Jeff Leavell learned his was HIV-positive in 2013. In an incredibly powerful new essay published by Unicorn Booty, he writes about coming to terms with his diagnosis and overcoming the stigma he carried for years.
“It was one of those moments in life when everything slowed down, when the world felt slightly out of focus,” he recalls of the day he got the test results. “I can remember sitting there [and] thinking, How is that possible?”
He immediately took action. He found a great doctor and went on a treatment plan. Within just a few months, his viral load became undetectable. He also told his friends and family, who he says were nothing but supportive.
“I would be able to live a healthy and normal life,” he writes. “HIV stigma did not have to define who I was.”
Or so he thought.
Related: PrEP stigma is stil alive and well–what now?
Feeling OK about things, Leavell decided to jump back in the dating ring. But when he updated his HIV status on his profile, he was flooded with hostile messages from complete strangers:
“Don’t you think you have a moral obligation to not be on these apps?” “You are trying to infect the rest of us. Bitter f*cking bitches like you should be shot.” “Seems too risky, man. Like, what if your spit gets in me?”
Others wanted to fetishize his HIV:
“Hey, daddy, can I get that toxic load?” “I want that poz load.”
Sadly, this sort of treatment is not uncommon. A recent PSA produced by HIV Foundation Queensland in partnership with Queensland Positive People highlighted the horrible things people have said to HIV-positive guys on Grindr and they’re pretty awful:
Through it all, Leavell says he tried not to let people’s ignorance and downright meanness get the best of him, but it was a challenge. He writes:
I want to be respectful: We all have the right to choose who we fuck. Even if it means not choosing me because of my HIV status. I try to remember that mostly this isn’t even about me. But it’s still hard not to think there’s something inherently wrong with who I am.
He started developing other worries, as well. When he finally met a guy, he wondered, “Will he decide he doesn’t want to be with someone like me, someone who is HIV-positive? Will we always have to wear condoms? Will he begin to resent me?”
Related: So the guy you like just told you he’s HIV-positive — Now what?
“I found myself fighting these fears in my head,” Leavell writes, “having to remind myself that no matter what was going to happen, I would be OK.”
In January, he met an HIV-negative guy named Noah. Not only was Noah cute and smart and respectful, he wasn’t concerned about Leavell’s poz status.
That’s when Leavell realized the HIV stigma he had internalized over the years was, in his words, “bullshit.”
“Noah hasn’t left me. He hasn’t pushed me away or told me I disgust him. Instead he holds me, and he kisses me … Noah finds ways to remind me that I am special, and that he wants to be with me. We both find ways to remind the other that we are important.”
Related: If you meet Mr. Right and he turns out to be HIV-positive, he’s still Mr. Right
Leavell says he’s totally done “internalizing other people’s shame and HIV stigma” and “worrying what other people think of me.”
“It’s not my job to defend myself to assholes who don’t care about science or truth,” he says. “But I do think it is my job to keep saying it, over and over again, as loud as possible: I am an HIV-positive man. And I am healthy. And I am happy. My life is good.”
He continues: “I do not have to be defined by this. I do not have to allow it to be something ugly in my life. And I do not have to feel ashamed.”
ChrisK
I got news for him. Lots of people on Grindr are shitty to each other and it doesn’t matter what your status is. Many are looking to hurt others and any excuse will do.
Rex Huskey
hardly news Miss ChrisyK.
ChrisK
Yep and you’re example #1. Queerty also has it’s share of hateful trolls.
Frank
Hook up apps are where many gay men go to be mean to one another…
It’s ALL the rage “hiding” behind the internet and/or social media…
I can be someone different and say what I want…
Rex Huskey
Miss ChrissyK: talking about hateful…. just read your vitriolic vomit you’ve posted here today. You and DCGurl and FarmGurl and others of your ilk are just narrow-minded radical trash.
ChrisK
Hey Missy Rexy. Why don’t you go back to accusing me of bad grammar while using bad grammar yourself. Oh that’s right. You were rightfully called on it last time by many others. I’m sure it was embarrassing. Thus your new name.
Rex Huskey
Miss ChrissyK: …huh?
Mykey
Yeah, you’ll find all types of shitty, racist, narcicistic 20-something year olds there! Besides, someone who tells you they’re hiv-positive and taking their meds is much better than a neg person who is not sure of his status (stis and the like)!
Rex Huskey
Did he “jump back in the dating ring” or back into the hook-up ring. I’m just asking for, I believe, to many of us there is a distinction there with a very big difference.
Re this quote: “I do not have to be defined by this. I do not have to allow it to be something ugly in my life. And I do not have to feel ashamed.” Sorry, not sure I can agree with all that. Certainly you should not feel or be ashamed; however, becoming aware you are HIV positive is definitely a defining moment! Working to stay HIV negative certainly defines a queer. Working to stay healthy as a HIV positive queer is also defining. Whether you are HIV negative or positive is an important fact in a queer’s life.
I do wish the man a very happy and healthy life filled with lots of peace and loving kindness.
Donston
You don’t have to feel shame. It’s just annoys me how so many of these men live extremely promiscuous, condom-free lives, get HIV and then want to play a victim of society and of other people’s paranoia. Yet, you’re still scoping for dick on apps? And yes, I’m aware that that’s not a representation of all + men.
If you’re actually looking for a partner as an HIV+ person it’s not easy, but it’s also not incredibly hard. However, most men who are looking for random hook-ups do want to take the risk of contradicting HIV. That’s just reality, and it’s a perfectly understandable. Also, most people on those apps are assholes regardless of status, race, body-type, etc. So, how about moving along from them?
ChrisK
You do realize how bigoted and loaded that statement is right? Just replace it with black, jewish, etc.
We don’t know how he got it and he doesn ‘t come off as a victim. So what if he’s still sexually active and not monogamous? He sounds very grounded and responsible.
He wasn’t complaining about guys rejecting him. Just the preachy judgmental a-holes.
ChrisK
You could’ve made a generalized statement but saying “these men” is very specific and then saying it’s “not all + men” rings hollow. Akin to saying it annoys me how many Jews are greedy and following it up with I didn’t mean all. Just most.
Heywood Jablowme
@ChrisK: If he became poz as late as 2013, it was because someone f*cked him without a condom, or maybe had a condom on at first but then took it off later after he got relaxed and he didn’t notice. That’s how it happens. That’s it. Don’t be naïve. You’re not usually naïve, ChrisK!
ChrisK
All I was saying was that he sounds responsible today. Not everyone who acquires HIV is a bareback slut. We don’t know how he acquired it. Maybe it was a one time lapse in judgement that we all make or some other way like through a condom break or lying BF.
Donston
If he got HIV any other way it would be part of his story.
Yes, I’m aware of how “loaded” it can sound to some people. And I accept that. However, I wouldn’t have felt the need to say it if he wasn’t still traipsing apps for hook-ups and asking for pity because guys won’t hook up with him.
Paco
@Donston – I think you missed the point of his comments. He was addressing the abuse he has received from others about being upfront about his status.
I’ll never understand how honesty and science is bad, and ignorance and the word of complete strangers that their raw loads are “clean” is good.
Let’s be honest. All those abusive comments are coming from men that are scared that their pool of bareback sex partners is being contaminated. Problem is, the honest poz guys that know their status and are undetectable aren’t the ones contaminating that pool.
surreal33
I agree with Donston. It boggles the mind how men with HIV are surprised that men who HIV negative don’t want to deal with HIV. While I don’t agree that men who are honest about being HIV positive should be belittled. In contrast, they should not be trolling for dick on apps. Also, if are using “dating apps” you should assume every man online is HIV POSITIVE and act accordingly!!! We come to point where people try to minimize HIV as manageable not something to worry about. The fact is HIV is a deadly, NON-CURABLE, disease for life.
Chris
I respect how he did things. He owned his status and got treatment. He disclosed it when necessary. And he never gave up. I am happy that he’s met someone. And props to both of them for not allowing their HIV-discordance to interfere with their love for each other. He has every right to tell the haters where to get off.
Paco
“It’s just annoys me how so many of these men live extremely promiscuous, condom-free lives, get HIV and then want to play a victim of society and of other people’s paranoia. Yet, you’re still scoping for dick on apps? ”
What’s annoying is the abuse and judgments the honest and upfront poz men on the apps receive is usually coming from men engaged in the exact same unsafe behaviors that leads to becoming poz.
Heywood Jablowme
Noah sounds great!
But this article makes a total mish-mash of hookup apps and dating sites. And calls them all “dating.” And yeah, I clicked on the link. Nowhere does he specify any sites/apps.
And yeah, if you became poz as late as 2013, it was because someone f*cked you and took the condom off without your noticing. That’s the only way it happens.
But… “Will we always have to wear condoms?” OMG who gives a sh*t, I can hardly believe anyone wrote that. I’ve never done anal sex without a condom and I never will. WTF is the fascination with barebacking, it’s icky. But yeah yeah yeah, PrEP is good for that situation if you absolutely must, AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, don’t be so weepy about it. Or should I say, do not be so weepy about it. (I notice he does. not. use. contractions so that he will be more impressive!)
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Some degree (within reason) of shame and stigma is an essential component of maintaining a HEALTHY population in a free society. Some women complain they too shouldn’t be shamed or stigmatised for smoking and binge drinking while pregnant . It’s about striking the balance. I fear where HIV is concerned it’s swung too far in the other direction.
ChrisK
Yeah, I too fear gay men will stop being mean to one another or assholes said no one ever.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
It’s bad thing to get HIV. Are we still allowed to say that?
Donston
It really does seem like we’re at a point that no matter what someone says, does or gets we’re supposed to applaud them and tell them to “be proud”. Honesty, self-respect and personal responsibility to be damned.
Should he feel shame and feel like an outcast and be make fun of? Of course not. But getting HIV should not just be something that comes with the “gay territory”. And if someone doesn’t want to be with you or merely hook up because you’re poz that is not an indictment on them.
ChrisK
Jesus Christ you’re thick in the head. Go back and read his story but this time put your glasses on. No where is he looking for your or anyone else’s approval. Nor does he complain about guys not wanting to hook up with him. That only fits your soap box narrative.
Donston
I actually read the article not just quotes here. I’m aware of what he says. And I comprehend where he’s coming from, and I feel for him. However, he says people made fun of him on “dating” apps. So, yeah, he’s looking for some sympathy. And I’m just completely over people bytching about what people say to them through those things. And at a certain point he was still using those apps to hook up with guys while being HIV poz. He’s also just generally showing a lot of naivety. He’s too grown to act like he doesn’t know how people act.
I’m not trying to rain on the dude. No one should have to live their lives in shame. But why has the conversation moved away from trying to stall the spread instead of “HIV, eh”? That’s where my frustration comes from. I do appreciate him being upfront about his status. He met his dude. And I’m happy for him. But where’s the story? That some guys were sh*tty to him on Grindr?
Danny595
Nah, ya can’t say that coz it will make him lose his boner and that will hinder his performance with his next hookup partner.
AlexM123
Why do HIV+ people insist on dating/screwing negative guys? Why didn’t he look for a positive guy? Surely this would have solved all of his “stigma” problems? I’m so tired of HIV+ guys playing the victims. You should have thought of that before you barebacked around town. We have a right to stay negative and it isn’t our fault that you messed up. I’ve got news for you: The stigma is NEVER going to go away because HIV is not a good thing. And if you need to screw/ date that badly, GO AFTER ANOTHER POSITIVE GUY! Stop trying to force yourself on the negative guys and then trying to guilt us for not wanting you!
ChrisK
You rexy and Don need to learn how to read. No where did he complain about anyone not wanting him or wanting to force anyone into anything. Being attacked for something he can’t change was him point. If you want to be evil to others expect blow back.
That or get your meds changed because you really sound unhinged.
Heywood Jablowme
“Why do HIV+ people insist on dating/screwing negative guys?” The ones who “insist” on doing that are not the honest ones, they’re the ones who pretend to be negative. This guy wasn’t “insisting” on dating/screwing negative guys. He was upfront about his status. Anyone was free to ignore his honest profile.
“Why didn’t he look for a positive guy?” Here I sorta/kinda see your point (or rather, I would agree if you hadn’t missed the main point!). There are poz-specific sites, and it’s not like poz guys are a tiny minority. Lots of poz guys find it easier and less stressful to hang out with other poz guys (and no it’s not just so they can bareback etc.). Not everyone wants to play Professor of Microbiology all the time.
Still, he ended up SETTLING DOWN with an HIV-negative guy. Did you miss that part?
AlexM123
@ChrisK I Can read just fine. “Will he reject me for my status” means he tried to date negative guys. “will we always have to wear condoms” tells you straight up how he got HIV.
dinard38
Well, how judgmental of you. Your comment comes off a bit ignorant. As it’s been stated in other’s comments….you don’t know their backstory. Not all who contract HIV is a bareback slut.
And not all HIV+ men are specifically chasing after negative men. Trying to force themselves on negative guys??? Seriously? You make it seem as if they’re HIV predators, coming to infect you. The irony is that there is a strong possibility that negative men who hookup through these apps have hooked up with a positive person. Believe me, there are many many dudes out there who know they are poz, but don’t state that on their profiles. So at least the men who are truthful about their HIV status are being responsible. They put it out there, giving potential hookups the opportunity to decide if they want to hookup or not. And contrary to what you may believe, there are many negative men out there that don’t mind hooking up with an HIV+ person because they are educated about the disease and know how to protect themselves.
surreal33
Amen, speak truth to power!!!
midknightryder13
Actually, we don’t insist on that. Well, I don’t. Quite the opposite. I’ve had “bug chasers” come after me. After telling them that I think the idea is insane, I say ‘No”.
Rex Huskey
Hey folks, Miss ChrissyK must not have gotten laid last night…..can’t you tell? Evil evil evil!
PinkoOfTheGange
Was this comment really necessary?
Rex Huskey
to pinko: Probably not. I just get so enraged by those amen chorus boys. Apologies.
Roan
I wish we had PrEP for comments and the trolls on Queerty.
PinkoOfTheGange
I wish we had an up-vote button so I didn’t have actually type something.
jhon_siders
I met my partner in 03 and I was topping him bare back for about 3 years on a medical issue he had blood work and found he was POZ Well after 10 years of every 6 months testing IM still clean as my doctor says I was the active one that was in my favor it changed nothing in our relationship other than we do safe sex now he is undetectable and healthy .
Rex Huskey
ok….
Kangol
Your comments point to one of the keys to all of this: you were raw f*cking but did either of you get tested regular before his “medical issue”?
If both people engaging in raw sex are negative, practicing otherwise safe sex, and get tested regularly and are truthful about their negative, they are not going to seroconvert. (Of course using PrEP with condoms is basically HIV-proof.) The issue comes when one or both believe they’re negative, have raw sex, but one actually has HIV.
HIV testing (like STI/STD testing) is not the hardest thing in the world. Why don’t and won’t more people learn their status to help protect themselves?
Danny595
1. How does an intelligent adult get HIV in 2013? All you have to do in order not get it is avoid one particular activity with people who are infected or whose status you don’t know.
2. Why does this person not think that he should be ashamed of getting infected with an easily avoidable pathogen and thereafter imposing costs and burdens on the healthcare system? He should be ashamed of himself. Not defined by his poor conduct, but ashamed of it.
3. Why does this person rush to hookup apps when he decides that he wants to date people? How do you get to be so broken inside that the only way you can express yourself sexually is with complete strangers from a hookup app?
Conclusion: Another promiscuity success story!
Heywood Jablowme
Do you own a parrot? “Another promiscuity success story! SQWAK. Another promiscuity success story! BWAK.”
Well, actually it IS a success story because at the end he happily settled down with someone. That is what you want everyone to do, right? (Or claim to, or pretend to.) Or did you miss that part? Did you quit reading halfway through?
Kangol
You do realize you are illustrating the very point Dusty Cunningham and this article are making, right?
Conclusion: Another irony success story!
Me2
Gotta love the holiier than thou attitudes among some gay men who see HIV as some sort of well deserved punishment for the promiscuous.
kevin57
Lots of “easily avoidable” stuff happens that imposes “costs and burdens on the healthcare system.” There’s the seventeen-year-old who drives 90 mph on a highway, gets in an accident, and is a paraplegic for the rest of his life. There’s the sweet-tooth gal who gets diabetes and whose medical costs over a lifetime increase dramatically. Then, there are those unnecessary wars who send back tens of thousands of young men and women who have lifelong physical and psychological illnesses that cost billions of dollars to the nation. Oh, yes, they were sent there, but they volunteered. Should all these people also be ashamed?
Danny595
kevin57 – Should a teenager feel ashamed of driving 90 mph on a highway and causing a crash? Yes. Should someone who overeats and ignores the warning signs and medical advice and gets diabetes feel ashamed? Yes. Should a leader feel ashamed of starting an unnecessary war? Yes. And should a grown intelligent adult man feel ashamed for acquiring HIV in 2013? Yes.
Shame is what keeps the world working and prevents one-time mistakes from becoming lifetime error, what prevents the mistake of one from becoming the mistake of thousands. We shouldn’t minimize or belittle horrendously poor decisions because the person who made the horrendously poor decision wants to feel happy and absolved of responsibility. Thanks for asking. Let me know if there are any other blindingly obvious things you don’t understand.