STICKY BUSINESS

OK Senator Suggests Making It A Crime For A Man To Spill His Seed Anywhere But In A Womb

Queerty reader Sooner Muscle tipped us off about an Oklahoma lawmaker who petitioned for an amendment to an anti-abortion bill that would outlaw shooting a load anywhere but inside a lady’s woo-hoo.

Currently, the Legislature is debating a bill that would effectively ban abortion in the state as an invasion of the “protectable interests” of unborn children.  SB1433, known as the ” Personhood Act” was introduced by Sen. Brian Crain (R-Tulsa) and would give full rights to zygotes from the moment of conception,

The text reads, in part:

The Oklahoma Legislature finds that:

1. The life of each human being begins at conception;

2. Unborn children have protectable interests in life, health, and well-being; and

3. The natural parents of unborn children have protectable interests in the life, health, and well-being of their unborn child.

4. The laws of this state shall be interpreted and construed to acknowledge on behalf of the unborn child at every stage of development all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.

5. As used in this section, “unborn child” or “unborn children” shall include all unborn children or the offspring of human beings from the moment of conception until birth at every stage of biological development.

6. Nothing in this section shall be interpreted as creating a cause of action against a woman for indirectly harming her unborn child by failing to properly care for herself or by failing to follow any particular program of prenatal care.

That’s not that different from the “Personhood Amendment” that died in Mississippi. (Doesn’t anyone care about the rights of proposed legislation?)

But State Sen. Constance Johnson (D-Oklahoma City) took things one step further: She filed an amendment to the bill that added the following:

“However, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.”

That’s not just the re-criminalization of all gay sex acts, but blowjobs, handjobs, facials, body shots, wet dreams and even jacking off (all of which, we’re told, straight men like a lot).

Oh, and condoms would be a no-no too.

We were almost ready to make Sen. Johnson our patented Douche of the Week when we found out she was being a wise-ass. She thinks SB1433, is as dumb as we do and was trying to make a point about how sexist it is to equate a woman’s rights with that of a clump of cells at conception. Johnson later withdrew the amendment.

Democratic State Sen. Jim Wilson tried to add a protest amendment as well, one that would require guys to provide housing, food, transportation, health care and other essentials to any chicks they knocked up.

It was shot down because, while the Oklahoma Legislature doesn’t think childbirth is a woman’s right, they do think it’s totally her responsibility.

We like that Johnson tried to illustrate how preposterous SB1433 is, but now we’re afraid she’s planted a dangerous seed in the minds of the Religious Right: Life begins at ejaculation.

A full vote on SB1433 is expected as early as Thursday.

Photos via Oklahoma Senate, Caleb Long