When a family rejects their queer children, it not only harms those kids but also relationships throughout the family tree for years to come.
Consider the case of a 28-year-old who is still facing familial troubles after his parents kicked him out of their house at age 15. His extended relatives expressed hurt over not being invited to his gay wedding. But he says, because they weren’t supportive of him in his teen years, he didn’t invite them and shouldn’t feel guilt over it.
His parents kicked him out for having a boyfriend, and though he briefly stayed at his boyfriend’s family’s house afterward, the disowned teenager’s aunt and uncle refused to let the teen stay at their house because they didn’t want to “pick sides” in the family “fight.” The aunt also worried that the teen’s mother would feel hurt if she “replaced” her as a mom.
Their rejection devastated him. He’d always felt close to his aunt and uncle’s family. Both had always been vocally supportive of gay rights for as long as he could remember. As a result of their refusal, he ended up homeless and sleeping on park benches. His aunt and uncle also told his female cousin to stop speaking to him in public, he said.
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With some self-effort and the help of social workers, the young man was able to get back on his feet and make a life for himself. Last year, his cousin reached out via social media to apologize and reconnect.
“She persuaded me to attend a couple of family events where she insisted I would be welcome and that others would want to apologize and ‘make things right’ with me,” the disowned family member wrote. “I went, and found that what this meant was that my parents and I ignored one another while [my aunt and uncle] enthusiastically chatted to me and acted as though we’d just randomly lost contact and nothing weird had happened.”
He stopped attending these events and instead just continued occasional friendly text exchanges on social media with his cousin, aunt, and uncle. However, when they saw pics of his wedding to his boyfriend on social media, they began bombarding him with calls, texts, and messages expressing hurt and anger over not being invited.
“How could you pretend to have reconnected with us but disown us as your family like this?,” they questioned. “Who are these strangers you refer to as your ‘parents’?” they asked of his in-laws who he referred to on social media as “family” (not as his “parents”). “Your real parents are so humiliated!” another message read.
The now-28-year-old man asked if he was in the wrong for not inviting his extended family members to the wedding and whether he should respond to their upset messages.
Advice columnist R. Eric Thomas said that their “over-the-top” upset was likely caused by the realization of the long-term harm that their “own abhorrent behavior” had caused. The extended family had obviously not done much to express empathy, remorse, or try and make any amends, Thomas added.
Thomas said that the man should cut off all contact with his relatives, lest they continue to cast him as the “bad guy” over the guilt they feel. If he couldn’t cut off all contact, Thomas suggested that he tell his extended family that his not inviting them to the wedding wasn’t intended to hurt him, and that he’ll need to stop communicating with them, if they’re unable to stop messaging him and just be happy for him.
While rejected relatives aren’t required to maintain relationships with toxic, unsupportive family members, the situation is still tragic. His parent’s bad blood has now affected his extended family, and it will not only impact him, but also any offspring or supportive in-laws who’ll never enjoy the fruits of a large family now that his parents have poisoned an entire side of the family tree.
Jaws1939
The parents and family disowned him. At a time he needed them the most. Well like the saying goes “There are 2 families ” “The one you are born into and the one you make”.
I was not kicked out of my house but when I do get married, I will remember what family members had my back.
bachy
I recognize this twisted family drama. It’s the CHILD’S FAULT for being “different.” It’s the ADOLESCENT’S FAULT for being gay. It’s the YOUNG ADULT’S FAULT for moving away and creating a social circle, a “family” and a life of their own.
The parents and other members of the original family only see themselves as “doing their best” – while their child was emotionally abandoned, invalidated, rejected and left to figure things out for themselves at a very young age. And then the family wonders why they receive no affection from their child in adulthood.
What’s the solution to this horrible, depleting equation?
jt1990
You have to wonder if there’s more to the story tho. I know two gays who were kicked out of their parents home, but it had nothing to do with their sexuality (it was actually drug use and violence towards family members). And both were over 18 at the time. But I will say kicking a 15 year old out on the street is problematic (and illegal). If this story is true, then I hope these parents catch hell from the cops and CPS.
Although my parents disapprove of the Hispanic woman I’m dating, I haven’t been ‘disowned’ in such a way. (Interracial dating and homosexuality are equally bad in my family.) The worst I have been treated so far is being refused dessert last Thanksgiving. Mother believes my gaining weight keeps me from attracting white women.
white-queer-african
@jt1990, u dating an hispanic woman? Please cupcake! You always posting comments on a queer website? Does she know about this? AND you always referencing your weight problem? Me thinks you have some serious issues you need to deal with.
cuteguy
@jt1990.
Move out of the trailer park and quit your job as a Faux News bot always targeting queer sites. Your self hatred is evident and sad. Get help
Den
@jt1990:
Why am I not surprised you have come up with a way to imply this may well be the gay man’s fault? And why am I equally not surprised to find I was correct in assuming you were some het creeper, here to troll.
Get your sorry ass off this site BREEDER BOY!
Nobody wants scumbag haters like you here, nobody likes you, and you haver nothing of value to add to our dialogue or community.
Take your ass to some right wing evangelical gay hating site where you might be appreciated.
jt1990
@white-queer-african She also doesn’t know that I’m a regular contributor to American Renaissance. We frequently have ‘outsiders’ check us out and post their two cents. Seldom do our regulars respond so harshly to opposing views (that’s what the downvote button is for). In fact, I consider it a chance to educate!
@cuteguy rudeness isn’t cute, so ya know
Kangol2
@jt1990, just a heads-up, but “Hispanic” IS NOT A RACE. Hispanic people can be of any race. So you very well could be dating a White Hispanic woman, in which case your parents would and should not be offended by your opposite sex/heterosexual, non-interracial relationship.. As for the American Renaissance posts, it’s not at all surprising!
peluzo
@jt1990 you suck
DBMC
Thank you peluzo, that was exactly the response jt1990’s comment deserves. He doesn’t deserve anything more than our scorn.
Gadfeal
Unfortunate young man. If he had known the negative reaction of his home entourage, he may have decided to remain “closeted” until he left home and moved to a place where he could live freely.
Nonetheless, while I wouldn’t give the parents the time of day unless they had undergone education and transformed their perspective, the aunt/uncle, who had to remain in the close-mined community, seemed sympathetic to the teenager but unwilling to jeopardize their own estrangement for a nephew.
When he is more at peace, he may contact his aunt/uncle and decide that their unwillingness to host him was not as black and white as an immature teenage mind may consider, and they may be his best route to “educating” his family. Certainly, I suspect that his cousins would be more educated than their parents.
As one gets older, as lovers come and go, life can get very lonely for the 30% or more of mature gay men who live alone. Family is “forever” and not of one’s choosing – much like neighbors. Not all are antipathetic or sympathetic 100% – just as the spectrum of sexuality. We can only hope to move their attitude along the spectrum to one of understanding, acceptance, and, hopefully, affection.
barryaksarben
Screw them. I woul prefer being alone for the rest of my life than to have one person and I didn’t know I could actually trust if the chips were down. Family I’ve chosen has been with me now some over 40 years and we are there to love as a poor each other I know for a fact I have at least five friends who would give me everything they possibly could my way of helping me no questions asked. I have one of six siblings who I could say that about and neither parent although my mom and I have a pretty good relationship. You’re gay friends are your family. I have two brothers who are quite okay with being gay but if the chips really came down to it I’m not sure what would happen, thankfully the chips have never fallen that direction and I love my brothers but my gay family absolute trust.
IJelly
It was black and white. He was fifteen and sleeping on park benches. That’s inexcusable.
DBMC
It’s not his fault that his parents are terrible bigots and his aunt and uncle are spineless worms who still can’t accept that they are also responsible for what happened to this person they claim to love.
ohiogreg
He did right by not inviting them. It’s supposed to be a fun filled days for both of the grooms. Not a tense toxic day.
Plus there are no rules saying who to invite to a wedding.
If I were him, I would cut myself off from all of his family.
Donald Dork
I would have invited the cousin. At least she apologized.
GayEGO
I hid my gay self when I was 15 in Idaho. I went into the Navy and as a musician who played the flute, I came out when I was 20 and found a mate. I called him my roommate for years, and then partner. We got married in 2004 in Massachusetts. I told my family in 1991 when I was 50, they were fine with it.
ShiningSex
you should have come out earlier. I came out at 15 and would never have hidden my partner for many years in fear of their reaction. It’s not fair to the partner to be hidden. I know everyone has their own time to come out, but it seems they would have been ok early on. So much time wasted.
Paganliam
ShiningSex He was 15 in the 40’s. Had he “came out,” he’d have been institutionalized, if not killed. You really should look into what life was like for queer people before the 2000’s.
Kangol2
Whew, math is hard for some people.
@Paganliam, GayEGO was 50 in 1991, meaning he was born in/around 1941. So he was 15 in 1956, not the 40s!
And ShiningSex, PLEASE, go watch a film about LGBTQ history or read a book about the topic. The Stonewall Riots were in 1969, roughly 13 years after he would have had to hide his sexuality in Idaho, which is still a very conservative state. It would have been very difficult to come out in 1956, 1966, 1976 or even 1986 there!
DBMC
Congrats! It’s sad that not everyone has accepting families.
Iona Lexiss
Don’t we just love it when parents and family (presumably adults) create a family with no concern for the welfare or well-being of the child they brought into the world? I can’t think of a responsibility more absolute than that of a parent to love and nurture a child and these asshats make it all about themselves.
Diplomat
Him asking his family to his wedding would have been alright had the entire family resolved their issues prior and were all in a happy supportive emotional state. However such was not the case and his wedding day being his most important day of his life, is not the day to do it. He made the right decision.
basils_Herald
Neither my husband nor I were kicked out of our homes coming up, but we only had a tiny ceremony at city hall for a few reasons. First, it was our day and that’s honestly what we wanted (and the discussion should honestly stop there. Nobody is obliged to throw a big wedding). Second, we thought we were moving to England and we needed to get married within a year of moving for my visa (didn’t move after all because Brexit lol). Third, there was a lot of tacit homophobia on both sides of our family tree and little appetite to talk about it outside of the two of us. We took the bus to city hall, got married in front of some close friends, went out for a fancy lunch and did some shopping at the hardware store. It was magically mundane and five years later still seems like the best decision of our lives.
bachy
Single here, but I like your marrying style!
myohotim
It is incumbent upon every one of us to create healthy boundries that protect and reinforce the dignity of our precious lives . It’s one of the Bill of Rights of the ACOA-(Adult Child of Alcoholics). You never have to stay in the company of abusive situations or abusive people. Parents or no. If the story told is accurate, these family members are being passive aggressive and manipulative. Yes it’s painful to not have the family you deserve, but there’s no way in hell I’d have anything to do with “parents” and “relatives” that left me out in the cold when I were a minor child. I’d tell them to go to hell.
Send the parents of the poor soul the name of a good trauma therapist and have them contact him when they’re ready to beg for forgiveness. Until then, sayonara
white-queer-african
I am privileged to have always had the support of my immediate family. The rest I couldn’t have cared less about. When I introduced my husband to be to my mother all she was interested in was if he would be good to me because she would make sure I was good to him. He is black and I am white. Go figure. South Africa!
twomen4u
The man received the correct advice and responded to his family accordingly. This much like the old expression if you cannot give me flowers when I am living, don’t you dare bring them to my funeral. My late wife (yes, I was married once but am on my second husband) and I adopted a little girl. MY mother would send Christmas presents but they would only be for her older brother. I told my mother if you cannot send for both, do not send anything and that was the path she chose. She lost seeing a beautiful girl grow into an amazing woman.
I support his action completely. He has a husband and his family so enjoy them. My first husband’s mother was still alive when we were together. She told me to my face I do not agree with your lifestyle but as long as my son is happy, then I am happy and I do not even have to ask him if he is happy as it shows. Case closed.
SFHarry
It is unrealistic to think the aunt and uncle could get away without taking a side. Sometimes you have no choice. In this case they chose between avoiding the mother’s wrath or the child’s homelessness. They chose avoiding the mother’s wrath. It may have been a difficult choice for them but they clearly made a choice.
cuteguy
Life is about choices. And this guy did right by choosing to surround himself with supportive ppl on his wedding day.
Dick Mayhem
Thank you. In their rotten treatment of their nephew, they DID pick a side. They chose to continue their relationships with his parents and let the nephew live on the streets.
Raphael
“Your real parents are so humiliated!”. If I were in his place, this would have given me immense joy.
scotty
plenty of schadenfreude to go around there eh
Toofie
No, he doesn’t owe them anything. It was their special day and he certainly doesn’t need people there who aren’t fully supportive.
cuteguy
Good for him. Blood or not, toxic is toxic. And he didn’t need that toxicity at his wedding. Good for him for enjoying his special day with his new.husband surrounded by positive energy. Like Ariana Grande said, Thank you, NEXT
MrMichaelJ
I was raised by an Evangelical mother who put her faith over her gay kid, teaching her kid gay people were going to hell. To this day it’s difficult to act as if that’s OK and what’s even more infuriating is having family members tell me I should just get over it whenever the topic, which it rarely does, comes up.
Vellala
Many here have doubts on the accuracy of the story. Anyway, hope that with time, sooner than later, the parents will accept the loving couple.
Raphael
The parents can drop dead, honestly.
dbmcvey
Why would they have doubts about the story? This happens somewhat often in extremely religious families.
winemaker
Just why should this young man feel guilty for not inviting his natural parents to his wedding when they don’t approve of his being gay? Someone with half a brain explain this. That said, this reminds me and I’m sure millions of others out there in similar situations or when the holidays roll around and you haven’t spoken to the unaccepting family all year all of a sudden they act like they saw you last week. You’re invited to the get together under the guise we’re family yada, yada, blah, blah. And at the get together there will always be that cousin or whoever that makes the occasion an ulcer and headache filled endurance test. And the tragic thing, you gave up being with your significant other or just being alone ( so you don’t have to endure the drama) thinking they just might be sincere and finally accepting you and you wasted another holiday catering to someone else’s drama and guilt.
TheMarc
Seen a lot of great reasonable comments and then some that are not so much. Bottomline, he gave them the chance to support him; they chose not to. And he chose to go with the family that chose him. Family is not always determined by blood. Some of us are lucky to have blood family that supported us and loved us unconditionally when we came out; others did not. Any obligations relative to keeping in touch, supporting (financially or emotionally,) or including in your life (weddings, children, etc.) are done when they rejected him because of something as innate as his sexual identity. So he had every right to NOT invite people who he wasn’t 100% sure if they would actually show up and support him on a day as important as his wedding. I mean they were SOOO afraid of supporting him and thus pissing off his parents before when he came out. So it’s logical to assume that they may have declined to attend to avoid any conflict, awkwardness, etc., with his parents. He may have been just trying to save them the stress of making a choice again.
daveku
who really cares? These generations need ‘acceptance’ to survive and validate their existence. Get over it… get over yourselves. So many people have come and gone before you, myself included, who have gone thru so much shit, that if the worst thing that happened to them happened to me, I would jump to the head of the line. Get over it. Move on.
white-queer-african
@daveku, i so feel for you. Why so much bottled up anger and bitterness? Get over it or get help!
ZzBomb
Everyone searches for inclusion and empathy, it’s called being human, something it appears you have failed at.
GuyintheSouth
You sound nice.
Fname Optional Lname
This person is only 28 and has some deep wounds – thrown out at 15 and sleeping on park benches. This is not the type of person who is looking for acceptance – he still feels guilt because his family made him feel like this was all his doing! “How dare you be gay and embarrass the family”! He moved on with his life and fell in love. I would say he’s been through it but come out far better than some would under those circumstances.
DBMC
Lots of people care, daveku. Because some people actually feel empathy and care about others.
dougie
Why would his family – even the aunt and uncle – even think that it’s the guy’s responsibility to do something to assuage his family’s guilt over how they treated him? If they feel guilty, they need to deal with it – he really can’t do anything about that.
LumpyPillows
You can’t legally throw out a 15 year old child. This does not make sense if social workers were involved as it stated.
DBMC
But a lot of people do. There are many, many LGBT (especially T) kids on the streets. This is why we need organizations like LGBT centers who are there to help them. This is why we need social workers. We don’t live in a world where parents never do something to harm children. This is why those school reporting laws are so dangerous.
ZzBomb
Boy this story sounds very similar to mine, tho never had been kicked out, I’ve had to literally drop one whole side of my family b/c of their racist, toxic, homophobic behavior. Recently was told by my mom that some have said they “miss having a relationship with me and that if my husband and I ever renew our vows,” (as we had a small private wedding to save for our house), “my Aunt _____ wanted to officiate it.” I told her that they were all dead to me and I want nothing more ever to do with any them. Growing up, my mother always told me, “you are the company you keep.” I threw that right back in her face regarding them and why I choose never to associate with people like them.
So I think 28 y/o newly wed should get on with his life in the family that has been there to support him and his husband. F*ck the rest of them. Family is so much more than blood.
duke4172
In this era of homophobia it is a shame how parents treat their gay children and 9 time out of 10 is is more from the shame of everyone else knowing that really irks the parents!
To the young man I say to hell with the family the minute you say I do you will have a new family “Your Husband” Enjoy life with him and build a bright future with him that your family will unfortunately miss out on Over the years I have cut ties with alot of my family for similar reasons and have never been happier! My partner and I just celebrated 17 years of being happily married!
In time if you decide to reach out to your family that decision should be yours and on your own terms and if the family does not accept your terms move on and do every thing you can to keep your significate others from being involved and getting abused by your family!
ShiningSex
Why should the family wonder? They don’t deserve to be invited. Even the fact that his Aunt didn’t want to take him in because that would be “choosing sides” is gross. F*ck the aunt too. IF my parents kicked me out, my grandparents and aunts/uncles would have taken me in. Thankfully when I came out at 15, my parents and siblings didn’t care. They never treated me differently nor did the rest of my family. All have always been supportive. I came out in the early 90s which was not as accepted as today might seem.
Fahd
Seems like a clear cut case here. Shame on his family for their behavior. Maybe if they do lots of stuff to try and make up for what they did (e.g. apologize profusely, promise to change their ways, buy him a summer home on the lake, etc. ), they can work on patching things up. As things are, I wouldn’t see any good reason for him to include them in his life, even if he “forgives” them. Payback is a motherf*cker, but this whole idea of mistreating gay teens has got to stop, yesterday.
Kangol2
This man’s parents are horrible and he did the right thing by barring them from his wedding. Celebrate with your constructed family and those blood relatives who support and affirm you.
Also, for those who do not believe teens (at 15 and even younger) are still being kicked out of their homes by hateful, anti-LGBTQ parents (when not sent to anti-gay conversation camps/counselors, etc.), just look at the stats, read the stories (more than a few become homeless/unhoused), and speak to people who work at the organizations that provide services for them, like Covenant House, Great Circle, etc.
johncp56
I was hoping it would end well. but the number hit me 15!!! I came out at ? 14 it was soft in the house I got the we love, by the time I was pre 18 I was not allowed to stay as my married siblings did in other famliy property, so that being said, if I read correctly I also would not give a rats ass if any of the family were Hurt!! hurt, that did not give him the time of day with excuses!! 15 years old and told you have no family, I can not write down if i do not want to get kicked off here , He and his husband will have a beautiful live with their new family,
best wishes to all that go through this, much love guys
John
scollingsworth
No. Just no. His biological family gave him up. He survived and now has a Chosen Family. That’s not unusual in our community. Any interactions with his biological family should be on his conditions. If they continue in their negativity cut them out. He has his real family, he doesn’t need them. There’s a quote from Torch Song Trilogy… Arnold tells his mother: “I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture – I can even pat myself on the back when necessary – all so I don’t have to ask anyone for anything. There’s nothing I need from anyone except for love and respect and anyone who can’t give me those two things has no place in my life.” That’s how we survive when our biological family rejects us. And there’s a reason we older Queers refer to the community as “family.”
GuyintheSouth
I was also kicked out and shunned at a young age. My childhood was filled with family, cousins (over thirty!), aunts, uncles, grandparents, love. That evaporated when I came out around 18 years old. I think the cousins who shunned me hurt even more than the older people doing it, I saw them as my peers, my friends, constant every day confidants, really everything. Also ended up briefly homeless and in some very scary situations. Luckily friends and such let me couch surf and such until I got on my feet. Met and later married the greatest, kindest, most loving man alive (over 35 years together now) For MANY years not a single cousin reached out at any point to offer help or say an encouraging word. At my mothers funeral 25 or more years later (paid for by yours truly by the way even though she was awful too) they were all there. To say seeing them hurt my heart doesn’t do it justice, just a sledgehammer of emotions. I will never not feel cheated out of what they all still take for granted. The one little consolation is that I worked super hard, did well, and made a shit ton of money (the “I will show them” syndrome I think) and most of them live hand to mouth to this day. No money doesn’t make up for the loss though it allows me a comfortable life in many other ways. A few of the cousins have communicated since (never once saying anything to acknowledge in any way the lost years or the rest and a few even wanted to “borrow” money!) but I don’t think it’s a thing I can ever forgive or get past so I don’t make any real effort. I look at photos of myself as a young decent man right before it all went down and at moments it’s as much trauma as it was over forty years ago. If it happens to you know you know you are in good company and you can thrive in spite of it.
nm4047
this reads like a mash up of the plot of so many hallmark TV films or shows.
JJinAus
There is more to life than DNA. Just move on. Seriously. Don’t let these pond scum make diminish you.
Fname Optional Lname
Good for him! The Aunt and Uncle want to convince themselves that they’re good people but when it comes down to it they consider him “less than” and he was absolutely correct by not inviting them. They complain about not being invited to his wedding but when it comes down to it – if he had invited them they’re exactly the type of people who would not take a photo at the wedding with him and his husband because it would be like they are “choosing sides” or rubbing it in his parent’s face. The day is not about them and their un-supportive support.
DBMC
This is exactly the danger of those laws where teachers have to inform parents about their children. This is why there is so much homelessness among LGBT (especially T) youth.
I wasn’t kicked out of my home but my brothers and sisters made clear they didn’t approve of me. I didn’t invite any of the ones who had expressed disapproval to my wedding. I didn’t need them there and didn’t want to allow them to make a scene.
I’m also disgusted by the aunt and uncle who did nothing to help but expect him to just go on as if nothing had happened.
DBMC
His “real” parents deserve to be humiliated and don’t deserve to be call his “real” parents. His inlaws have stepped up and they deserve that honor.