Now For What Really Matters: Which Republican Candidate Has The Sexiest Son?

In case you were in danger of forgetting how undecided voters make their decision during this very emotional Republican primary season, refer back to the September 2004 Zogby/Williams Identity poll, in which 57 percent said they’d rather have a beer with George W. Bush than John Kerry.

How can you say you’d want to have a beer with a man when he doesn’t even drink alcohol? You’re going to have an O’Doul’s with him? Oh boy!

Perhaps a better way to determine who’s a worthier candidate is just to see who has the hottest son. Considering that we  already care if our president is a certain height and that his body is in a certain shape, shouldn’t it matter if he’s got the sexy gene as well?

In honor of the New Hampshire primary today, we took a look at the sons of the Republican presidential nominees and gauged their hotness. It’s not a complete list—some scions are under age; others, like Herman Cain’s son, Vincent, have remained too deep in the shadows for us to find a decent photo. And poor Newt Gingrich only has two daughters (from the first wife he cheated on), so he can’t be considered a contender in this little beauty contest. But the prolific loins of Santorum, Paul, Perry, Romney and even Huntsman (whose son, Will, is in the photo above) have produced some serious studs.

We might not be able to stop these men as they bash us all the way to November but by objectifying them and their progeny, we can take a little air out of their balloons.

Click through for a slideshow of some of the GOP nominees’ sons that a less respectful writer might refer to as, ahem, “extremely bangable.”

Image via Jon Huntsman

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  • Freddie

    Was I the only one absolutely unimpressed by the Huntsman boys? Lucas Bachmann on the other hand… I’d like to steal him from right under the Beard-in-Chief’s crazy eyes!

  • steve sydney

    The 2nd from the right of the Romney clan for sure..

    surely one of those 5 boys must be a friend of Dorothy..

  • Chad

    The Romney son 2nd from right def. sets off the gaydar. Lucas Bachmann is the cutest, now. But will he look like mother, Marcus Bachmann, when he gets older?

  • Obama2012

    Wow. A friend, with whom I have had ‘robust dscussions’ over gay rights sent me this link, her point clearly being that gay men are over sexed gorillas with no sense of propriety. And I agree, in so far as whoever wrote this is a self sabotaging over-sexed gorilla with no sense of timing or propriety. And lets be honest, if this same article however tongue-in-cheek, was written up by a straight website on the candidates daughters the backlash would be swift and brutal. You may get away with it because this gutter website will never make its way into the mainstream. But for those who stumble upon it as I did you have succeeded in reinforcing the lustful uncontrollable gay male stereotypes!

    Also, if you are going to churn out steaming piles please sharpen your wit. It may have been a little more palatable if I had actually laughed.

  • Dallas David

    Hmmm . . . Let’s see what the VP nominee has to offer . . .

  • Mark

    Stupid article and only compounds what the right wing says that gay men are obsessed …. dumb.

  • Orpheus Lost

    @Obama2012: So you have homophobic friends who point you to gay sites they just happen to stumble across to back up their bigoted views. Good.

    Then you, being the enlightened Obama supporter you are, have to rush over to tell us dirty fags how to behave in public so we don’t continue to embarrass you. Better.

    And, of course, you don’t bother to mention all the comments made about the Bush daughters being hot or Megan McCain’s similar press when their fathers ran for office. Nope, it’s all about the “self sabotaging over-sexed gorilla with no sense of timing or propriety” homos. Best!

    Have you ever thought of running for higher office? With your heightened sense of indignation and easy use of double standards to suit your purpose, you would definitely fit in with that crowd.

  • orbit5

    @Obama2012: Another misinformed conservative, gorillas are the least sexed of the primate population. Ever watch a discovery documentary? Chimpanzees are the about the most sexed of the primates. Proof being in the size of the testes, the gorilla has the smallest sac goodies compared to his ape cousins, but check out the size of the balls on his monkey cousins. Gorillas do not mate unless necessary, but chimpanzees are opportunistic, sneaky and breed all the time – – kind of like the closest relative of the monkey with tails or big balls – the republican political candidate, the sneaky toe-tappers.

  • christopher di spirito

    This reminds me of the silly queens in Massachusetts who said planned on voting for Republican Scott Brown to fill the late Ted Kennedy’s US Senate seat because they found him “hawt.”

    Nevermind that Brown is anti-marriage equality, all that mattered was they wanted to fuck him.

    Not exactly the smartest way to elect any lawmaker or president, for that matter.

  • disco lives

    Geez Queerty, I haven’t laughed so hard since the guys from SNL’s “Waynes World” joked about how ugly Chelsea Clinton is.

    And I’m sure any of those creepy Romney sons will someday carry on the 3-generation family tradition of losing presidential elections.

  • the crustybastard

    I have no problem with people sexually ogling the guys (and occasional ladies) featured in Morning Goods, or even entertainers who flaunt their sexuality, because they have essentially made themselves available for that purpose.

    However, Mr. Brown, sexually ogling people whose relatives are running for public office doesn’t lend credibility to your claim to be a “radical liberal” — it makes you come off like a sex predator.

    Other people don’t exist to make your dicks hard, and it’s vile and uncouth to assume they do.

    Grow up.

  • Didaskalos

    Griffin Perry: OWL SCOWL.

  • Ashton

    I’m sorry but I found this post unnecessary, sophophomoric and offensive? Now for what really matters, which republican candidate has the it test son?”. Really, that’s what really matters? To whom, to a chronic masturbator with no sense of responsibility and social morals? Masturbate to Porn, and with your partner/s and please respect the fact that what really matters about this election is that we need to keep a gay positive leader in the white house and not any of these disgusting examples of human beings whether they have hot sons or not, you fucking idiot. Tongue in chek or not, this article fucking sucked. Shamed on you.

  • Didaskalos

    Harrison Bachman is groovy, takes me right back to the 1970’s. None of these can hold a candle to Pat Shrivernegger tho.

  • Cinesnatch

    Lacking any wit, as Obama2012 pointed out, this article was a big waste of time that caters to the lowest common denominator and perpetuates the ugly stereotypes about us. I haven’t read Gawker lately, but Queerty seems to be a much, much paler imitation. I wish there was a Queerty button that said “Less Please.”

  • Mike in Asheville

    Who the fuck cares? Every linked ad on Queerty features men who are hot and sexy and GAY!

    Compare that to every ugly-to-the-bone child of this bunch of homophobic “all prison dads are better than any lesbo mom” “reinstate DADT because America needs straight men to run the military” “all fags are dog fucking pedophiles” “Oh, I’d love a gay son as much as my straight sons — well except I don’t want the gay ones to enjoy marriage” “gay marriage leads to the end of the World” fucktards.

    All I see in the pictures are junior homophobic asshole children of homophobic asshole fathers. Wouldn’t touch any of them.

  • Phil in UK

    Mitt Romney’s sons are the five Tracy boys from “Thunderbirds” aren’t they?

    You just have to work out which is which. Oh and I guess where the next “International Rescue” mission might be for the Father who would be President.

  • lizcivious

    Come on, lighten up! This female Bonobo would take Lucas Bachmann, but I’d have to have him deprogrammed stat. Crazy Eyes’ poor daughters are the image of Marcus. The rest of them are pretty blah. Romney’s boys (except for the freak blond one) are handsome but in a real sterile sort of way. We can only wonder what Santorum’s dead fetus would look like now.

  • Zee

    Their right wing repulsiveness overrides whatever “hotness” might be presen and frankly none of them are all that hot.

  • Bryan

    Huntsman boys look really good. Romney’s boys look like Stepford Sons, though the one on the left isn’t bad. And the son above in Ron Paul’s picture actually looks like a hot older man, not bad.

  • randy

    @Cinesnatch: Yeah? So what? At least 95% of the websites that exist are a complete waste of time and there are millions of pages that cater to the lowest common denominator.

    The difference that at least we gays are up front and honest about it, and can have a good laugh at it. The straight people merely pretend it doesn’t exist.

    I’ll take honesty over hypocracy any day.

  • Esculapio Mitiríades Torquemada de la Cueva

    You’d have thought Romney would have produced better-looking sons. Meanwhile, against all odds, something pretty cute actually managed to emerge from the Bachmann gene pool: Lucas.

    The dark-haired Huntsman’s the nicest-looking one, though.

  • Aiden

    None of them.

  • Esculapio Mitiríades Torquemada de la Cueva

    @Obama2012: So you, as a gay person, have friends who believe gay men are over-sexed gorillas with no sense of propriety, and who tells you so? And rather than use one of your “robust” discussions to talk some sense into her, you come over here and berate Queerty because you’ve think they’ve somehow proven her point? You, my friend, might just have a hangup or two about being gay.

    Plus, of course, one very shitty friend.

  • The kid.

    That’s our gays! Next weeks topic: Hottest serial killer with cannibal tendencies.

  • TMikel

    They all appear to be as vapid and insincere as their parents. Who needs to see GOP candidates sons, in carefully posed photos. This was a non story.

  • Ed

    Romney’s boys could keep me busy trying to decide.


    It is fairly well accepted that the more boys a family has the greater chance the younger ones will be Gay………..I hope if one of Santorums kids turns out Gay he becomes a highly vocal advocate for Gay rights…………….Talk about Gay karma at its best!

  • Bill

    What a bunch of disgusting,whimpering, BITCHES you have here! It’s easier to add comments when I’m a member? You fools are your own worst enemies. Most of you aren’t GAY.You’re ASSHOLES! That should spark an intelligent ‘debate’.Bye,Bye!

  • Esculapio Mitiríades Torquemada de la Cueva

    @Bill: What are you going on about, exactly?

  • Gorbeh

    The faces Harrison Bachmann makes during that video interview (where Lucas talks) shows how much he wants to be there! I’d definitely say he bats for our team but maybe 50% of my confidence in that statement is because he is crazy gorgeous.

    And whoever mentioned it earlier, Schwarzenegger’s son Pat fits in that crazy gorgeous category too.

  • Shnugi

    Interesting that you mention Huntsman biological daughters but ignore his adopted ones… who are in the picture.

  • mrbrodybrown

    @Ashton: wait, I’m a chronic masturbator? and I have no sense of responsibility or morals? I’m sorry that you failed to find the humor in it. but thanks for reading, pumpkin! now off i go to masturbate again…I wish i could stop. please pray for me xx

  • Chuck

    Tagg is a fox. But they really need to think about that Nancy Reagan Stare thing, it looks a little cray cray.

  • Zack

    I’m going with the Huntsmans. even the adopted kids are cute

  • Tim

    The only one fuckable one is the Romney on the far left.

  • The Artist

    This is all very fun banter, but this is the year to vote and continue the vision! The next four years will be serious shit. It is one of the defining moments in our counties history. Talk to your neighbors, friends and family and VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! Be a part of a new generation of power! Continue the path of change. PEACELUVNBWILDYALL!

  • beerwad

    Ugh, not a single one of those inbred Romney spawn are even remotely fuckable. Nor the Santorums. I can’t really tell which is the legal one, but… ugh, no.

  • TJ Parker

    This is like asking for the skinniest kid at fat camp. I think I’d need a couple bourbons before I could answer this properly.

  • Joetx

    @Cinesnatch: +1

    I don’t care if this post was done tongue-in-cheek – I have a feeling that it is partly serious – but it remains in poor taste.

Comments are closed.