We’re breaking down the stats that nobody else will: The hottest damn men on the field (or on the bench) every Sunday and Monday (and sometimes Thursday) for the fall and winter months. C’mon, it’s a game where beefy men with bulging muscles ram into each other for sport, so we knew we needed to look at all the hotties from each and every team in both divisions. There are two, people: The AFC (American Football Conference) and the NFC (National Football Conference). The Tom Bradys and Mark Sanchezes of the world get all the attention and adulation, so we’re looking beyond pretty-boy-QBs and checking the full line-up for a diverse groups of delicious gridiron grunters. Heard of Fantasy Football? Yeah, this is our version. And we’ve learned, apparently we have a thing for Safeties…who knew? In our first installment, enjoy the men of the AFC.
New England Patriots
Danny Amendola / #80 / Wide Receiver
He may be new to the Pats’ roster this year, but we are already playing very close attention to his every beautiful (sigh) move.
Dorin Dickerson / #42 / Tight End, Fullback
Stop snickering at his positions, and take a look at those guns!
Reshad Jones / #20 / Free Safety
The team picked him up for a mere $29 million-something for four years. Yeah, we can’t afford him, so we’ll just admire from afar.
New York Jets
Dawan Landry / #26/ Safety
Maybe he’s not quite as smoking-in-hell-hot as his older brother (see Colts) but this former Baltimore Ravens can still crush us with those biceps any old day.
Dane Sanzenbacher / #11 / Wide Receiver
He’s got the older, wiser (?) slightly scruffier Zac Efron thing going on, and we’re okay with that.
Jordan Cameron / #84 / Wide Receiver
Not everything is as hot in Cleveland as Cameron, and since he’s about as All-American as they come (if you’re into that sort of thing), we say, “Game on!”
Bruce Gradowski / #5 / Quarterback
We’re probably not going to see much of him on the field while Roethlisberger is still in the game as QB, but we don’t care. Call us naughty, because our prison fantasy dreams are working wonders with Bruce almighty.
Michael Griffin / #33 / Safety
Oh, the things we could do with all that.
Laron Landry / #30 / Strong Safety
Stop. Just stop. It looks like a Scruff picture for chrissakes. The hottest Scruff picture ever. We can’t take it. We just can’t take it.
Russell Allen / #50 / Linebacker
He’s one of the big boys, and at 6’3”, 240lbs. we wouldn’t want to meet him in a dark alley. Wait…on second thought…
David Quessenberry / #77/ Tackle
We were so hoping this shot was taken at the Eagle L.A.—because it sure looks like it to us. Just sayin’.
Eric Decker / #87 Wide / Receiver
Let’s be frank: Peyton Manning is very talented and he may be as rich as the day is long, but he’s been beaten by the ugly stick. So we’re all about Decker. Yeah, you’re onboard. We know it. (Google Eric Decker shirtless if you don’t believe us. We’ll wait. See? You’re welcome.)
Kansas City Chiefs
Eric Fisher / #1 / Tackle
We’re just gonna come right out and say it: With Aaron Hernandez (New England Patriots) heading to the clink, this is his cheaper, look-a-like, tatt-free substitute. And we’re not too broken up about it.
Kaluka Maiava / #54 / Linebacker
There isn’t much going on for the poor Raiders these days (or for the last decade…but we digress), but thank heavens Raider nation fans have Kaluka to make goo-goo eyes for.
San Diego Chargers
Charlie Whitehurst / #6 / Quarterback
Sure, he reminds us of True Blood’s Alcide, so we were smitten at first bite…err, sight. If we’re watching football we do we have to be able to let our minds wander, right?