Which Contest Bled From Her Eyes During RuPaul’s Drag Race?

If you’ve missed the Drag Race so far, here’s a quick recap: Venus D-Lite got the boot for his crappy Christmas couture, Phoenix got lost during Drag Queens in Outer Space for his yawn-worthy performance, Mimi Imfirst deservedly got the boot for hamming up a fitness video, and India Ferrah failed to deliver on the drag morning news show.

In my humble but accurate opinion, shit-talking Delta Work has got to go. It’s OK to have a mouth on you, only she hasn’t backed it up one whit with either a stellar performance or a great dress. While I love me some big girls, Stacy Layne Matthew’s time has come (she only delivers when other people give her good ideas). And lastly, Yara’s hyperactive Charro routine is getting mighty old; she can’t really rely on her rapid-fire Spanglish and delightful cluelessness to stumble through the entire season, can she?

As for the winners, it’s either gonna be no drama Raja, the funny and spirited Manilla, or the venomously bitchy Shangela. Shangela is definitely the villain in this series—girl is out for blood!

9:00 PM – Only 8 more ladies to go! Tonight, the ladies will play a modified version of snatch while personifying famous female celebrities. It’s so weird seeing the queens enter the room out of drag; they look like… (gasp!) dudes. Yara and Shangela says that she found Manilla’s ultra-Chinese anchorwoman schtick from last week quite offensive. Yet no one seems to mention that the judges have been asking Yara to be an over the top Latino mess for the last 3 episodes. Anyone find THAT offensive?

9:05 PM – The ladies play “Shit RuPaul says”, which is a drag version of Wheel of Fortune… without the wheel. The grand prize is a phone call home and all the queens are like “Oh, I can’t wait to call my grandma!” Uhh… do these bitches not have cell phones? A phone call costs like, 50 cents. Grand prize, my ass. The final puzzle of Shit RuPaul says, “She already done had herses,” which sound like something I’d say while drunk.

9:08 PM – Delta Work gives Shangela her grand prize phone call so Shangela can call her grandma, which makes it all the sadder because I’m pretty sure Delta Work is about to get the boot. For the Snatch game show, Stacy is gonna do Anna Nicole Smith (isn’t she dead?). Way to have a heart, Stacy. Just kidding… Stacy can do whatever she likes with Anna Nicole’s corpse for all I care!

9:10 PM – Commercial: Hall Pass is a delightful rom-com about a schlubby white turd who wants to cheat on his wife! Heartwarming! It looks like a poor man’s version of The Hangover.

9:12 PM – Commercial: Do you like the diarrhea? The BK Beef Steakhouse comes with corn and veggies already embedded into the brown so your body doesn’t have to!

9:15 PM – Yara is doing Alicia Keyes. Manilla is doing Imelda Marcos to show his Filipino pride. Delta is gonna do Cher; and Ru was like “You know that every Cher fan, every Cher impersonator, and Cher herself watches this show, right?” Delta’s like “Wow, thanks for the help, bitch.” Raja is gonna be Tyra banks. Yara is gonna be Amy Winehouse—her British accent sounds slurred and horrid, JUST LIKE THE REAL AMY WINEHOUSE!

Carmen Carrera has padded “her already fat ass” to do J-Lo. Alexis Mateo is gonna do Alecia Keyes, except as a pregnant drunk. Stacy Layne is gonna depend on her shoes and purse to convey Anna Nicole Smith (and Ru is not buying it). Mariah is doing Joan Crawford (who according to Ru is strong, confident and concise… everything that Mariah is NOT). Ooooh… burn.

9:19 PM – Commercial: These crazy kids just CAN’T GET ENOUGH of the new orange juice flavored lead! It’s not your grandmother’s lead!

9:20 PM – A bunch of other world countries are ahead of American students when it comes to math and science. How on Earth did this happen? 2 words: Yeehaw McStarWars.

9:22 PM – Commercial: FYI, the Kardashians DO NOT shop at old Navy… they do not shop in supermarkets or pay traffic tickets either.

9:23 PM – Commedienne Aisha Tyler and some woman named Amber judge. Delta works Cher. Manilla does Imedla Marcos, Stacy Layne decides to do Monique instead of Anna Nicole (good call). Shangela as Tina Turner promises to do it rough. Mariah’s Joan Crawford looks kinda horrid, and not awesomely horrid like the REAL Joan Crawford. Yara’s Amy Winehouse is surprisingly good as she puts a cigarette out in her own Marge Simpson hair.

9:27 PM – During the game show, Tyra repeatedly hates on Naomi Campbell and smiles with her eyes (smizes) until her eyes begin to bleed red nail polish—awesome! Joan Crawford fails to deliver as she says that Psycho Sally is so crazy that she doesn’t kiss her dates, she… “cuts the rose bushes”? Ahhh… OK. Stacy Layne Matthews is also underwhelming as Monique, repeatedly asking for food. Manilla camps it up as Imelda Marcos by putting a bunch of designer shoes in front of her until they overflow. Alicia Keyes says that Dirty Diane is so dirty that she washes her wig out with “a douche”, except that he spells it “dush.” Deliberate ghetto spelling or just actual bad spelling?

9:35 PM – Commercial: So they’ve decided to make a horror movie out of Little Red Riding Hood. The original was pretty darned scary too (and have you ever read Angela Carter’s version of it in her book The Bloody Chamber? Scare-ee!) What sort of mother sends her young nubile daughter with a basket of goodies among the wolves? Someone call CPS up on this bitch.

9:37 PM – The ladies get ready for their runway show while talking about random crap. Amber Rose looks great in her Grace Jones leopard hood. Yara looks like Storm in a Gaultier dress. Shangela works a lacey antebellum Southern belle with a crazy beautiful hair hat. Mariah looks like dark and devastating in her plumed get up. Raja looks like a rockette from the set of Apocalypto (not her BEST look but still delightfully weird). Alexis Mateo works a Quincinera gown that is ghastly! Carmen Carrera looks awesome as a poolside seductress. Stacy Matthews doesn’t look so great in her gold lamais ensemble. Delta comes in a glittery purple pant suit looking “like Ann Margaret after the buffet.” Manilla works it in the Filipino flag dress. God I love her.

9:40 PM – Carmen, Shangela and Manila are safe, but Ru Paul says not to play it SAFE any more, because she LOATHES that word… and if you keep palying safe, your ass is gonna be toast! Stacy, Raja, and Alexis are in the top 3. Jara, Delta, and Mariah are on the bottom 3.

9:45 PM – Commercial: Learning how to pronounce “acai” may help you land your own vodka commercial. Having a crazy-ass dress and mad drag skills will help.

9:47 PM – Raja rocked the Tyra Banks. Alexis did Alecia Keyes well and everyone loves her glamourous sweet 15 dress. But they loved Stacy’s Monique because she stepped it up as a smoking, foul-mouthed mother. Raja’s accent crippled her Amy Winehouse routine. Delta was a weak Cher who held back too much. Mariah’s Joan Crawford left the judges hungering for a wire hanger. Ru said her Joan Crawford was more like “Lilly Munster”, especially with her tragic makeup.

9:52 PM – Commercial for The King’s Speech: Will the newly crowned king overcome his stutter and bravely send his people to die? A heartwarming film about a rich white guy who sent lots of poor whites to die in one of the bloodiest wars ever! Fun!

9:55 PM – Stacy Layne wins the challenge. I’m honestly surprised that she won over Raja’s crazy-eyed Tyra. Mariah is up for elimination for her cruddy Crawford and Delta’s unbelievably bad Cher is up for elimination too. I hope Delta gets the chop!

9:57 PM – Mariah doesn’t know the words, but Delta does. But does knowing the words make you a winner? Or is it all about the performance? Delta gets to stay. Ru calls Mariah’s elimination her emancipation, which is kinda like when my mom called my appendectomy “a fun, real-life version of Operation.”

10:00 PM – Next week the ladies will drop the drag and pose nude! Cray cray.

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