Alcohol, Aliens, and Assteroids Collide on Last Night’s Drag Race!

Comparing RuPaul’s Drag Race to The A-List: New York is like comparing the Garden of Eden to a tire burning yard. Drag Race combines all the best elements of every reality show competition you’ve ever seen—the costume making of Project Runway, the backstabbery of Big Brother, the freaky fun mini-games of Fear Factor, plus a splash of shade, glitter, and of course Absolut vodka (makers of gay adulthood). The A-List on the other hand, has a bunch of dull, jobless queens drinking and trying to bang each other. In my humble but accurate opinion Drag Race is the antithesis, nay, the antidote to such vapid and uncreative living.

If you remember, last week had the queens competing in an unexpected Christmas runway show that ended with Venus and Shangela using a skirt as a weapon during “lip-synch for your life” to avoid elimination. Always regal Ru-Paul disapproved saying that she expects her girls to outshine, not outgun one another. Anyway, now Venus has returned to her home planet, leaving the other dragster to continue racing on Earth.

9:02 PM: Venus’s lipstick message on the mirror reads, “Don’t be shady, be a lady” which is weird considering she basically fought Shangela while lip-syching for their lives. But Shangela isn’t having the happy pow-wow “now what?” discussion from the other competitors. She was on the bottom two last week and so she’s ready to cut a sister, if need be.

9:03 PM: Ru-Paul’s first e-mail comes in and she says to “set a corset for warp-speed” because these queens will be jetting off into some hypersexual drag future. But first, she has the girls test their ESP by seeing if they can guess what drag items their teammates have on. In short, almost everyone guesses wrong, except for one contestant who correctly identifies that his teammate is stroking a big black pussy.

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9:07 PM – The girls will shoot a trailer for the fake sci-fi saga, Drag Queens In Outer Space (From Earth to Uranus and the sequel, Return to Uranus). Phoenix and Mariah pick out their crews while incredibly the hot “pit crew” stands in the background in purple underwear doing absolutely nothing but turning on viewers. The roles include Booberella, Hermaphroditus, Tweaker the space she-monkey, and sexy robot twins. Forget a gay character! Star Trek should have been included all this along if it wanted us to watch.

9:13 PM – It’s funny how it’s OK to show tits on LOGO as long as they’re fake. Mimi Imfirst has a theater background and she’s obviously hamming it up as Hermaphroditus, much to the annoyance of her teammates. One of the hero’s lines is, “Prepare to gag on my eleganza!” Sounds very tasteful… like Shakespeare on crank.

9:17 PM – While the girls shave and make-up, Mimi is all about drama. She wonders aloud why Phoenix picked her last to be on his team. Maybe Phoenix picked Mimi last because Phoenix is threatened by her, which means that Phoenix secretly thinks that Mimi’s talented. Or maybe he picked her last because he doesn’t think that she’s talented. Or maybe Phoenix picked Mimi last, because Mimi’s a drama queen and annoying as balls.

9:21 PM – Commercial – Your kids won’t taste the lead of you put it in their OJ sippy cups. Tell the police the cup was made in China. Thank you.

9:23 PM – During their on-stage rehearsal, Phoenix wears an incredible silver cone bra but while his costume rocks, his performance is not nearly as awesome. He says his lines with all the passion of a stick shift. Luckily, Raja the comes on the set with Tweaker the space monkey speaking chimp-gibberish in a pink furry get up and a lace unitard that really shows off his banana! Homosapien, better peel that fruit back!

9:30 PM – Commercial: Key West adervtises its homo friendliness with actual gay and lesbian couples affectionately nuzzling one another (imagine that). It makes me realize just how rarely the commercials during The A-List actually featured other gay couples. And the HIV advertising is much more prevalent during Drag Race. Could it be that the white demographic for The A-List was actually much more regressive and heteronormative than this show? (Hint: yes).

9:32 PM – Ru-Paul comes on the main stage wearing pussy willows, while Michelle Vasage, Alassandra Torresani, and lesbian actress Lily Tomlin get ready to get blown into the Milky Way by the girl’s neo-futuristic looks.

Raja comes on looking like C3P0”s girlfriend in a bright yellow metallic body suit. Alexis Matero works a drag Flash Gordon look with a great space cape, thigh high red boots, and a tower of coiled hair dyed red and black. Stacey Layne Matthews comes in looking like a metallic Jiffy Pop ready to eat. MiMi works a look that’s one part Divine and one part Uncle Fester with a huge asteroid shooting lightning bolts out of her head. Carmen Carrerra comes in with glass tiles in a very Poker Face look. Delta Work looks like a turquoise water balloon.

9:38 PM – Commercial: Wow. They even have commercials with entire families of mucus! LOGO’s got diversity coming out the nose!

9:43 PM – Shanegla and Alexis Mateo play the twinbots in the sequel and they’re awesomely connected by a twin braid. Sadly, Mimi Imfurst does a horrible job as Hermaphroditus really hamming it up as she says “I am your father… and your mother!!!” And yet she’s surprised when she doesn’t win the challenge. The twinbots win hand-coated silicon breast plates from BoobsForQueens.com. Look in envy you jealous queens! It may be the only time these gay men have ever lusted over a pair of boobs.

9:47 PM – Team Phoenix is on the chopping block. And Phoenix gets slammed for her mediocre stick shift acting. India works a crazy costume that’s like Judy Jetson in Vegas. Carmen works her great body in a crazy corset with shining lights, but the judges hate it even though it looks great. Manila gets some love for her space-monkeyness, but her costume gets some hits for being a poor Grace Jones knock-off. And the loser is…?

9:52 PM – Another commercial: Ph balanced tampons? Umm… last night I think a tampon tried to mess with woman’s body chemistry, we had some girls who ended with toxic shock syndrome. Insert wisely, ladies.

9:53 PM – Space monkey Manila, India, Raja and Carmen are all safe, but not before they crap all over Carmen for having an imperfect costume. Truth be told, Carmen’s costume rocked. Phoenix and Delta up for elimination. And so they lip-synch to “Bad Romance.” Surprisingly, Delta has the inferior costume but actually shows up Phoenix by being herself instead of mimicking Lady Gaga‘s moves. Who will win?

10:00 PM – Phoenix gets the boot! But next week a freakish looking LaToya Jackson and Susan “stop the madness” Powter will judge as the ladies make a crazy workout video that somehow involves eating fried chicken.

10:02 PM – World of Wonder is smart enough to keep the cameras rolling after the cavalcade of craziness ends in Drag Race. In the post show Untucked Alexis makes sure to point out that Mimi was picked last.

10:04 PM – Mimi gets hated on because she’s kinda annoying and was way over the top bad drag in her drag space show. But everyone agrees that Stacey did well this week with her mother thunderpuss Julia Child impression as the terrorized Booberella.

10:11 PM- Alexis and Shangela both think that Mimi is false is hell. They’re also both a little drunk on vodka because they’re dishing on their teammates and while giving each other props. What can they say? They were robot twins. Then they dish on Mariah, sharing their opinion that she’s more trans than drag (implying that she’s had some serious work done to look more feminine). And since this is Ru-Paul’s DRAG Race, they don’t accept her. Strange though, because if a trans person can’t compete on this show, then all that’s left is America’s Next Top Model or Wipeout. An instance of trans phobia on an anything goes show?

10:18 PM – Ru-Paul had the great idea of putting Phoenix in a room with his all the teammates that just threw him under the bus, recommending he be eliminated. It’s kinda fun seeing him pout in a silver zebra cat suit, shimmering eyeliner, and chicken wire orbiting his head.

10:25 PM – Commercial: The last warrior that survived the set of 300 walked the sand dunes just to sell you pomegranate juice. Truth be told, I want him more than I want than the overpriced juice. Give it up, Spartan!

10:26 PM – Shangela continues her drunken rampage by claiming that Mimi can only do camp. Mimi explains that the reason her costumes looks so jankety is because she’s from New York where drag queens have no dressing rooms and have to ride public transportation. She also says that everyone else looked like a Judy Jetson hooker compared to her and that she’s both very real and a million more times more talented than everyone else on the show. Oh, Mimi… a million? Oh, gurl… you are kinda a mess. Mimi represents all of NYC, but she may lack the sophistication and grace to win.

(screen shots via)