New Xbox Feature: Penis Detector

Isn’t technology wonderful? Microsoft’s latest time-saving device is taking all the hard work out of scrutinizing your friends for a flash of their genitals.

Behold: a video that Microsoft Research released last month to show off the features of the Xbox One’s upgraded Kinect. The improved resolution appears to be quite good at detecting tumescent lumps in one’s clothing.

xbox penisNow, it’s a little hard to make out. And it’s possible that it might just be a fold in the denim of a guy’s jeans. But let’s just go ahead and assume that we’re looking at a penis, because that’s what we assume all the time about everything. And it wouldn’t be the first time that “aw, no guys, it’s just a crease in my pants” has been used as an excuse for accidentally giving everyone a view of the shape of one’s junk.

There’s been some online chatter that this is the same technology that airport security uses to see you naked, which, lol, no it is not. And it’s also worth pointing out that this particular view probably won’t appear in most games — in general, they’ll probably render players as bubbly cartoon characters, just as with the previous version of the Kinect. But that doesn’t change the fact that a computer in your living room is staring at your dick.

And let’s not forget how eager Microsoft is to share your private data with the government without telling you. It’s pretty clear what’s really going on here: the culmination of Obama’s secret plan to amass a giant database of the outline of every American’s penis.

Frankly, we’re all for this. In fact, let’s just cut to the chase and start playing everything naked.