GRIDIRON GODS

PHOTOS: Thirteen Football Studs To Look Out For On Super Bowl Sunday

Given how much the gays have been tweeting and Facebooking their excitement about this coming Sunday’s Super Bowl, you’d think the game was just a warmup for Madonna‘s halftime show.

But though Madge might “bring the gay” on Sunday, there’s plenty of other reasons for us to watch—namely all the brawny babes running around and smashing into each other for our amusement.

Not to say that one can’t be a homosexual and appreciate the game of football. There are plenty out fellas who fully understand that “bump and run” and “hole number” are are actual football terms.

But considering the number of people who just watch the game for the commercials and the population that will now be tuning to catch the legendary halftime show, I thought it might be helpful to call out a few additional hot highlights.

Queerty’s already looked at the Super Bowl’s queer history so I pulled myself away from my daily search through the gay inmate profiles on WriteAPrisoner.com to cull the choicer physical specimens from both the Patriots and the Giants for your viewing pleasure.

Click through to learn who the tastiest gridiron gods are at this year’s Super Bowl

Image via Idris and Tony Photography

Aaron Hernandez, New England Patriots

Did y’all catch that clip of Aaron Hernandez eating a piece of chicken? Not only am I thrilled I can finally legitimately work “hot-ass Puerto Rican tight end” into a conversation this weekend, but have you seen the guns on that man? The ones covered in tats, half of which are dedicated to his dead father? Does it get much hotter and simultaneously “awww”-inducing than that?

Hernandez is more than just finger lickin’ good; I’d swallow the whole hand and forearm.

Image via Aaron Frutman

Chad Ochocinco, New England Patriots

I’ve had my eye on Chad Ochocinco since he was doing the cha-cha on Dancing With The Stars and embarrassed 85 women in his own VH1 show, Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.

Yes, he might talk too damn much—and sure it’s annoying that his fake Spanish last name isn’t even translated correctly.  But even without considering his undeniable good looks, Ochocinco’s boyish sense of humor and his ongoing, mostly cocky attempt to prove how versatile and skilled he is is pretty endearing. Not only is he a celebrated wide receiver for the Pats, but he can hold his own in a game of soccer, has ridden a bull in a professional rodeo event and once even tried to prove he could outrace a racehorse.

Plus, I like an exhibitionist that plays the slots in his underwear.

Images via Chad Ochocinco and New England Patriots

Antwaun Molden, New England Patriots

As someone who regularly rocks a soul patch (I shudder with shame even typing out the words “soul patch”) I’m not really one to talk, but normally I don’t like when guys have their beards grown out to look like an overgrown patch of pubic hair.

Ignoring what the eloquent folks at Urban Dictionary would refer to as a “chussy” (definition three), I love Antwaun Molden’s gentle face, kind eyes and the fact that, even when his mouth is closed, he somehow always looks like he’s about to break out into a wide grin.

Image via New England Patriots

Julian Edelman, New England Patriots

The Patriots’ 25-year-old wide receiver used to have a really beautiful head of long hair. Not awkwardly long like the bangs of Giants’ players Chase Blackburn or Bear Pascoe—or long and unruly like the hair of Giants’ defensive end Justin Trattou—but long and lustrous, like Eva Mendes. And anyone who has ever heard Regina Spektor’s “Samson” or watched Felicity until Keri Russell chopped her locks off, knows that over-aggressive shearing can be a devastating game-changer.

But despite buzzing off his manly mane, Julian Edelman still manages to hang on to his A-plus grade for gorgeousness.

Last November, Edelman’s attractiveness temporarily declined when he was arrested for grabbing a girl’s crotch underneath her Halloween costume, but the charges were later dropped. Julian, if your hands are ever feeling antsy or lonely, you’re more than welcome to reach under my costume any time you please.

Images via Julian Edelman and New England Patriots

Tom Brady, New England Patriots

Yeah, Tom Brady is definitely attractive, but doesn’t some of that attractiveness remind you of when everyone in high school thought that one guy was so totally hot because the prettiest girl in school slept with him? And actually actuality he was only sorta, like, semi-hot?

Okay, I blame Gisele Bundchen for as much as I can get away with, but I’m still convinced knowing Brady gets to sleep with her elevates his hotness in most people’s eyes.

Mind you, it is certainly quite hot that Tom Brady holds so many football records and that he’s reportedly the league’s highest-paid player in the game. It doesn’t matter to me if he’s slowly losing his hair as the folically fascinated folks at the National Enquirer believe. Or that he doesn’t quite have the body that his younger teammate Rob Gronkowski does. It really doesn’t

And, besides, who doesn’t love when boys have those big flat, sexy noses that look strong and wide enough that you could balance on them?

Ultimately, Brady’s a touch too all-American looking to be my ideal football fantasy man. But I certainly wouldn’t say no if I found him in my bed—ideally without a pair of contractually obligated Uggs on.

Images via Tom Brady

Ahmad Bradshaw, New York Giants

No, I don’t like the Giants’ running back because he and the heroine of Sex and the City share the same last name. Come on now.

I like Ahmad Bradshaw because he fills my mind with wanton fantasies and has a bit of a bad-boy streak.

In 2008, Bradshaw was jailed because of a probation violation associated with an undisclosed juvenile offense. (So mysterious!) In college he was arrested for underage drinking and running from the police and, later, after switching to another school, he was charged with larceny for stealing another student’s PlayStation.

Though stealing someone’s PlayStation isn’t exactly as dangerously exciting as robbing a bank or pilfering diamonds, it at least shows that he likes to have fun, right?

Image via New York Giants

David Carr, New York Giants

Although David Carr seems like a very specific name, before I heard of the Giants quarterback I knew of two other David Carrs.

One David Carr was the British printer who scientists believe may have been the first person to die of AIDS, way back in 1959. I know, not exactly the most titillating anecdote in a survey of Super Bowl hotties, but there you have it. Another David Carr—this one living—is a writer at The New York Times. Very witty fellow, but not exactly a gridiron Adonis.

Then I find out that there’s a David Carr on the Giants—a guy I’m convinced would cause my clothes to evaporate if I caught him in any state of undress in the locker room.

Though I’ve definitely gone to bed with men because I’ve been dazzled by their big meaty brains, I’d have to pick David Carr of the Giants over the Carr of the Times. Not to say that Carr of the Giants couldn’t pen his own column for The Times, but frankly, who cares?

Image via BrokenSphere

Brandon Jacobs, New York Giants

Besides having a one-time rivalry with Ahmad Bradshaw, this beefy running back has a bit of a temper: During a game in 2010, Jacobs threw his helmet into the stands and almost clocked some innocent spectators.

In November 2011, Jacobs got steamed about New York fans booing the Giants after they got whupped by the Eagles, saying “the best thing they do here is boo.” As a new fan, let me assure you, Mr. Jacobs, I can do way better than boo, Boo.

While I don’t love a man prone to meltdowns, it’s hard to say no to a man with a fiery ‘tude and strapping bod to match.

Image via NY Giants

Eli Manning (left) and Mario Manningham (right), New York Giants

Eli Manning? Not my type. He’s probably one of the most famous ballers in the game right now, and has a certain goofy charm, but how hard is it to be a star when every single member of your family plays the game? And he looks so white bread you could smear marshmallow fluff on him. Not that I want to.

Now, Manningham? Yes please! The 25-year-old isn’t as celebrated as the Giants’ other players but he’s known for pulling out the stops late in the game. “Swallow your pride and just know what you’re here for,” Manningham told the Shreveport Times earlier this week.

Okay, so he was talking about playing third fiddle to wide receivers Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks. but I just like the way it sounds.

Images via New York Giants: Eli Manning (left) and Mario Manningham  (right)

Tyler Sash, New York Giants

I first liked Tyler Sash because I read that his parents were named Mike and Barney and I assumed they were gay men. By the time I learned Barney was a woman—though I still think that’s like calling your son Jessica—I was already securely on Team Tyler.

Images via New York Giants and Tyler Sash

Devin Thomas, New York Giants

Here are seven things you might want to know about Devin Thomas:

1. He’s a wide receiver (apparently that’s a position in football, too)

2. He’s a Scorpio.

3. He’s part African-American, part Native American.

4. He has a  two-year-old son. (Cue the sound of me melting.)

5. He thinks that the Three Cheese Chicken Penne at Applebee’s is “bangin,” or at least he did when he tweeted about it on September 20

6. Among his many tattoos is a giant drawing of Goku from Dragon Ball-Z on his back. (Well, it’s probably better that he’s not totally perfect.)

7.  He was recently Essence’s “Eye Candy of the Week.” (which I think is criminally too short of a reign for such a fine specimen.)

Images via Idris & Tony

Prince Amukamara, New York Giants

This cornerback of Nigerian descent isn’t actually royalty, but Prince Amukamara has the most beautiful lips in the NFL.

I’d say that I daydreamed what it would feel like having those lips delicately graze every square centimeter of every surface on my body while Des’ree’s “Kissing You” plays from the Romeo + Juliet soundtrack plays in the background, but that would just sound creepy, wouldn’t it?

Sigh, if only this Prince was a queen…

Image via ESPN International YouTube: Prince Amukamara Workout

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