daddy issues

Does the older guy in a relationship have to be the responsible one?

Younger man with daddy

Guys just want to have fun… even when they’re the older one in a relationship. One fella told users of Reddit’s r/gay community that he’s “scared of dating a younger guy” because he “[doesn’t] want to feel the pressure of having to the ‘more mature,’ more ‘responsible’ one.”

“I don’t want to be someone’s ‘daddy,’” that user wrote in his October 22 post. “This sucks because I’ve been approached by younger guys who are very attractive.”

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Some commenters on the thread could sympathize. “Oof, I get this,” one wrote. “I work with a guy that I flirt with on and off, [and] we joke around a lot, too; he’s 18, and I’m 24, so I’m not sure I should even give it a shot. Anyway, I get it. I hope everything works out in a way that’s mutually beneficial.”

Another person wrote: “I know what you mean, as an older gay man (63) who is still young-looking and not in bad shape, and I’ve been approached as well in this way,” one wrote. “However, I’m dead-set against the idea of ‘sugar daddying’ somebody. If I want a romantic partner, they have to pull their own weight, just I’d expect myself to do in any relationship.”

In one of the top-voted comments, a Reddit user wrote “Age ≠ maturity ∨ wisdom,” which, in plain English, translates to, “Age does not equal maturity or wisdom.” (Was that commenter speaking highly of mature younger guys? Shading the original poster as unwise or immature? Both?)

But most of the commenters told the original poster he was leaping to conclusions and potentially missing out on fulfilling relationships with younger men.

“You’re really overthinking this,” one Reddit user wrote. “It will either work or it won’t, and it won’t be because of any role you place on yourself. And don’t let your other guy think he has a role either. Unless it’s super hot.”

A second person commented, “You can’t assume they are irresponsible or won’t step up and take care of [their] selves, home, [and] job, or be really needy.”

One 42-year-old said he had a 29-year-old fiancé. “I honestly only wanted to date some around my age (plus or minus five years) when I was dating,” that commenter wrote. “But I fell in love. Yes, there are different life experiences we are going through, but what it boiled down to… he’s the nicest, sweetest, [most] handsome guy I have [met] and will ever meet. … Common values matter way more than common interests.”

Another Reddit user had a similar take: “My boyfriend is 29. I’m 39. He has a Ph.D., earns the same as me, doesn’t party like a 20-year-old would. We like the same things. It works.”

And a third commenter had an even bigger age gap in a past relationship: “I dated a guy who was half my age,” that user wrote. “He was mature, responsible, and engaging. Very interesting and a wildcat in the sack. Didn’t work out because of distance, but I gave it a shot, and I’m over my fear of dating a young guy. Swing at every ball, I say.”

Related: 7 things “daddies” should never say to 20-somethings

Then there was the guy who has been married for 11 years to a man nine years younger than he. “I couldn’t be living a better life. He is my everything,” that commenter said. “Don’t block an opportunity for happiness because you are unaware of how the dynamic will work. Give it a try.”

Some of the sagest words on the thread came from an especially young daddy: “I’m 19, and I’m a daddy of multiple people, and most of them are the same age or older. I think it more depends on the personality. Some people just don’t like responsibility/want someone to take care of them. Others wanna be the opposite: some just want to be equals. … Age doesn’t seem to play a big role in what people want, in my opinion.”

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