why? Because a friend would want to meet for a drink, or they had karaoke, or they had a pool table and I liked to play, or it was just more comfortable being in a ‘gay’ environment…there are literally dozens (if not more) reasons to go to a gay bar even if you’re with someone – just like there are for them not going – expecting a person to give up everything and everyone they like is, to me, smothering them…keeping them on a leash. I don’t advocate cheating…I got cheated on and it hurt….but you cannot stop someone from doing it – they will find a way if that’s what they want to do, and no amount of ‘insisting’ they do or don’t do this or that is going to change it. They will find a way.
I do agree that with gay males there DOES appear to be a greater tendency to ‘cheat’, but it’s not limited to just certain activities or environments. And while I would never presume to know everything about everyone – in many, many cases if you worry about someone cheating on you…you either have low-self esteem and don’t feel worthy of someone being faithful to you – or you already see red flags in that person and perhaps should re-evaluate your choice to date that person if monogamy is what you are interested in. I have been on both sides of this issue – the person worried (in much younger days) about it happening (and it did)…and with someone who took this kind of insecurity and jealousy to a new high level….who I never had even a fleeting thought of straying on….I have been in a relationship that had some ‘open’ aspects to it, but mostly ones that did not. At this point in my life I prefer does not, but that’s just me. I have been with men that I had ZERO concerns about monogamy, and with men that strayed…you can ask for someone to be faithful – you can’t make them…not by insisting, not by trying to curtail their activities, not by spying on them….looking at their phone and stalking them online and testing them by posing as a potential hookup (I’ve never done any of those things) but you cannot make them not cheat if they are going to cheat. You have to make your own choices….and your own decisions what you do about them.
dakine747
Bringing a boyfriend on a gay cruise is like taking sand to the beach.
Ed R.
Remind your boyfriend that you don’t have to go on a cruise if you are going to hook up..
TheDefiler
Doesn’t presage well in the long-term for the guy asking or any other in the universe — teaches the new BF it’s an effective tactic to hold partners hostage over BF’s own feelings in order to get his way. It’s enabling & not adult-behavior
roddy
You’ll LOVE Bora-Bora! GO!
humble charlie
I don’t understand monotony. I mean monogomy. I’d go. He’ll still be there when you come back. Just work on a bunch of pretty things to tell him about how none of them compared to him. Do a lot of phone sex with him while you’re on the trip (Just tell the other guy, who’s next to you in the bunk, not too make too many slurping noises or groans). If he’s primarily a top, he’ll understand. If he’s primarily a bottom, he won’t. There. You’re problem is solved.
humble charlie
YOUR problem is solved. Sorry about the spelling error.
Of course if he’s rich, I wouldn’t go.
Baldmedic64
The issue here is whether there is trust in this new relationship. 3 months in, I define as the “honeymoon phase”
Personally, I would go. (maybe explore the possibility of taking my new partner along, but it sounds like that may be impossible).
If my new partner is feeling so fragile in this situation, I would already doubt the validity of moving forward.
If you decide not to go… I’ll step in! I could do ith a fantastic, once in a lifetime holiday that I would easily rank above a 3 month relationship with someone who already doesn’t trust me.
JonQAverage
Ask the roommate to sell his ticket to your new bf.
iminheatlikeacat
What the hell? If you had paid over 5000 dollars to go on a cruise that had been delayed and you had been looking forward to for two years, would YOU just give your ticket away to your roommates boyfriend of THREE MONTHS because he was throwing a tantrum? I wouldn’t.
Marsh Parker
So here’s how this boils down for me.
Stop trashing the new BF, the posters here are unfailingly anti-monogamy, hardly a representative population, and ALL about our incessant need for instant gratification. As a group we’re not good with restraint and self control.
This has nothing to do with “control” and everything to do with trust.
If he and the BF have an exclusive relationship, its a valid point of contention. “Exclusive” meaning you take down your grindr profile, get tested, stop hooking up with other guys and be as safe as you choose to be with each other.
If they have not had the “exclusive” talk, this might be a bone he can throw him, or build on. At 3 months, that’s a tough talk to have.
One of the most important issues between couples is how they resolve conflict. If the BF is more invested than him, cut him loose, you’re clearly looking for different things, and he deserves honesty at a minimum
If you feel like this has a future you want to explore together, I’d skip the cruise. There’s always time for a cruise together. 5k is a small sacrifice for your potential happiness.
Prax07
Couldn’t pay me enough to get on a small boat with ten old geezers to go to Bora Bora. I don’t see the appeal of any of it.
Godabed
these first world problem during a pandemic. go on your trip if you want to. if the boyfriend isn’t going to pay for the cancellation then he need to get secure with his relationship real quick or move along.
Consider This
This could end up a very sticky situation in more ways than one…
Me2
It’s only been 3 months! The boyfriend out of line asking him to cancel. If the writer starts to acquiesce into unreasonable demands now, when will it end. Don’t build a new connection on unrealistic expectations.
Doug
I would definitely go. They’ve only been together for three months? If his new bf is already insecure that he’s going to hook up with guys despite all the reassurance he’s given him, this might be a sign that he’s not much of a keeper in the first place.
Inspector 57
Okay, so Guy cancels trip of a lifetime to placate new BF. Then…
Three weeks later, Guy’s boss wants to send him to Miami for four days on important biz. BF will be stuck at his own job. BF pouts and says to Guy, “If you really love me, you’d quit that job.” So Guy quits job, but not before scoring two tix to Broadway Bares. BF insists that Guy destroy tix so that Guy won’t be at an event surrounded by other gay men. Guy destroys tix, puts on coat to walk to the local grocery, and…
Well, the pouting/capitulating cycle never ends.
Marsh Parker
Unsupervised trip to bora bora for 5k vs going to work every day. Brilliant analogy.
LunaSol2010
Jealousy
Boundaries
Dreams
Trust
Communication
If that is not good enough, change the locks before your trip and free yourself from any blame, guilt, shame.
This is not about you.
It is about him and trust.
If you agree to monogamy and he fears you will violate that trust it is his fear and not yours.
Plenty of people cruise without sex. I do! And because my bf rarely works … his lose and my dreams are not up for discussion.
I know he has sex with others. We know the difference between sex and love.
I trust him to love me.
I trust him to be himself.
So trust me, if he doesn’t know you, ok. Bye bye. See you later, or not. Trust yourself and your value to have travel dreams that are worth travel! Trust yourself.
mecmass
Good grief! He’s been your boyfriend for only 3 months and he’s using emotional blackmail to tell you what you can and cannot do? If he has no trust in you and is trying to control you now , then maybe his fears are well-founded. There probably *are* better fish in the sea for you. And maybe one of them will be on your fabulous-sounding cruise. Go for it and have a great time.
gaym50ish
My advice? Do what he’s afraid of — find someone better! This guy’s a loser.
Preppy1000
Oh take the trip! Your new bf is being a controlling jerk! Tell him to get over it. If he doesn’t–dump him. You deserve better.
Cam
They need to figure out if they trust each other. The Boyfriend could just as easily cheat on the guy while that guy is away on the cruise, and if he’s angry he might.
Have a talk, figure things out, promise him you won’t cheat. If he doesn’t believe you, then it sounds like the relationship isn’t starting on a good foundation, and if he is unwilling to give trust, he may not be the most trustworthy person to date.
Man About Town
Did he really say “At the time I was single AF”?
BaltoSteve
It’s pretty clear the BF has Trust and self-esteem issues which he should definitely unpack with a therapist, if he isn’t already. The most telling is the “You will find someone better.” If that doesn’t scream self-esteem issues, I don’t know what does. And all those crowing about how flighty the LGBTQ community is, let us not forget that even prior to gay marriage, one of the top reasons for divorce was infidelity. Regardless of the population, Homosexual; Heterosexual; or Other) you will have folks who will Cheat. It’s a given.
As far as the cruise. The OP should go.
Brad J
Thank you! That part was the biggest red flag about self-esteem issues to me as well….’you’ll find someone better’…..that kind of insecurity can be painful and debilitating in emotional connections….and it won’t just stop with this one ‘demand’….there will always be others…..
radiooutmike
This bf needs a check.
Three months in, and he wants the OP to forgo a non-refundable $5k cruise? Nope. The bf is terribly insecure.
Seth
If he loves his new boyfriend then canceling the trip would be no problem, at all, and if he does not then he should break up with him and go.
Anyone arguing that $5000 is so much that it’s worth losing someone you love deserves to be alone.
Mamesboy
I had planned a trip with two friends who were like brothers. I met a guy and chose not to go on vacation. We then broke up soon after. The next year I had a vacation planned with 3 good friends ( diff friends)
I started dating a great guy about 3 weeks before the trip. This time I did NOT cancel.
I had a great trip. My new boyfriend rented a limo to take me to the airport. Sent me flowers while I was away. And met me at the airport when I returned. We just celebrated 31 years. Go on vacation. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If he doesn’t now he may never trust you.
Bob Voyage