New Life Church Knows What Boys Like, Guys Want

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When Pastor Christopher Beard stepped down from Ted Haggard‘s former stomping ground, the Colorado Springs based New Life Church, associate pastor and potential king Rob Brendle said “there will be increased scrutiny of our church in the wake of the scandal”. We took that not as a statement of fact, but as a directive.

Thus, we found ourselves poking around the Evangelical church’s website and came across a section for kids. We knew there’d be something good in there, but little did we know we’d find Weird and Gross Bible Stuff, a book we think should be entitled, Queer Bible Shit. Seriously, that cover screams gay erotic art. Who the fuck is that? Daniel? Whoever it is, he looks like he’s about to get a mouthful…of locust, of course.

As if that’s not enough, read the accompanying description:

DO NOT OPEN THIS BOOK if you don’t have the stomach for the bizarre and absolute gross. It’s only for boys with an appetite for learning about weird-even grotesque-facts in the Bible. Only a real boy could appreciate it and want to tell about it.

It’s action and adventure straight from the pages of the Bible! As part of the 2:52 Soul Gear? collection these high-energy, fast-paced stories will encourage boys in their quest to be smarter, stronger, deeper, and cooler as they develop into young men of God.

This reads like the back of a fucking porn! Or, at the very least, some gay pulp novel. New Life Church may be the gayest place ever!

But, what of the women? Don’t worry, they get their place in the church’s bibliographical canon…

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While the New Lifers pump a little excitement into their boys only queerish tour of the Bible, they put on their frilliest frock for the females with this, Girlz Want To Know! It’s, like, totally hip and cool. These bad ass bitches don’t need things like proper spelling. No way! They snub their noses at that archaic ‘s’ and charge into the rebellious world of illiteracy with that super radical ‘z’.

Even the description’s snappy:

Filled will real questions that were asked by real girls, author Susie Shellenberger takes a casual approach to touchy topics that young girls often wonder about by writing in the style of a big sister that says, “I’ve been there. Here’s what I’ve learned.”

For great advice on some of the most basic to the most personal questions young girls ask concerning their family, friends, faith, changing bodies, the future, and boys, check out Girlz Want to Know!

Notice there’s no mention of improvement, encouragement or even God? It’s just cold, hard facts for these girls. Sorry, girlz.

But, of course, we wouldn’t really expect much more from The New Lifers. Women really have one purpose: to act as a beard. Maybe they can hook up with the kids over at Love In Action – they’ve got loads in common.