New Xbox Feature: Penis Detector

Isn’t technology wonderful? Microsoft’s latest time-saving device is taking all the hard work out of scrutinizing your friends for a flash of their genitals.

Behold: a video that Microsoft Research released last month to show off the features of the Xbox One’s upgraded Kinect. The improved resolution appears to be quite good at detecting tumescent lumps in one’s clothing.

xbox penisNow, it’s a little hard to make out. And it’s possible that it might just be a fold in the denim of a guy’s jeans. But let’s just go ahead and assume that we’re looking at a penis, because that’s what we assume all the time about everything. And it wouldn’t be the first time that “aw, no guys, it’s just a crease in my pants” has been used as an excuse for accidentally giving everyone a view of the shape of one’s junk.

There’s been some online chatter that this is the same technology that airport security uses to see you naked, which, lol, no it is not. And it’s also worth pointing out that this particular view probably won’t appear in most games — in general, they’ll probably render players as bubbly cartoon characters, just as with the previous version of the Kinect. But that doesn’t change the fact that a computer in your living room is staring at your dick.

And let’s not forget how eager Microsoft is to share your private data with the government without telling you. It’s pretty clear what’s really going on here: the culmination of Obama’s secret plan to amass a giant database of the outline of every American’s penis.

Frankly, we’re all for this. In fact, let’s just cut to the chase and start playing everything naked.

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  • Sammy Schlipshit

    How ridiculous.

    Look, I am as much interested as the next homo in seeing a penis but there is nothing in that video to even resemble a fold in his pants much less a penis.

    You are digging to hard, boys.

    What I wish I had was that infrared camera from a few years ago where one could see anybodies bits. They were on the market for a while before the company (Sony?) changed them so the nekkid feature was lost.

  • hyhybt

    On the last sentence: To each his own, but there are a lot of people I, for one, prefer not to see naked.

  • jimstoic

    @Sammy Schlipshit: I’m with you. I saw nothing remotely phallic in the expected area.

  • Rockery

    Q…. are you punking us? It worked, there was no indication of a penis there at all, please change it from “it’s a little hard to make out” to “it’s nearly impossible to see anything”

  • hotshot70

    if they ever make a game that features full male nudity (and possibly doing things with it), then I will buy the system.

  • boring

    @hotshot70: Grand Theft Auto’s The Lost and the Damned expansion pack had full frontal male nudity. That was released in 2009, where have you been?

  • DistingueTraces

    Now this is just mean.

    Queerty is trolling us all into squinting at that grainy black and white image until we see something that can be interpreted as the outline of a penis, or until we get a migraine, whichever happens first.

  • Spike

    Classic Dumb Queerty Post . . .just plain dumb. Nothing remotely gives any indication of just junk.

Comments are closed.