Excess Baggage

Pam Ann’s Top 10 Traveling Tips for Surviving Memorial Weekend Airline Travel

Direct from her sell-out European comedy tour, air hostess Pam Ann returns to New York City to present her brand new show, PAM ANN: AIR SCARE (inspired by all of the alarming incidents that have plagued the airline industry these past few months) at Joe’s Pub, Thursday, June 2 – Saturday, June 4.

In a Queerty exclusive, Pam shares her Top Ten Traveling Tips for Memorial Day:

10. Watch out for excess baggage…and I’m not talking those bags under your eyes, I am talking your luggage.

9. If you have a fear of flying just remember it CAN happen. Best way to deal with your fear is a good dose of Ambien and a bottle of wine.

8. Crying children? Hot steaming coffee always does the trick. Spill the coffee on the small child, pretend to care, look concerned and say ‘sorry
about that’ and walk the fark off.

7. Fatties: Don’t fly Southwest unless you have purchased a row of seats.

6. Always remember to touch up before touch down (wink).

5. To ensure an inappropriate TSA pat down, make sure you leave your cock ring on.

4. Never press the call button bitches–it’s wired to customs and immigration.

3. To pass time in the terminal, get on Grindr. It’s the new LAYOVER.

2. Make sure you remain in your seat with your seat belt on and don’t get in the half-running, half-sprinter position like you are ready to run a race. Sit the fark down and wait until the plane has come to a complete stop. You never know when there is someone bigger and faster coming up your rear like an Air France A380.

1. To get the attention of the air hostess, grab a Mosque clock, wrap a scarf on your head, and run down the aisle screaming 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2… KIDDING!

Check out Pam Ann’s extended, hilarious chat on this week’s GayCities/Queerty-sponsored Swish Edition comedy & interview show.