Elves, those pointy-eared magical woodland creatures so often associated with Christmas, usually come across a little light in the pixie boots. We’re not saying that all elves are queer, we’re just saying—well, actually yes, that’s exactly what we’re saying. (What, you never saw The Santaland Diaries?)
Now that Santa’s clan of wee merry men is finally taking a much deserved break from building toys and shoveling reindeer poop, here’s a loving look at some of the planet’s best-known and poofiest elves.
No, not Will Ferrell.
Image via Portland Center Stage
Hermey
Rudolph’s perky pal wouldn’t shut up about his yen to be a dentist in the 1964 Rankin/Bass stop-motion classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. But we all know he really just wanted to get drilled.
Image via Rankin/Bass
Snap, Crackle & Pop
Oh, snap! Unquestionably gay in the traditional sense of the word, the toasted-rice-mascot trio was borne out of a waaaay fey radio ad from the 1930s: “Listen to the fairy song of health, the merry chorus sung by Kellogg’s Rice Krispies as they merrily snap, crackle and pop in a bowl of milk.” That’s two Marys merrys and a fairy in a single sentence.
Even more suspiciously, in Denmark the characters are called Pif, Paf and—wait for it—Puf.
Image via Kellogg’s
The Keebler Elves
If “Ernie”—the fey bear elf who leads this motley crew of Martha Stewart wannabees—isn’t a sissy, we’ll eat our hat. Or at least a sleeve or two of E.L. Fudge.
Source: Keebler
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Spock
Okay, so Spock is a Vulcan, not an elf. But he’s got those pointy ears and magical powers. And with Zachary Quinto reprising his role as the alien Starfleet officer in the upcoming Star Trek sequel, it seems logical to us, Captain.
Image via Paramount Pictures
The 7 Gay Elves
Chelsea Boys co-creator Glen Hanson’s depiction of a team of gay elves—complete with ringleader Santa Bear—includes pint-sized pixies like Queeny, Bitchy, Butchy and Horny. (But not, however, Sleazy and Jock.)
Image via Glen Hanson
Zevran from Dragon Age: Origins
The wildly popular 2009 RPG Dragon Age: Origins featured a not-so-hidden gay-sex scene between blond warrior elf Zevran and a nameless bearded hunk. (Classic pick-up line: “Is there something in your tent that needs… assassinating?”)
Source: Bioware
Virgin Mobile’s Gay Elf
Back in 2005, Virgin Mobile ran a Chrismahanukwanzakah ad campaign featuring this spot-on but rather scary telethon phone operator. For an even more delightfully disturbing gay holiday treat, check out this extended version, the brainchild of Gay Elf depicter Guy Perry.
Image via Virgin Mobile
Legolas from Lord of the Rings
Forget the Sam/Frodo bromance—despite their diminutiveness, they’re not even elves. The real fey hottie is Legolas, he of the luscious long blond hair, fit swimmer’s body and piercing blue eyes. We’re not even going to get into all the Legolas/Elrond slashfic that’s out there.
Image via New Line Cinema
Mike UK
if you think the elves are gay, you should see British pantomime, girls play boys and vice versa! the principle boy is a girl who always gets the girl!!!, the panto dame is a man and if the panto is Cinderella the ugly sisters are always played by men!
Trelin
You missed the gay elf in “Olive the other reindeer”
“You always get the crazies on Christmas Eve…never fails…” check it out if you get the chance
Rubi-kun
Does Tingle from the Legend of Zelda games count as an elf?
nerdjizz
@Rubi-kun: Tingle doesn’t count for this particular list, but Link certainly should. You just know he wants to save Zelda so they could be besties and not because of some unrequited love he harbors for her. Total ‘mo. (And don’t get me started on her cross-dressing proclivities.)