Pat Chance

Penile Conception Is The Only Way Pat Robertson Will Shut The Hell Up

Pat Robertson has been the scourge of the LGBT community — and the progress of mankind — for the past, oh, 800 years, but yesterday he revealed just what would inspire him to change his tune.

“I defy these homosexuals to bring forth a baby from that part of the anatomy which they concentrate on, when that happens I will change everything I’m saying [Ed. note: does this count?]. Until that happens, I wish those [Chick-fil-A] demonstrators would shut their mouth.”

Don’t worry, Pat…the feeling’s mutual.

Check out Robertson’s sermon on the 700 Club mount below:

Source: ThinkProgress

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  • J Bruner

    He’ll be dead soon and then we can breathe easier.

  • Ogre Magi

    @J Bruner: There are millions more just like him

  • cam

    Ok so a list of Pat’s Past.

    1. First they say that homosexuality isn’t legit because it doesn’t lead to children.
    a. Gays point out that there are plenty of infertile hetrosexual couples

    2. Then they claim homosexuality isn’t natural because it doesn’t happen in Nature
    a. Researchers point out that it is very common among animals

    3. Next they claim that Homosexuality is base and goddless BECAUSE it happens in Nature
    a. They back off on this because it shows being gay is inate not learned

    4. And now, having run out of new attacks, go back to the origional (Can’ have kids).
    a. Do they think we’ve forgotten they already tried and failed with this one?

  • Hyhybt

    He should be Romney’s running mate.

    Appealing characteristics for the position:

    *Older, white man (important among some portions of their base)

    *Already well-known (so you don’t get a bunch of distractions like the business about Palin’s hunting from helicopters or firing a librarian)


    *Christian, not Mormon (again, important to some parts of the base, especially those who can only go for Romney’s being Mormon by convincing themselves that Obama’s a Muslim)

    *Tendency, occasionally, to say weird things (better the VP, as with the current presidency or the first Bush’s, than the president himself as with Bush II)

    He should make everybody happy. And by everybody, I don’t mean all at the same time. Republicans should be happy because they’ve got all their checkboxes ticked, and Democrats because there’s no way he’d win the election.

  • Kev C

    Could you be more specific, Pat? That part of the anatomy? Did you mean ass? Don’t lie with a man as with a woman? How about standing up? Coy and vague language is not a basis of good law.

  • Janus

    @cam: Well said!

  • labman57

    I always have to heave a sigh and roll my eyes whenever self-proclaimed Christians indignantly declare that gay marriage defies “the word of God”. This argument is both cowardly and disingenuous — using biased interpretations of cherry-picked biblical passages to justify their brand of social intolerance and religious self-righteousness.

    The reason why some people are so opposed to gay marriage — and all of the rights and benefits that come with a marriage certificate — is because the thought of homosexuals expressing physical affection for one another totally repulses them, and the notion that such a relationship could be officially sanctioned through marriage pours salt into the wound of their prejudice.

    The argument that gays should be satisfied with civil unions because it provides most of the same protections as marriage is akin to suggesting that blacks shouldn’t care whether they are required to sit in the back of the bus, since all of the passengers will arrive at the same destination.

    The argument that marriage is intended by God for couples that can and will procreate is equally absurd, for then the law should restrict couples from marrying if one or both members are infertile, or are beyond child-bearing age, or if they have refused to contractually agree to procreate.

    Those people who are so adamant that gays be denied the right to marry are the same types of people who would have expressed outrage in the 1950s and 1960s when the validity of interracial marriage was being debated. Hatred toward gays is simply their “flavor of the month”.

  • B

    Well, let’s take Robertson up on it! Hint: the word “homosexuals” covers both gays and lesbians. So, all we need is a lesbian who decided to get pregnant via artificial insemination in a clinical setting or the “traditional” turkey baster. Now, we all know what Robertson meant, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hold him to what he actually said.

    Also, Robertson doesn’t know his own Bible – the last sentence of Levicitus (Leviticus 27:34) states, “These are the commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses for the children of Israel in mount Sinai.” I.e., Leviticus contains rules for Jews in the distant past, and applies to no one else. Let’s see him explain that one away.

    His best shot is to pass it all off as a “senior moment.”

  • Alexi3

    The saddest thing about the evolution of Pat Robertson’s message is that there was a time, even as late as the 1970’s when he delivered spiritualy edifying lessons on how to live the Christian faith to believers. Then in the run-up to the 1980 Presidential election that swept Ronald Reagan into power he started to mix religion and politics until he reached the point where being Republican and being Christian became synonomous. Ever since he’s lost more and more credibility amongst the general population and even among other evangelicals and charasmatics who have come to believe that this mixture of religion and politics is a losing proposition; gaining temporal power at the expense of the Kingdom of God. Something any thinking beliver can see is a bad bargain. On his present course he will not be viewed in a favorable light even by religious historians. I find this a shame as he could have been the force for good in the world he started out to be instead of the buffoon into which he’s made himself.

  • Hyhybt

    @B: He’s been having this particular kind of “senior moment” so long they used to be called junior moments.

  • B

    Re No 10: Yes, but he hasn’t used the “senior moment” excuse ever. Probably he forgot.

  • Andreas Lights

    Firstly, quoting and applying Levitican Law out of context–without calling for death by stoning for non-virginal brides or for husbands who mount one of their property-wives whilst she is in her monthly cycle–calling for death for homosexuals is down right cherry-picking hypocritical. Secondly, both partners in a same-sex marriage are individually just as able to have children as their opposite-sex-spouse counterparts. The only functional difference is that all the time children are born accidentally, unexpectedly, and often imprudently in straight marriages (and outside them as well–) In same-sex coupling, children are all planned and therefore advantaged. Together we can make aging out of the child welfare system without a forever home a thing of the past, along with what I call Gaypartheid.

  • drewe

    why does this d.o.u.c.h.e. always look like he’s taking a huge s.h.i.t??

  • Billysees

    @Alexi3: Re 9

    Very well said.

    And he’s not the only famous person who could have been a force for good.

    I think that when the need for money is so great and so necessary for the survival of a TV or radio ministry, it becomes absolutely necessary to appeal to a certain body of contributors who’ll send you their money. Fundamentalists are the only ones I know that’ll do that.

    Therefore, he “must” say what these people want to hear in order to remain.

    Sadly, only their views get expressed and talked about.

    I do wonder what they really think if they were to be absolutely honest without fear of consequences.

  • Alex

    The chicken sammich didn’t do anything to me. The $5 million donated did.

  • SebastianWilMa

    Yeah…& Pat Robertson’s father was pro-segregation, meaning all Pat’s hatred is rooted in his father’s hatred of social change. Also, the father was Episcopalian. So, poor Pat has to know the religion he was born into & his father a life-long member was as close to Catholic as can be & that religion is now the most progressive. Just look at his co-host’s face in this video. She looks like she’d rather be back home sipping tea (or a cocktail) while he talks about anal sex. Maybe if Mrs. Pat gave him a blowjob he wouldn’t be…such a tightass???

  • NateOcean

    “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”

    OK, Pat. I promise not to fuck any men in their vaginas.

    Oh, and I won’t fuck any women in their asses.

  • Schlukitz

    As if God has nothing else to do but concern himself with where a man sticks his penis.

    And if he does concern himself with that, this kinda makes a statement about his own repressed/unacknowledged sexual leanings.

    Ya think?

  • Cam



  • Robert in NYC

    So for the sake of argument, what would he say about a lesbian and a gay man having “traditional” and producing a child together, knowing they are both gay?

  • Robert in NYC

    @Robert in NYC: …having traditional sex….

  • Chris-MI

    Why is it that these douches never want to talk about straight people having anal? There are far more straight women than gay men in the world and a substantial number of them have anal. Based on sheer numbers there are far more straight men concentrating on “that part of the anatomy.”

  • Robert in NYC

    @Chris-MI: I agree. There’s an even increasing frequency of hetero anal sex in porn flics too. I know several straight married men who want to do it but their wives won’t allow them. I wonder why Robertson hasn’t said anything about oral sex?

  • NateOcean

    @Robert in NYC: Oral Robertson?

  • Daez

    @J Bruner: True evil never dies, it just changes forms.

  • Robert in NYC

    @NateOcean: Too funny!

  • Daez

    @Schlukitz: What if god was gay like us!?!

  • Hyhybt

    @Chris-MI: You’re expecting logic from Pat Robertson?

  • Macmantoo

    @drewe: I was going to say the same thing. Must really be having some pain back there.

  • B

    No. 17 · Schlukitz wrote, “As if God has nothing else to do but concern himself with where a man sticks his penis.”

    It’s even funnier if you compare the volume of the visible universe to the volume of a penis, erect or flaccid.

    As hints for an estimate:

    The universe is about 13.7 billion years old. Light travels at 1 light year per year and a light year is just a tad under 10 to the 16 meters. The volume of a sphere is 4 pi / 3 times the radius cubed.

    “God” being concerned about a man’s penis would be way more extreme than a man worrying about the (approximate) position of every electron in his body.

    Robertson subscribes to the “God as a micro-manager with a vengence” theology!

  • Schlukitz


    Excellent analogy.

  • Charles

    @Alexi3: I agree whole heartedly. This bozo and the like are undoing what Christianity is supposed to be all about.

  • Billysees

    Here’s something I saw a while back.

    It’s really interesting and it’ll cause you to think.

    And it’ll also help explain that rash of comments from Baptist, Salvation Army, and other religious personnel recommending that gays be “executed” and other such punishments.

    I guess it’s kinda fun and attention getting for these fundamentalists to make such recommendations. But…if we are the sinners they say we are, then “why” didn’t they remember the words of Jesus about “casting the first stone”.

    The answer, I believe, is that those types of words calm the anger and hate within people and fundamentalists don’t want that to happen.

    What a shame that Christian fundamentalism appears to be an enemy of a maturing civilization.
    “Protestantism represented St. Paul’s victory over St. Peter. Fundamentalism represented St. Paul’s victory over Christ. ”
    – Will Durant ( an American writer, historian, and philosopher ), from “Caesar and Christ”

  • JayHobeSound

    Pat Robertson speaking is like a monkey flinging poo – both pulled from azz and tossed.

  • Neo

    True evil never really dies, but when Robertson does it will be so, so sweet. What a horrible man, humanity is better without him.

  • B

    No. 32 · Billysees wrote, “But…if we are the sinners they say we are, then “why” didn’t they remember the words of Jesus about “casting the first stone”.” They probably saw the following video and couldn’t stop laughing whenever anyone said anything about casting stones: .

  • Billysees

    @B: Re 35

    That was cute. Lol…lol.

    Thanks for the bit of humor.

Comments are closed.