Penises Secure After Sorcerers Nabbed

Men, your penises are safe.

We have been informed, via The Daily Show and Kenneth in The 212, that Congolese police have arrested thirteen men accused of using black magic to shrink rivals’ rods.

The African nation’s Penis Theft Advisory Level has been reduced, but authorities remind us to always keep an eagle eye and/or a firm grip on our penises, lest they be snatched away.

Someone else can keep that grip, as well, but only if you need both your hands for other activities.