Party’s Over, People! A Homo’s Hangover Guide

Hey, hey everybody! We’re at the end of the holidays and you’re probably wondering how your editor managed to travel to five states in two weeks, entertain his family, buy presents and still entertain his favoritest people on the whole wide Earth, you Dear Readers. The answer? Booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Alas, with the new year beginning and life returning to some semblance of normalcy, it’s time to return to some semblance of sobriety. Come Monday, you’ll go back to reading us on your bosses dime and we’ll go back to our regular old snarky/fun/perky self. To get all of us back into functioning shape, here’s our favorite hangover cures, presented here in convenient (for me!) phoning-it-in, short list form, in descending order of effectiveness:

Basically, this is really all you need to worry about, people. A hangover is basically a headache caused by dehydration. If you drink water before, during and after your binging, you stand a much better chance of surviving in the morning. A good rule is a glass of water for every drink you have. That’s basically all there is to it, but hey, water is pretty boring. Let’s spice up these cures a bit.

Prickly Pear Extract
One of the few scientifically proven hangover cures, prickly pear extract consumed before drinking was clinically proven in 2004, according to a study, to “alleviate symptoms such as dry mouth and that nauseated, can’t-stand-the-sight-of-food feeling.” You’ll still have a headache, though.

Hey, it’s like water, but has electrolytes in it, too! And it comes in flavors like “Fierce Melon,” which is just the sort of stab at gay slang talk we want from our sports drinks.

Crazy Folk Hijinks
In Ireland “a cure for a hangover is to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand.” In Poland, you drink pickle juice. Pliny the Elder recommended raw owls eggs and the Elizabethans suggested consuming a pair of eels suffocated in wine. Of course, these are exactly the sorts of things I suggest when someone asks me for hangover cures, but this is because I enjoy encouraging people to do stupid things and taking advantage of the weakened mental faculties of my hungover friends. Something to keep in mind next time your friend suggests curing your hangover by sticking jalapeño juice in your eye.

Ah, the “hair of the dog.” This is the oldest hangover cure in the book. Of course, it’s not really a cure so much as just getting drunk all over again. Which is fun and all until you wind up passed out in a gutter with no clothes. At which point, you have bigger problems than being hungover.