Pope Thinks Heterosexuality Is a Rainforest

We’re a big fan of the pontiff’s literary bent. Back when he was just Cardinal Radzinger, all he really wanted to do was retire and write a buch of books that would make him the John Updike of Germany, but God wanted him to put his prodigious writing talents in the service of His Holy Name.

So now, slumming it in his back-up career as Pope, Benedict loves to do nothing more than work in literary devices and allusions. While we’re still waiting for an onomatopoetic tract on the nature of the Ascension, Benedict’s latest opus, which he workshopped in his holiday address over the weekend, says the rainforest and heterosexuality are two sides of the same endangered coin.

From the AP:

“Pope Benedict said on Monday that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour was just as important as saving the rainforest from destruction. “(The Church) should also protect man from the destruction of himself. A sort of ecology of man is needed,” the pontiff said in a holiday address to the Curia, the Vatican’s central administration. “The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less…The pope said humanity needed to “listen to the language of creation” to understand the intended roles of man and woman. He compared behaviour beyond traditional heterosexual relations as “a destruction of God’s work.”

Blah, blah, blah, since when has heterosexuality been “endangered”?, whatever. You know the “Christians say the darndest things” routine already. However, what’s absolutely amazing about this is how tortured a metaphor “heterosexuality is a rain forest” really is. Does that make gays and lesbian clearcutting farmers and developers? Is the West Usambara Two-Horned Chameleon a metaphor for foreplay? We want to know more about Benedict’s kinky rainforest fetish. Where do we sign up for the papal lit crit course? I already have the title of my first paper in mind: “The Vatican, Vice, Virtue and Totally Fucking Cluelesness: What Happens When You’ve Never Had Sex in Your Life.”

Catchy, right?