Guys just want to have fun… even when they’re the older one in a relationship. One fella told users of Reddit’s r/gay community that he’s “scared of dating a younger guy” because he “[doesn’t] want to feel the pressure of having to the ‘more mature,’ more ‘responsible’ one.”
“I don’t want to be someone’s ‘daddy,’” that user wrote in his October 22 post. “This sucks because I’ve been approached by younger guys who are very attractive.”
Related: Hello, daddies! Sexy new web series tackles being gay and a hot mess in your 50s
Some commenters on the thread could sympathize. “Oof, I get this,” one wrote. “I work with a guy that I flirt with on and off, [and] we joke around a lot, too; he’s 18, and I’m 24, so I’m not sure I should even give it a shot. Anyway, I get it. I hope everything works out in a way that’s mutually beneficial.”
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Another person wrote: “I know what you mean, as an older gay man (63) who is still young-looking and not in bad shape, and I’ve been approached as well in this way,” one wrote. “However, I’m dead-set against the idea of ‘sugar daddying’ somebody. If I want a romantic partner, they have to pull their own weight, just I’d expect myself to do in any relationship.”
In one of the top-voted comments, a Reddit user wrote “Age ≠ maturity ∨ wisdom,” which, in plain English, translates to, “Age does not equal maturity or wisdom.” (Was that commenter speaking highly of mature younger guys? Shading the original poster as unwise or immature? Both?)
But most of the commenters told the original poster he was leaping to conclusions and potentially missing out on fulfilling relationships with younger men.
“You’re really overthinking this,” one Reddit user wrote. “It will either work or it won’t, and it won’t be because of any role you place on yourself. And don’t let your other guy think he has a role either. Unless it’s super hot.”
A second person commented, “You can’t assume they are irresponsible or won’t step up and take care of [their] selves, home, [and] job, or be really needy.”
One 42-year-old said he had a 29-year-old fiancé. “I honestly only wanted to date some around my age (plus or minus five years) when I was dating,” that commenter wrote. “But I fell in love. Yes, there are different life experiences we are going through, but what it boiled down to… he’s the nicest, sweetest, [most] handsome guy I have [met] and will ever meet. … Common values matter way more than common interests.”
Another Reddit user had a similar take: “My boyfriend is 29. I’m 39. He has a Ph.D., earns the same as me, doesn’t party like a 20-year-old would. We like the same things. It works.”
And a third commenter had an even bigger age gap in a past relationship: “I dated a guy who was half my age,” that user wrote. “He was mature, responsible, and engaging. Very interesting and a wildcat in the sack. Didn’t work out because of distance, but I gave it a shot, and I’m over my fear of dating a young guy. Swing at every ball, I say.”
Related: 7 things “daddies” should never say to 20-somethings
Then there was the guy who has been married for 11 years to a man nine years younger than he. “I couldn’t be living a better life. He is my everything,” that commenter said. “Don’t block an opportunity for happiness because you are unaware of how the dynamic will work. Give it a try.”
Some of the sagest words on the thread came from an especially young daddy: “I’m 19, and I’m a daddy of multiple people, and most of them are the same age or older. I think it more depends on the personality. Some people just don’t like responsibility/want someone to take care of them. Others wanna be the opposite: some just want to be equals. … Age doesn’t seem to play a big role in what people want, in my opinion.”
Harley
As a single gay man in my 60s I’ve given up on the dating scene. Most single men my age want a younger lover and most younger guys going out with older men want an easy paycheck. So I’ve checked out. Celibacy was hard at first but over time I’ve adjusted.
Vince
It’s no wonder gay men fear aging more then any other group. It’s scary when you don’t have the typical structure that hetero’s enjoy. My family has mostly died off and I don’t get along with my Brother.
Plus the gay community in general is really only geared for the younger. Add that to the fact of what your saying which is very true and it’s kind of bleak. There are exceptions of course and that’s what I’m hoping for myself.
inbama
Don’t imagine those older heteros are having a sexual relationship anywhere near what would meet a gay man’s expectations. Women want a lot of hand-holding and PDAs, but in bed its:
YOUNG 7 to 19 minutes once or twice a week
OLD 3 t0 7 minutes once or twice a month
Huron132
I agree with you. I’ve given up looking. But I haven’t given up on everyone. If it ever happens that there might be one more man out there wants to spend time with me. I’m going to go for it. I at least want to say I tried as hard as I could. I don’t (woulda, shoulda, coulda) in my last days. I’m the hopeful romantic.
quantum
Lesson learned,
Don’t eff reddit users.
glennmcbride
I was 35 and my partner 20 when we met. I was not comfortable with the age difference at the beginning and didn’t take the “affair” seriously at the beginning, but he is a responsible, caring person that I enjoy being with. We have been together 35 years and both are very comfortable with our relationship and no one notices the age difference any more.
Seth
“…he’s 18, and I’m 24.”
How precious.
bachy
I frequently find that when I date younger guys I’m slowly edged into a parental role. It’s not anyone’s fault; but when you see someone you care about making mistakes that can be easily avoided, you can’t help but try to guide them into wiser choices.
Problem is I didn’t marry and have children for a reason: I really don’t want to direct all my energies into ‘parenting’ anyone. I need only look at my brother and sister (both parents) to know that parenting is an intensely draining, exhausting, anxiety-generating and thankless job.
Stan H
The two people in the relationship define the relationship “Not Outsiders”.
seven5tx
I got criticized for dating younger. Guys my own age were bitter,. very bitter. The young guys were not. Never had a young guy after my money. I don’t really have any. They like the life experience and the much much better sex. Most are just looking to slow it down and maybe not be out at the bars all the time.
dbmcvey
There should be more than one responsible person in a relationship.
Phillip
There is almost a decade difference in my relationship with my younger husband and we’ve been together nearly 42 years this coming February 2923.
Yes, these relationship can work!