The history of the Bible is a long, strange road; It begins with the codification of oral Jewish traditions by rabbis and continues through the millenia to early Christian theologians who mimic the cycles of the Old Testament in their creation a new chapter–and then on to Paul in Rome, who wiped away the gnostic gospels and locked in one true canon never foreseeing that one day the sacred text would be translated into English, turned into a manga strip, or now, thanks to an American film producer, turned totally screamingly queer.
The Princess Diana Bible is the oh-so-subtle pet project of Max Mitchell, who heads New Mexico-based Revision studios. Mitchell is something of a modern day Ed Wood and he’s best known as the creator of Horror In The Wind, a comedy about what happens when a scientific formula makes the whole world turn gay. One of the things that happens in the movie is that the regular Bible gets replaced with a ‘Princess Diana Bible.” Mitchell liked the idea so much, he decided to do it himself.
A preview of Genesis is already online and features Eve and Aida instead of Adam and Eve:
“And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Aida, and she slept: and he took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from woman, made he another woman, and brought her unto the first. And Aida said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of me. Therefore shall a woman leave her mother, and shall cleave unto her wife: and they shall be one flesh.’ And they were both naked, the woman and her wife, and were not ashamed.”
Once he’s done creating the Bible (which he claims is the result of divine intervention), Mitchell plans on directing it as a mini-series, because who wouldn’t want to see The Ten Commandments with a little more Moses-on-Ramses action? You can check out the Bible here.
Somehow, this actually has managed to upset some real honest-to-goodness Christians, who can totally accept it when messengers come saying, “Pretend to eat me every Sunday”, but are completely against anyone trying to work, “Let lesbians be lesbians” into their holy scripture. Douglas Howe over at BeliefNet says that it’s “inspired by a political agenda and one person’s desire to contort not only the text but the very context of it to suit his own perspective” and many many angry commenters on the site agree.
Wait til they find out that The Princess Diana Bible isn’t even the first queeny-King of Kings Bible out there. Last year, some other gays wrote The Gay Bible, which includes another testament (just like the Book of Mormon!) of Jesus Christ called “God’s New Law”, that said many heretical things about letting gay people love each other and not mindlessly following scripture like a lemming.
For our part, we think sitting down and “turning the Bible gay” is a pretty stupid use of your time, but since God’s telling Mitchell to do it, he better keep at it, since you should always do what God says. Unless of course God comes along and says something different, which He is wont to do from time to time. No wonder this whole religion thing starts so many wars.
greybat
I would have liked a link to “Horror in the Wind”.
I think I’ll check out IMDB.
Dan
I agree it’s a pretty stupid way to spend your time. And that picture of Jesus with the leather crowd is going to do so much to help in the fight for equality. I could care less about the Bible – but this guy is an idiot. I’m all militant these days about fighting the stupid Christians who are putting us down – and this crap sets everyone back. But hey – it’s a free country and that means I have to put up with you and you have to put up with me. 🙂
adzomelk
as someone who periodically teaches hebrew scriptures at the college level ive got to say this is completely fantastic outrageous & wonderful i hope mitchell is able to complete his project you know the bible wasnt just handed down out of the clouds to moses et al it was made up all along the way by people probably just as freakish as mitchell even more so if you can imagine same goes for the so called new testament & that fabulous book of mormon if this new “translation” is ever accomplished were going to have a religious awakening on our hands & its going to be divine i cant wait
getreal
Insulting christians makes it harder for us to fight for your rights. This kind of stuff is changing the minds of people who voted No on Prop 8.
chuck
Insulting Christians???
And what they are saying to us is not insulting?
Get a grip, Gretta!
kevin
so someone is mocking a ridiculous book? Big whoop. No one believes in the bible anymore. Not even republicans.
tallskin
Not sure I understand quite why gays should be polite or respectful of those who worship sky pixies, cos even if we are, it isn’t reciprocated.
The religiously afflicted will always feign offence at mockery yet in their very next breath will heap abuse on us simply for being gay.
Thing is we can crawl on our bellies, pleading for them to like us, respect us, love us, but it will have no effect. They will still hate and abuse us no matter what we do, no matter how polite or “respectful” we are to them.
No, it’s far more effective to abuse and mock them for their insane beliefs in an invisible friend, not simply because of their stand on gay issues but also because they are fucking insane.
The gay issue is but one part of their evil effect on society and respecting them simply makes them think that their beliefs are ok and equal to humanism/atheism/science . Well, from a whole range of issues, from stem cell research ,to abortion to evolution/science etc they have to be contested and contested hard at every possible opportunity.
To recap: Respect given to the religious means they think their absurd ideology is equal to the rational and scientific. It isn’t and they should be told it isn’t.
benwa
if you “check out the bible here” link you have links to the trailer for the movie there.
tallskin
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article5268745.ece
Vatican opposes de-criminalising same sex unions
New UN declaration puts pressure on states that do not recognise same sex marriages, according to the Vatican
Richard Owen in Rome
The Vatican has said it opposes a European Union proposal for a United Nations declaration formally condemning discrimination against homosexuals, which it claims would “de-criminalise” same sex unions.
Monsignor Celestino Migliore, the Holy See’s permanent observer at the UN, said the Catechism of the Roman Catholic Church forbade “unjust discrimination” against homosexuals. However outlawing discrimination by means of a UN declaration meant that states which did not recognise same sex marriages would come under pressure to do so.
All countries of the European Union have signed a draft declaration drawn up by France, which currently holds the rotating EU Presidency, condemning “discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity”. France is due to submit the draft declaration at the UN General Assembly on 10 December, the sixtieth anniversary of the UN declaration of human rights.
Over 80 countries in the world currently outlaw same-sex relations, with punishments range from short prison sentences to life imprisonment and even death by execution. The UN declaration will not be binding, but gay rights movements hope it will lead to a UN resolution. The French minister of human rights and foreign affairs, Rama Yade, said that the EU should also “take the lead in stopping violence against women worldwide.”
The Vatican fiercely opposes same sex unions, and has also taken steps to root out active homosexuals from the clergy in the wake of sexual abuse scandals. In October it went further and issued a statement declaring that even chaste gay men should be barred from the priesthood.
The document, “Guidelines for the Use of Psychology in the Admission and Formation of Candidates for the Priesthood,” released by the Vatican’s Congregation for Catholic Education, reiterated that men with “deep-seated” homosexual tendencies were unworthy of ordination, and urged seminaries to enlist the aid of psychologists in screening candidates for homosexuality and other “psychic disturbances.”
The Catholic Church has been plagued by clergy sexual-abuse scandals since 2002, when allegations of abuse surfaced in Boston and later spread to dioceses. The scandal, in which thousands of victims have alleged they were molested or raped by priests, has cost the church in the US alone more than two billion dollars in legal settlements.
The Catholic Church teaches that while homosexual acts are sinful, homosexual “orientation” is not. However Cardinal Zenon Grocholewski, head of the Congregation for Catholic Education, said homosexuality was a “deviation,” “irregularity” and “wound” that conflicts with the “spiritual paternity” essential to the priesthood.
A 2005 Vatican document said men with “deep-seated” homosexual tendencies should not be ordained. However those with a “transitory problem” could become priests if they could show they had overcome them for a period of at least three years.
RichardR
Satire is an effective weapon when one wants to change minds and hearts. And it’s a little mean of me, but personally, I believe that anything that upsets the religious right is a good thing.
That said, Tallskin, we shouldn’t paint “religion” and “the religious” with an overly-broad brush. Episcopalians are a good example — while some are leaving the mainstream denomination because of their illogical bible-based beliefs, many are in favor of pretty much all of our “agenda.”
Questionable as is any religion, it’s the jihadists (of every faith) who are our true enemy.
Shark
@tallskin: What about gays who are still part of a religion? Is it perfectly fine to offend them as well?
tallskin
Shark, yes of course it is. I am constantly arguing with my gay friends, mostly buddhist, who hold odd beliefs in the supernatural.
They are like turkey’s voting for an early christmas.
GranDiva
My favorite parody Bible so far is R.F. Laird’s The Boomer Bible. It’s truly wicked.
Writing a parody bible has to be hella hard work though, particularly if you’re going to do cross-referenced commentary. It may be decades…
chuck
@tallskin:
I could not agree with you more. Kissing the ass of people who would just as soon see you dead, makes absolutely no sense at all and is a total waste of time, as you so well pointed out.
What I would like to know is, how come so many gays, who have been the victims of Christian persecution for some 2,000 years, try so hard to be accepted by the very church that vilifies and condemns them?
How fucking long will it take them to get the message that the Church does not like them and this will never change?
Harold
This article has been featured as Best Opinion at THEWEEK.com – Great post!
technicolornina
You forgot the LOLcat Bible, which deserves a mention just because its translation of Leviticus 18:22 is so damned funny. (Actually, the whole LOLcat Bible is worth reading.)
I’m not sure what I think of this. Silly Bible translations are all well and good, but this is taking it a bit too far, really.
RCDC
some people here seem to have forgotten that there’s a huge difference between kissing ass and respect. respect is what makes “us” better than “them”. it just makes you look childish and sophomoric when you write off 90+% of the world as people you want nothing to do with because they’re morons. most of them aren’t. there are many intelligent scientists out there who are able to believe in evolution and a higher power AT THE SAME TIME. shocking, i know. just because they think different doesn’t mean they’re stupid, and being gay does not automatically shut off the desire to belong to something bigger than oneself – it has more to do, i think, with God than the Church.
also, seriously, do you not remember what happens when you bully a bully back? they beat the crap out of you. tricking them works much better.
this is tasteless. want something moving, read or see Terrence McNally’s “Corpus Christi”. now THAT’S a gay jeebus i can believe in.
Facepalmer
I agree with RCDC. While I am neither gay nor religious, I have quite a few friends who are both. If one is intending satire they make it completely ridiculous and over dramatized, this is why the members of Monty Python weren’t lynched when “Life of Brian” came out. The tone of this movie is a great way to get yourself lynched by a bunch of inbred, redneck, cretins who take the bible seriously, not only that but this guys is going to harm your efforts to get equal rights. When ignorant people are afraid of something and it harms them in any way, they react with violence. To be perfectly frank, I can’t see any difference between gay and straight people, they can all be ignorant, stupid and callous but they all also have the capacity to be so much more. This director is working his way toward a hate crime, and while its a shame that humans are vicious animals, he’s not going to stop them by crapping the one thing these idiots hold sacred.
Shark
@tallskin: Is it also justified then to insult straight religious people who support gay marriage?
DCDavis769
The title of this post is extremely offensive both to me as a gay Christian and Christians in general. I don’t make a fuss when you, Japhy, or others make fun of Christians or belittle the Church, because I have been oppressed by Christians as well. But to declare as “fact” that the Bible is made up in the title of a Queerty post is offensive and a bit annoying. It wouldn’t have been misleading, disagreeable, or any less interesting of you to have labeled this “Bible gets Gay Makeover.”
— Daniel C. Davis