Contrary to popular belief, New York City may not be as tolerant of LGBTQ people as many like to believe. At least according to blogger Connor Borden.
In a new op-ed titled PDA Is a Straight Privilege, Borden explains why there’s still work to be done when it comes to fully accepting LGBTQ people into society, even in a place as liberal and open-minded as Manhattan.
Related: Gay Man Stabbed On A New York Subway In Suspected Hate Crime
“Public displays of affection are a privilege,” Borden writes. “Although the mentality and attitudes toward the queer community are rapidly changing in some parts of the world, including the United States, it is still unsafe for gay people to hold hands.”
And before you get to thinking New York doesn’t apply here, Borden suggests otherwise.
“I have friends who have been harassed and verbally abused for sitting side by side with their same-sex significant other,” he writes. “This is simply not a concern for straight folks, though many choose not to engage in public displays of affection due to the threat of light shaming. In queer relationships, however, it’s the threat of violence.”
And he’s right. New York City is no stranger to antigay attacks. In 2013, a long string of hate crimes were committed against members of the LGBTQ community over the course of just a few months. And there have been many more since then.
Related: Gay Couple Beaten By Mob Of Six For Holding Hands In New York City
“Behind every glance, touch and smile directed at a partner lies a looming fear of public retribution,” Borden writes, “and this toxic stress from simply loving someone can be overwhelming.”
He goes on to acknowledge that while not every gay couple has suffered from harassment at the hands of homophobes, “we do not have the privilege of worry-free interaction. … Straight people have every right to play tonsil hockey on the sidewalk, and no one should feel guilty for doing so.”
So what can be done about this?
For starters, Borden says, same-sex PDA must be “normalized.”
Related: WATCH: Alleged LGBT Hate Crime Filmed On New York City Subway During Pride
“I’m not asking that every straight person in New York stop doing their thing,” he writes. “But the straight NYU students who choose to sit on each other’s laps in dining halls and give hickeys to each other in study lounges could consider their impact and recognize their privilege.”
He concludes by saying, “As a community trying to create a positive and uplifting environment for all students, becoming conscious of the effect of one’s actions is a step in the right direction.”
What do you think? Are public displays of affection a privilege enjoyed primarily by heterosexual couples? Share your thoughts in the comments below…
Xzamilloh
Why don’t we instead just go after straight PDA? No one needs to see how much people love each other. Unless they’ve put it on Xtube, and then it’s not PDA… it’s porn. I’m asking every straight person in New York to stop doing their thing. Every gay person, too… what’s wrong with holding hands, and saving the heavy petting for the privacy of your own home?
Xzamilloh
Unless, you’re a hot couple. Then it’s a public service and your bravery should be rewarded with praise.
jdboston617
@Xzamilloh: Sorry… that’s kinda lame. I love seeing tenderness between people. Yeah, sometimes I AM jealous since I know if my bf and I kiss or hold hands in a lot of areas there’s a high chance I’m getting unwanted stares or worse, so we don’t. But I’m not going to burn down a barn for everyone else just because of a few a$$holes haven’t caught-up. Eventually they will.
As long as people aren’t engaging in over the top foreplay, live and let live. Demonizing intimacy/sex is what has lead to so many of our problems. Hugs4days.
Xzamilloh
@jdboston617: Oh, shut up. Don’t even pretend like I’m “demonizing intimacy/sex”… I don’t personally like PDA. The end. Fuck as many people as you want… spread mono and herpes to your heart’s content. But, I don’t any reason why a couple needs to be all over each other in public. And I’m not thinking of the children…. to hell with them. I’m talking about ME. Don’t do things that make me uncomfortable… change your routine to suit my discomfort.
(I’m joking if you haven’t caught on. I don’t like it, but people can do what they want)
Sukhrajah
@Xzamilloh: I get that you are joking, but you also missed the point, a smidgen. The reality is that fear; of being attacked, of being harmed, of being perceived as ‘different’ or a ‘threat’ – is preventing people from freely and openly expressing themselves. It’s an American tragedy considering how prime that freedom of expression is.
I understand what you are saying – most PDA is actually quite, yuck. That said, seeing two men holding hands (at least in the West) actually makes me feel secure, and reminds me of my freedom. In the East – intimacy between male friends is queerly deeper, and often in ways that would be seen as ‘queer’ in the West. Case in point – it’s not uncommon to see male friends (from Saudi Arabia, to Soeul) holding hands in public (when walking). Even greetings are significantly more ‘sterile’ in the West. In the East, a hug is mandatory if the person is known to you, and kissing on the cheek, a formal greeting in even the very conservative Arab epochs of society. The perverse truth, though – is that these intimacies exist, predicated on the idea that homosexuality does and can not. Do homosexual relationships happen? Certainly. Openly? Not without great cost, including the ultimate. What’s the crime? Caring.
I arranged the two contrasts to demonstrate that “PDA” is defined by the cultural mores and current interpretation of said ideas. Despite not liking it – you have the right attitude; support that people can do what they feel right to do. For the majority of Humanity – we’re still dreaming of that day…
Hank
of course it is a privilege of straights, where I live there are many stories of gay couples who are verbally or physically abused just because of walking holding hands and driven out of public places by cuddling, like any straight couples do, and it never happens with straights.
Me2
Hmm… the only time the gay community is interested in creating a positive and uplifting environment for all, is when they’re somehow excluded. But as long as gays are included and treated as equals, the oppression and mistreatment of others seems to not matter as much.
Bauhaus
Yes.
Masc Pride
Can’t really recall ever seeing any PDA between two guys, and I live fairly close to a gayborhood. Judgment and fear are probably parts of why gay PDA seems rare, but I also think two guys will handle things differently than a male-female couple or even a female-female couple. There are just differences between the ways men and women express affection
Next time you’re out on the street and see a hetero couple holding hands, just jovially ask them which of them grabbed the other’s hand first. The woman will most likely be the one who initiated the hand holding. Women like to hold hands, link arms, etc. Guys tend to lean more towards buying things for their SO(s).
Paul Nadolski
I have seen any number of straight couples just about having sex on the CTA and Metra trains in Chicago. It’s really quite disgusting most of the time. But people don’t seem to have a problem with that. However, I’m sure I got a LOT of dirty looks that time I was walking through the south Loop with a guy on my arm.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
Yes. Even in gay areas, gays get accosted physically or verbally for showing affection publicly. My attitude towards guns has changed solely because of that. I think it’s wise for gay men to carry. Not pressuring anybody into anything or compromising their beliefs – but in my opinion, it’s wise.
jdboston617
@Xzamilloh: Sorry, I didn’t realize you were joking because your comments lacked humor.
crowebobby
@Masc Pride: Except in several African societies where straight male friends have walked together with their pinkie fingers linked from as far back as anyone knows . . . except when U.S. troops have been stationed there, then they stop until the troops leave (because our boys don’t approve of it) and begin again once they’re gone. For the record, I don’t like to see conspicuous PDA between anyone, but that’s my New England Puritan upbringing coming through.
Xzamilloh
@jdboston617: That’s okay. I forgive you. Just make sure it didn’t happen again.
Xzamilloh
DOESN’T happen again. Whew… horrible grammar and bad jokes. I’m on a roll today.
Randall
I’ve never believed in hiding. If people live in fear, the haters win. I’ve been out for almost half my life, and have proudly held hands with boyfriends (and now my husband) in places as random as the supermarket in Utah, the streets of Italian villages, and yes–the center of the universe: NYC’s streets and subways. We walk tall and proud, and have never had any problems. I have been cautious in a few locations around the world, but rarely in the USA or Canada. One of the best things I ever did was stop avoiding questions about my personal life when I worked in the oil patch. I started letting people know my spouse was a husband, and even the butch-as-hell rig pigs treated me with great respect. People become less uncomfortable about us the more they know us. I believe the only way we ever gain our rights is to claim them, because they are OUR RIGHTS.
Guy068
Damn skippy there’s a double standard. The only intolerance or violence I’ve seen since moving to Phoenix was the gay bashing because on the way out of the store one man kissed his partner on the cheek. The straights can indulge in massive foreplay but one little peck led to bloodshed…
Brian
New York’s breeders are not as open-minded as some might think.
Female breeders see male-male PDA’S as a threat to women in general – it represents male power, don’t forget.
Male breeders see male-male PDA’s as a nefarious attempt to seduce them away from women – ie to convert them.
In any case, PDA’s tend to be grossly disrespectful. By all means, get a room.
startenout
#PinkLivesMatter
Jack Meoff
PDA’s that go beyond hand holding or a hug or a quick peck on the cheek or lips make me a little uncomfortable regardless of whether they are a straight or gay couple. Straight people do however seem to get away with more demonstrative PDA’s than gays do and it does need to be equal. Groping and heavy make out sessions in public is not OK for anyone. It shows disrespect for those around you as well as disrespect for your partner and yourself as well. Be better than that.
Adalwolf
Maybe I’m lucky since I live in San Francisco, but me and my boyfriend have no hesitation to engage in TONS of PDA anywhere we go. The Tenderloin, the Mission, Golden Gate Park, on the MUNI. Pretty much every stop light either in the car or on foot. And it’s way beyond a quick peck or hug, for sure. People come up to us and make comments all the time and they’ve always been positive. I’m not going to let fear keep me from expressing affection for my boy. (He’s half my age.) And maybe, others might feel a little more comfortable doing so after seeing us. WE surely don’t mean to disrespect anyone or make anyone uncomfortable.
Bauhaus
@Randall:
Awesome. Living out is empowering.
SnakeyJ
This is opinion, not fact. Someone’s observation. Someone would have to do an actual study to determine this. A lot of people don’t like public displays of affection regardless of who it is. Straight or gay. Not saying gays wouldn’t get more swears, but i think straight couples would still get many. We’ve come a long way, why do people keep insisting that we (gays) still have a ton of work to do? it’s now just a learning curve.
girldownunder
Of course gay couples will be attacked.
This is the most progressive country on the planet.
US laws protect everyone, but we cop it.
The USA is dangerous.
Brian
@Adalwolf: But aren’t those suburban areas all “gay” areas? I mean, have you ever gone out to non-gay areas to see how people would react to your PDA’s?
Masc Pride
@crowebobby: Yes, but you said that they’re straight. What you’ve described isn’t gay PDA, just a cultural difference.
MediaGuy
@Adalwolf: You nasty old fag. “And it’s way beyond a quick peck or hug, for sure”. So daddy, you’re just throwing it in peoples faces. It’s all about you hanging out with a kid. Attention whore. “People come up to us and make comments all the time”. Why would you want to attract all that attention? Oh, I get it, “(He’s half my age.)”. Seriously, you’re doing more harm than good. And, making an (old) fool of yourself in public. Your PDA would make me wretch. I’m sure your “boy” appreciates your money. And, no, I’m not jealous. I don’t want to date a 14.5 year old. You nasty old fart.
davidjohng
@Me2: And how is that self interest different from any other community?
Adalwolf
@MediaGuy: I’m assuming you’re 29 and that’s how we got to the 14.5 year old. My boy’s 27 and he initiates it as often as I do. Those comments are unsolicited and it’s not done to attract attention. It’s simply an expression of affection. I really don’t see the harm and money has nothing to do with it.
Adalwolf
@Brian: As far as Mountain View or Emeryville might be considered non-gay areas. I think I’d have to go pretty far from SF to really qualify, so I’d say the answer is no. I’m just having fun. And, I’ve always thought that bringing things out into the open (cf. HIV/AIDS, legal marijuana etc.) is a better path to acceptance than fear and hiding.
garthjosen
I personally don’t find holding hands cute in any kind of couple. What are we 12? I do kiss my husband good bye at the train station and when we meet again in the afternoon. Of course, I do live in Scarsdale, NY where most people would consider physical violence beneath them. And don’t mention the Scarsdale doctor murder. Those were freaks. Every now and then we get a mean look, but nothing terrible. However, we are careful in other areas where we feel we could be in danger.
MediaGuy
@garthjosen: You said: “Scarsdale, NY where most people would consider physical violence beneath them”. Until of course you and your liberal husband vote for Hillary and she settles some of her Syrian Muslim friends right next to where you live. Then we’ll see if violence is beneath your neighbors. Something tells me you’ll be hearing from them shortly after they arrive. Good luck with that. You did it to yourselves.
MediaGuy
@Adalwolf: Oh yeah, money has nothing to do with it. But maybe immigration does. Now I get it. I guarantee your “boy” (how cute), is not American born. Is he?
Adalwolf
@MediaGuy: He was born and raised a corn feed Midwestern boy near the Great Lakes. Our incomes are nearly equal so…there’s no economic dependence or manipulation here.
Adalwolf
@Randall: You’re the real hero here ;+)
ErikO
Nope.
Adalwolf
Maybe if MediaGuy had had the had the help of an older, more experienced mentor, he might not have turned out to see this world, the people in it and this experience as so horrible.
Adalwolf
@ErikO: Nope to what