Oscar Red Carpet Madness!

Watching the Oscar red carpet madness gives us such a headache. We can’t keep track of who’s who, what they’re doing there and why we should care.

The kids over at E! were certainly no help – not only did they not seem to know the answers to those pressing questions, they didn’t seem to give two shits. The complete and utter stupidity of Ryan Seacrest, Giuliana Depandi and homo extraordinaire Jay Manuel from America’s Next Top Model was only eclipsed by former The View co-host Debbie Manopoulos. When asked how she stays so thin, she said “I don’t eat”. The duo over at ABC weren’t any better and Joan and Melissa Rivers on TV Guide really couldn’t hold our attention.

As hard as it may be to believe, the only person we could focus on in the celebrity cluster fuck was Sally Kirkland. Coincidentally enough, her reality defying, rabbi designed dress seems to be made from the rainbow flag. Thus, she’s our Oscar patron saint.

So, round of applause for Ms. Kirkland. Crazy’s never looked so good. Or so disturbing.

See some more red carpet shots, after the jump…

Portia’s all, “Yeah, I fuck Ellen. Yeah, I’m fucking hot. Yeah, my hair’s in a pony tail.”

“Now you know.”

It’s like a lesbian invasion! We had Ellen hosting, Portia looking hot to trot and now new Oscar-winner Melissa Etheridge and main squeeze Tammy Lynn Michaels (yes, of blog fame) dripping in diamonds. According to Michaels’ aforementioned blog, the ladies wore about $1.2 million worth of the sparkling stone. Good thing, too, because we needed a distraction from Etheridge’s song. We’re all about stopping global warming and shit, but seriously did it deserve an Oscar?

He’s no lesbian. In fact, he’s not even gay, but Steve Carell did play gay in Little Miss Sunshine. He also presented with co-star Greg Kinnear, who played gay in As Good as It Gets. We just got chills…

Where can Jennifer Hudson go from here? Space, perhaps?

Because we know you love Helen Mirren. She’s British, you know.

Marc Anthony’s transformation into Dracula is nearly complete. Poor Jennifer Lopez doesn’t know what he has in mind for her, although we’re sure she’ll be glad to know she can wear that dress to their wedding of the damned.

Just so you get the complete effect.