OJ’s Way Scarier Than Butt Sex

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Religious fundamentalists think gay people are scary. Well, our cousins over at Jossip led us to TMZ’s transcript of OJ Simpson’s “coulda-woulda-shoulda” retelling of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman’s gruesome murders. And, guess what, it’s fucking scary.

Now I was standing in Nicole’s courtyard, in the dark, listening to the loud, rhythmic, accelerated beating of my own heart. I put my left hand to my heart and my shirt felt strangely wet. I looked down at myself. For several moments, I couldn’t get my mind around what I was seeing. The whole front of me was covered in blood, but it didn’t compute. Is this really blood? I wondered. And whose blood is it? Is it mine? Am I hurt?

No, you’re crazy, OJ. Seriously, seriously nuts.

Now, can someone please forward this to all our anti-gay enemies and please explain to them that gays may be a lot of things, but we’re not insane murderers who wrote a book pretending not to be insane murderers. We’re total pussy cats by comparison.