Queerty Query: Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers is still the hardest working and funniest comedian in the biz today. And the gays love her. She is performing Wednesdays at the Cutting Room to a very gay crowd from November 9-December 21. Recently the grand dame of comedy chatted with Bradford Shellhammer, dishing on Star Jones, Liz Taylor, and the Olsen Twins.

We just saw the last Nip/Tuck and screamed like sissies when we saw you as a guest. How did you get involved in the show and what do you think of it?
Plastic surgery is my life. I just gave my parrot a beak job. Please write and e-mail Nip/Tuck and tell them you want to see more of me.

You are a huge gay icon. I think mostly because of your direct nature and honesty. Did you intentionally seek out support of the gay community? If not, why do you think we love you so much?
I don’t know why gays love me because I hate them. Who are you people and do your mothers know what you do!?! I am all for gay marriage, though. Why should only straights suffer the misery of divorce.

Recently, we saw an old Saturday Night Live that you hosted in the 1980s. You were sooooo mean to Liz Taylor. And soooo funny. Do you have any current Liz jokes you can share?
Since she started working so hard for AIDS with amfAR I’ve taken all of the jokes about that fat, old drunk out of my act. Besides, since she is almost at death’s door, I’m hoping to be mentioned in that liquor stained will.

Who would win in a fist fight, Kathy Griffin or Margaret Cho?
I’m much more interested in which Williams sister would win.

Tell us about your Cutting Room shows. What can our readers expect to see?
If I show up to perform at the Cutting Room, you’ll probably get a pretty mediocre show as I am getting quite old and tend to repeat jokes 2 or 3 times. If you do come, bring rubber gloves as Chlamydia is rampant. Also be warned that most employees at the Cutting Room are dyslexics and wash their hands before entering the restroom.

After the jump Joan explains how a gay man can get away with wearing a necklace, the absolute worst red carpet outfit, and why she hates blogs, oops, we mean clogs.

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I have a confession. When I am running on the treadmill I often watch you on QVC selling women’s jewelry. I am a gay man. Is there something wrong with that?
No, as long as you pause that treadmill and whip out your credit card and cell phone. A necklace worn under a shirt and tie can be discreet and still make you feel good about yourself.

Why don’t the gays like Star Jones?
Ask her husband.

What is the worst red carpet outfit you have ever seen?
Bjork…no contest.

What is your advice to up and coming comedians and actors trying to make it Hollywood?
I hope they die. I’m not ready to step aside, so go home to your brothels.

Do you read blogs? If you don’t, you should read ours.
I have nothing to do with clogs. I find wooden footwear to be unsightly and uncomfortable.

Will we ever see a reality show based on your life?
Perfection is boring to those who are not living it. Envy is counterproductive. I’m now going to ask my private secretary to turn off the computer and have my butler store it in the Louis XIV armoire and will then have my footmen carry me downstairs to watch the afternoon beheading (rumor has it that it will be the Olsen Twins). What a way to say hello to twilight!